The last time I focused on questions and answers, I addressed the motives behind questions. The reason for asking questions often tells you more than the question itself.
Today, we’ll examine a couple more questions and answers. Typically you gain awareness of things through questions and answers. Since you’re already on the mailing list, I’ll address some of the post D-day questions.
“My spouse refuses answering my questions about the affair. Don’t I have the right to know?”
The plain answer is “yes”, you have a right to know. This is part of the concept of the two becoming one that’s part of marriage ceremonies. Although you have a right to know, your spouse may choose not to tell you.
Just because you have a right, doesn’t mean that they will respect or honor it. By cheating, they have already shown a tendency to dishonor things. They dishonored their commitment to be loyal to you, so the likelihood that they will honor your request to know is low.
If you phrased your question this way (“Don’t I have a right to know?”), I would want to know about your choice of ‘don’t’. It implies that there is some hesitancy in addressing the issue.
If you are uncomfortable addressing it, the cheater is definitely going to be uncomfortable.
The second question is “Is it really an affair if it never became sexual?”
This question and its variants are often used in confusing the issue and setting up arguments over what is and is not an affair. I look at the effects of what was done and the attachments of the heart.
When you focus your attention on someone other than your spouse, there are emotional attachments. When you fantasize, emotional attachments form.
Whether or not the person you fantasize about is a neighbor, celebrity, model, associate at work, clerk at the store or a porn star, the attachments are formed. Even when you don’t touch them, having the relationship in your head forms attachment bonds.
Those attachments have effects on your marriage like an affair. Although technically, you may never slept with the lover, your putting the lover first, creates what I call “Affair Dynamics”.
I’ve confronted pastors for having an affair with their church. It was definitely non-sexual, yet they were always putting the church ahead of their spouse and family. The urgent neediness always took precedence over what was truly important.
This can happen anytime someone puts job, career, children, crises or something else ahead of you. Regardless of whether or not there were liaisons, those messes require the same kind of emotional clean up as an affair. Trust and intimacy still require rebuilding.
If you and your marriage need some repairs, you’ll want to consider the webinar “How Can I Trust You Again?” where I cover what the two of you need to do in order to rebuild trust, including the Trust Formula.
Many couples say they trust each other, yet are unaware of what it means to trust or what the components of trust are when it comes time for repairs.
Best Regards,
Jeff
