Although it’s popular to say “What they don’t know won’t hurt them” as a reason for keeping secrets, the reality is that this doesn’t work. You may tell yourself that your affair was a ‘victimless crime’ or it was ‘just messing around’.
The problem is that secrets destroy trust in the marriage. You may make the excuse that your spouse doesn’t need to know ‘everything’, which is true, they don’t need to know the big things that you are keeping from them.
Although you may not have told anyone, your spouse likely senses that something is ‘not quite right’. They know that something is there, even though they can not put their finger on it or label it.
They will sense the uneasiness, there will be a lack of ‘one-ness’ in your marriage. Sure, the two of you may live together, yet they sense that the two of you lead separate lives rather than work as a team.
Secrets work at the foundations of the marriage, eating away at it. Given enough time, the secrets weaken and destroy the foundation. Rather than assume that the secret will not hurt things, talk about it with them.
If you can not talk to them, who will you talk with about it? The shame of the secret only intensifies the pain.
Secrets build walls. Those walls are used in creating separate lives.
Secrets are also habit-forming. One secret leads to another and another. What starts off as a one-time thing becomes a habit. When habits continue over long enough time, they become a lifestyle.
Do you really want a life filled with secrets? Although secrets add some excitement, they also impact you as well. You become increasingly unsure what to believe about yourself and your recall of events.
With secrets, you have to remember what you told to who. A few slips and your secrets are spilled out in front of you.
If you’ve built up too many secrets and want to make changes, but aren’t sure where to start, consider joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There you’ll have opportunities for sharing your side of the story and be honest about it.
Getting used to honesty also takes time. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. With support and access to recovery resources, you can start turning your life back around.
Best Regards,
Jeff
7 Responses
Amen….it is a PRACTICE of deceit that Jesus actually told us gets us a one-way ticket to the lake of fire….a little known truth in todays world of no strings salvation ….harumph!
Well put.
Sad today …it is the day my husband gives a check to the OW….actually he now gives it to the children when he picks them up and takes them to school
I still have not been introduced to them ,,he is waiting til THEY say it is OK ….I have mixed feelings here….since his OW is such a psycho I am not sure I want anything to do with any of them now …but he is insisting about continuing ‘caring ‘ for the children ….which is hurtful to our children who are now older and observe how much time and financing he invests in them that he did not when they were younger…..He never left work ONCE for the purpose of just being with them….and when home he came home so late and fell asleep in front of TV during story and bedtime….no doubt from his sexual activity…..I used to feel sorry for him being so tired from “work’ !.
Watching his intentional sacrifice of his time , energy and our finances is very hard for our children .
He feels ‘sorry’ but does not know what else to do
I told him long ago to leave those kids alone so they could bond with whomever their mother ended up with
Now he is building up expectations with them that he cannot fulfill …and teaching them marriage is nothing much to respect.
The days go on being so difficult around here.
Zaza,
It hurts to read your account in that it is so tragic. I am sure that living through it is even worse. When the priorities get messed up, the result is chaos. With messed up priorities, the cheater gets caught up in emotional, financial and spiritual bondage that they can not easily escape. They believe that they are doing the right thing, yet since their priorities are so twisted, they do not have a clear idea of right and wrong. It all becomes based on emotions and what triggers guilt, rather than righteousness and wickedness.
The checks are a constant reminder of the affair, which compounds the pain.
Thank you for your empathetic comments. It is weird since nothing changes what he is doing or it’s effects but somehow understanding comments help …since it is so ongoing and there is no one else except our daughters who know about this …it is a real challenge to just keep giving it to the Lord …but then life is more than what this world has to offer.
One woman on another site dealing with this feels she should ‘get a life’ but the one thing that makes this difficult for those who are believing the Word of GOD is that ONE flesh makes it so that ALL of what our spouse does effects our lives.
I think that is one reason why God provided for women in the way that His word records HIS provision for women …in that Father’s were to protect and provide for daughters UNTIL she married and then the husband was to take on the CHARGE of this care for her.
I think maybe one reason adultery was punishable by stoning was that God saw how allowing it to go unpunished caused it to effect others …like a plague
Remember how Eli’s sons who he put in the priesthood were leading the people away from true honor of the LORD and God told Eli to correct them and he did not …so in order to put an end to their ungodly influence upon the people …they DIED ..then Eli DIED and then one of the son;’s wife died giving birth
Adultery like Idolatry is very contaminating . As we see in our culture ..when people turn from following after truth of the Word of GOD the effects are bondage …and the free fall we now see in our culture is due to the turning from the truth of the Gospel …which was not just to be ‘grace’ but to adhere to the obedience to the laws of GOD ..the only law we are free to disobey is the ‘law of sin and death” and that happens by way of our learning the truth of the word and then obeying and living in it
When my husband turned away from hearing and walking in the word and with others who loved GOd and honored marriage I tried to remind him of the danger of it ..but his pride was being fed by those he began to work with ..his rise in his career was just as the Word talks about …a novice being promoted may be lifted up with pride
Even now that pride is clearly IN PLACE like cement. He is fully committed to doing things his own way …which is ‘in place’ of Christ as Lord and ones OWN way is not sufficient..neither is ones fleshly sorrow that continues to lead into more and more darkness.
It is so sad , He has had EVERYTHING ….way more equipping than most people in EVERY way …it is terrifying to think of him trying to give an accounting for having disregarded the wisdom of GOD at every turn
EACH time just before he made yet another step down into sinful choices he was warned ..several times
I find this interesting looking back over the years and being now able to chronicle these periods of warning and then now knowing what he went ahead and did
One cannot reject the Lord without damages…God always warns us before we are about to be deceived….but with rejection and willful sin comes more and more depth of darkness….As the scriptures say…’rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft’
Indeed …it is so sad to see him continue doing what he believes he ‘must’ while exampling disregard for godly protocol …what can he really think he can teach those kids about respect for marriage …or any godly thing for that matter….our daughters are actually somewhat trapped as they were raised to wait upon the Lord for a husband ..a godly one…and we do …meanwhile we are dependent upon my husband who is responsible to fulfill this even as he is unwilling to learn any of the other ways he is responsible to God for his marriage and family of that covenant .
So we all are still badly effected ,,,,he simply is unteachable.
I will continue to read here …and maybe comment on what I am learning …sorry to be so whiny …sometimes is seems such a terrible loss of what could have been such an honorable and powerful life for the glory of the LORD
I had hoped to witness a powerful redemption but so far …it has not been the case…a man still has a free will to choose and GOD will not force him to make that choice,
Sorrow unto repentance does just that …seeks to do any and everything needed to turn toward the LORD to seek and learn what to do to live rightly within ones responsibilities …first to GOD and then to ones spouse if married,.
Zaza,
Thank you for commenting. Adultery is not only like idolatry, it is a form of idolotry. When people grasp that idea, it will begin to open up new understanding of the seriousness of the problem and ways of dealing with it.
Amen Thank you for your comments too