The 18th century writer Sir Walter Scott is credited with the quote “Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive”. That line is actually from a play that he wrote. Scott, like many writers of his time were keen observers of human behavior.
The truth of his quote has applications into the 21st century. I was reminded of this when a reader wrote to me about a situation he struggles with. In his situation his wife cheater with her boss’s boyfriend while the boss cheats with another co-worker. When faced with such a tangled situation, it is no wonder that he struggles with it. It is bad enough discovering that your wife is having an affair. Discovering that her affair is tangled up with a network of cheating and deception is maddening.
When dealing with such a tangled mess, where do you start in making sense of it?
The place to start is with your own marriage. Start with the basic relationship of you to your spouse and deal with that situation. Take steps in restoring your marriage relationship and strengthening the bonds the two of you share. You’ll need strong marital bonds before making unraveling the tangled web.
The ‘tangled web’ functions like a support system for adultery. In keeping the secret and deception, those involved bond together. The web or interconnections create an artificial network that reinforces the behavior. Typically there are rewards and punishments used in keeping the network functioning. Keeping secrets is a powerful way of creating bonds.
The new network develops its own set of rules and expectations. When such a web exists in the workplace, your job security is at stake. The threat of possibly losing your job is part of what keeps one captive in the network. When you have a tangled web, the various loyalties put you into a position where you keep the secrets in order to allow the network to continue.
The network also has a way of creating a ‘groupthink’ mindset. When you are caught up in the network, you essentially allow the network to think for you. This comes not only when it comes to problem-solving and keeping secrets along with extending into the domain of moral questions as well. The network decides what is acceptable and not acceptable. The pressure of the group and what the group wants even overrides common sense.
It would not surprise me if the reader told me about how his wife’s job demands her loyalty and often impinges on their family time. Network groupthink methods often put their members into minor loyalty crises to reinforce their loyalty to the network.
In the case of a network that has been sexualized, there are bonds formed on many levels. It is not just about keeping secrets, it also involves exploitation and guilt as ways of keeping the network intact. The network becomes a form of family. It provides a type of belonging and security. When you are part of the network you are wanted and valued. This is a powerful force to overcome to restore your marriage relationship.
His situation was an extreme one. You may not be facing such an extreme situation, yet are dealing with the pain of discovering a workplace affair. The place to start is by downloading Overcoming Affair Trauma. You need to move past the initial shock before making sense of the network effect. Start by rescuing your own heart and mind and your own marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
