While putting together my latest video on trust, I’ve been amazed at the many things I’ve learned about the subject. One of the questions that came up is “Whether or not you can trust a cheater?”
Although it seems simple, several things have to be considered. In most cases, you can’t believe their promises and statements. It’s not that they’re always lying, it’s a matter that since they lie at times, you’re never fully sure whether they’re lying this time or not.
If they’re still actively cheating, they’re not thinking straight. They have good intentions, but they can’t be trusted at their word.
If the cheater has broken off the affair, you might be able to take them at their word. It remains a choice that you have to enter with caution.
I’ve found that you may be able to trust the cheater, but you can’t always believe them. In terms of trust, there are probably many areas where you still have to trust the cheater.
The two of you are likely tied together financially, familiar and in other ways. Trust with a cheater a conditional choice.
You can trust them with some things and not other things. You’ll need to be honest with yourself about where you can trust them and where they can not be trusted.
Although you may talk about trust being an ‘all or none’ type of thing, the reality is that trust in everyday life is conditional, situational and selective.
Trust also has building blocks. When the foundation of those blocks are in place, trust can grow. When you have the wrong foundation, you have moments of trust, but not a lasting security that comes with a healthy trust.
In the video “How Can I Trust You Again?“, you’ll discover what those building blocks are. You’ll also find ways of incorporating them into your marriage.
Honesty is one of those building blocks. It’s good by itself, yet when its’ combined with the other building blocks, you have the foundation for trust AND believability.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
In relationships, Belief is about CAN and Trust is about WILL. There are a few exceptions of early or chronic infidelity where a spouse may have been cheating from the beginning. But that is not the typical situation; infidelity may occur after many years of faithful fidelity. So a spouse knows that their now or recently cheating spouse CAN be faithful, but WILL they be faithful? Perhaps someday, but whether they will be faithful in the present and soon-to-be future or even the distant future is not about whether they can be faithful; it’s about choice.
Infidelity eliminates Trust. But many betrayed spouses extend this and believe that is also destroys their ability to Trust; it doesn’t.
I talk about ‘truths of the moment.’ A person caught in addictive infatuation or emotional blackmail does not understand that it is an addiction. They may be genuine when returning and making promises and yet they do not realize they will change their mind tomorrow or that the mate predator will use emotional blackmail to create external and toxic guilt and shame. It comes to trusting the person within and not the addict that is in control.
Every relationship is vulnerable. Before infidelity a person may know that to be true intellectually, but they know their relationship is solid. After infidelity and reconciliation a person is no longer blind to their vulnerability even with the increased strength brought through reconciliation.
Rollercoasterrider,
Wow! You have put a lot of thought into your comment. The whole idea of CAN and WILL is fascinating. The use of the term “WILL” I find intriguing. They have to make the choice and commitment to stay faithful. The cheater often makes the choice to do something. When they engage their “WILL” regarding their choices it can make a huge difference.
Some have good intentions, but their “WILL-power” often runs out. They stay committed until it becomes uncomfortable or that they loose hope.
I like your idea of the ‘truths of the moment’. They (the cheaters, and to some degree, the resolute spouse) catch glimpses of the truth. Things become clear for a moment. They run into problems when they do not hold onto the truth that they saw in that moment. I agree that they do not understand the addictive qualities of what they are in the midst of. They often do not see the forest for the trees. It is as if they have moments of enlightenment, but soon forget that clarity when their surroundings change. At that moment, they have good intentions, but loose the strength to follow through.
There is often a great amount of genuineness during those ‘truths of the moment”. The genuineness often fades when they are removed from the moment.
When you said “Every relationship is vulnerable”, you are on the money. There are many lessons that all marriages could benefit from a closer scrutiny of infidelity. It takes work to stay ‘with’ you spouse and in the moment. I often see when they know the intellectual truths, but then fail to follow through on taking action. They intellectually grasp truths (or get it), but they only have a portion of the picture. They need to also grasp the emotional truth and relational truths as well.
Those couples who have been touched by infidelity know the vulnerabilities. They are no longer naive to the risks that surround them. They see ‘reality’ in a way that couples who have not been touched are blind to.
You have given me and all the readers a great deal to think about and ponder. Thank you for sharing your insights.
Best Regards,
Jeff