There are times that dealing with the cheater will have you feeling like your head’s been totally turned around. You went in to confront them on something about the affair or their lying or something else. They managed turning the tables on you to where you leave feeling guilty and wondering “How did they do that?”
Keep in mind that the cheater is married to you. They know your faults and weaknesses. They know the skeletons in your closet.
Since they know your skeletons, they know which buttons to push. They ‘trigger’ your own self-doubts and guilt. By getting you to crumple during a confrontation, they manage deflecting your message.
When they can deflate you, they don’t have to deal with issues themselves.
Their ‘radar’ is always be on the lookout for ways of defflecting attacks or perceived attacks from you.
When they can distract you, they don’t have to deal with the issues.
If they can distract you by directing the focus on ‘your attitude’, they will.
If they can distract you by discounting your message, they will.
If they can distract you by deflating your confidence, they will.
Bear in mind that all their defenses are mobilized for avoiding experiencing the guilt and wrongness of their actions. Their mind uses everything it can to keep from feeling or realizing what they have done.
To top it off, all these efforts are operating on an unconscious level. So there are times you may feel crazy in the sense that on one level, they seem fine, but on another level, you feel like they are fighting you will all they have got.
You’re not loosing your mind. That is what is happening.
My hope in sharing this is that it helps you come to grips with what is going on, rather than blame yourself for it or think you are going nuts. (Even the sensation of going nuts is part of the defenses being used against you).
You are getting a double message filled with contradictions. They often put you in a no-win state, since that is what they are experiencing as well.
The best way of dealing with this situation is ‘to rewire them’. If the issues aren’t resolved, then allow them to be resolved. If they have already forgiven you, then you better forgive yourself and not allow the cheater to use your own unforgiveness against you.
In the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop“, I share tactics and tricks for dealing with communication games like these. You don’t have to continue being the victim of the games. You can start turning things around.
Click the link, fill out the form and within minutes, you can start making changes in your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
