Yesterday I began addressing the topic of enabling. Enabling, like many other habits and patterns can change.
If you had enabled the cheater, it’s changeable. You’re not doomed to continually repeating self-defeating habits. If you have enabled the cheater in some way, that doesn’t mean you’re stuck in it forever.
You may not have enabled them at all, but instead are led to believe so due to their gaslighting.
Enabling is a habit and habit patterns can be broken.
The cheater knows your vulnerabilities and may have resorted to blaming you for what they did. They’re hurting and wanting someone to put blame on.
They aren’t looking for personal responsibility, but they are trying to deflect the blame away from themselves.
I know I’ve said this is an infidelity blog, but if you enable something bad in another area of your life it’s possible to change it too.
The good news is that even their blaming is changeable.
In recovering from the affair, there are many habits in how the two of you talk, treat each other and solve problems that need changing. Without change, there’s a danger than things will go back to the way they were, only in a negative way.
In making changes, the hard part comes when flaws are pointed out. No one enjoys having their flaws pointed out.
I know that it’s hard to make the needed changes when you don’t know what needs changing. When you don’t know what to change, you make changes based on guesswork.
Making changes based on guesswork turns into a drama filled with trial and error. Keep in mind that both you and your spouse are emotional at this time and are making decisions based on being emotional.
This drama results in hasty, emotional decisions. It’s easy to lack patience and start making changes faster than the two of you are ready for.
Both you and your spouse need valid information that is relevant to the situation. Your spouse needs tools that will help them improve their part of the relationship or solve problems without hurting anyone.
Making major changes during times of emotional vulnerability is always a risky proposition. It’s risky because there’s the risk of decisions being made based on reducing pain rather than workable solutions or healthy ones.
Changes are both possible and needed during affair recovery. Although I can’t make those changes for you, I can show you where important changes are needed.
There are some areas of your relationship that when changed, turn your whole situation around. In the Affair Recovery Workshop, I point out what needs changing, where to do it and provide ways of changing how the two of you deal with each other.
I encourage you to click and download your copy today. You can start changing those areas that need changing. When you know that change is possible, it gives you hope.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
