One of the obstacles that interferes with repairing your marriage after an affair may be the cheater’s coddling parents. They often justify and rationalize the affair. They believe that more ‘understanding’ and ‘acceptance’ of their child is what is needed to make things better. Many of these parents are guilty of wanting their child to be ‘happy’ rather than doing what is right. For them, it means more to see their child smile rather than for their child to reconcile the marriage or ‘do the right thing’.
Coddling parents often sincerely believe that they are doing the right thing (emotionally) and claim that they ‘love’ their child. Their admission of ‘love’ is often in a condescending manner to you, implying that you do NOT love them as much as they do, or that somehow your love is flawed. These parents often justify their actions by making decisions based on an emotional reality rather than in terms of what is right or wrong morally. For them, it is immoral to ‘upset’ their child by having them face the truth. They surround their child with lies, just to keep them in an emotional La-La land.
Coddling parents often end up undermining and weakening your marriage through their actions. They may not have started the problem, and are in actuality making it worse. When you are dealing with them, it can lead to hair-pulling frustrations. During such times, you will need to remind yourself that ‘job one’ is repairing your marriage, NOT fixing the cheater’s parents.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
5 Responses
The OW ‘s parents condoned the adulterous arrangment and even rejoiced upon the news of children born of it! Easy to see where that woman’s roots went bad….
Zaza,
That is stomach churning. Instead of rejoicing, they should have been repenting for what occurred. Children are always a joy, and are a blessing. The child did nothing wrong, although the circumstances leading up to their birth is shameful. The rejoicing of coddling parents only makes matters worse.
Yes they did not live near by or know me but they knew their daughter was ‘dating ‘ a married man with children …they did nothing to discourage her. Her half sister is a Christian …or so I was told …and apparently she once asked my husband HOW he could do what he was doing ..and he did not explain to me what he said …
He said they all just had to accept it because they loved their daughter but I have to say her father was most spineless. He had been a bank president and lost his job due to alcoholism according to the OW and her high school years were at a school much ‘lower’ than she had been used to due to their having to move to a lesser community!
Her ‘sad ‘ stories kept her convinced she was not responsible for her actions I guess. She claimed to have been anorexic…had been in a bad auto accident in college and then spent all of her adult life in therapy. I say she should have gotten her money back . Her therapist knew of her arrangement with my husband and he even met with her at one point .
My husband just said that she ‘settled’ for the situation and that he never told her he would leave me and he never encouraged her to move along as we moved from the area …but he did not discourage her either….!!!
These people are so wicked . Everyone of them makes excuses for themselves and expect others to hand over everything to them
Now he ‘sees’ her for what she is …
I feel foolish to even want my husband since he has proven to be so low …he disgraced himself and fell far below where the Lord once opened up so many doors for him .He took advantage and became unthankful and arrogant and entitled.
He is even now criticizing this woman for not being a good mother and I don’t defend her but I say “DUH! what made you think this woman was ‘good ‘ MOTHER material!
He doesn’t deserve his wife, children and all that he has
I know that we all deserve to be condemned apart from the Lord but the WORD declares all under sin so that whomsoever WILL …may seek,. find and follow the LORD .
Thus to have turned to anything or anyone other than the Lord is just in being condemned …it is GRACE that allows us TIME to repent and turn and follow HIM
There is no really GOOD REASON for people to reject the LORD …except they crave independence from all authority except their own flesh …
Those who wait upon the Lord and obey HIm shall be saved…it is HIS word that judges all …and we have the BOOK whereby we may know all things that pertain to life and godliness.
I am settling my accounts with the Lord and do pray for my husband and all of them but I will tell you that the ongoing choices and behaviors do not at this point register as going to be any more useful to those children in terms of their learning anything about morality …it is not just done by WORDS but by watching the man they call father …and observing HIS life….what they know of it is limited at present …and time is running out for him to influence them by words alone.
The girl is now worrying over her weight …he blames the mother who is obsessing over weight …I say …many women are very sensitive to the way men behave in their attitudes about women ..and appearance and body image are directly influenced by what MEN demonstrate is attracting them
This is fed to young girls through media and peer groups more as they mature .
Daddy’s statement that ‘you are just right’ only goes so far when she is in the presence of peers who focus upon the appearance and sexuality …and the teen years are very ‘dangerous’ in terms of this ..especially with a young girl who is the product of adultery …and who is only getting a few hours a week with her dad .
He really put together a horrible senario . I have no contact as I have said because it is a situation that would bring about MORE chaos and conflict even as I have offered conciliatory opportunities to the woman for the children’s sake …
I frankly do not want to be embroiled in this because there is no telling what this woman is capable of ..I feel everyone is better off staying clear of complicating this ..but it does put my husband in a ‘life’ separate from me and our marriage and family .
He is now more like a boarder here …sharing only what he wants to …still keeping his phone close to him at all times..
I feel that the words statement ” A good tree brings forth good fruit ..but a bad tree cannot produce good fruit …’ One must change the seed to change the tree…and the fruit
Jesus Christ is the seed…..the word is the good seed and we must plant it in our minds…and hearts daily and obey it for the ‘fruit’ in our lives to change by one choice at a time based upon wisdom
I pray someone who loves the Lord with whom this OW does not have her guard up …may reach her …and thus the kids….
The Word of the Lord is not bound so there IS hope in His working this out …
Zaza,
The obsession with body image going on in the OW is natural. She is afraid of being replaced by a younger, slimmer model. That is one of the price tags of being a lover. There is always the insecurity of your position. The children are likely being used to increase her security, yet she still does not feel emotionally secure. She never will feel emotionally secure given that nature of what she is doing.
She has had this problem long before she met my husband ….but you know these days I think women are pretty much effected by this no matter what . The media. the ‘boys will be boys’ attitude and their behavior in response to beautiful women .
I see that GOD told men to keep their eyes, focus upon their wives probably because it is hard to appreciate your wife if you are ‘appreciating ‘ all other women . Women are more ’emotionally sensitive’ as the verse discribing for a man to ‘live with your wife according to knowledge …because she is the ‘weaker vessel’
This ‘weakness’ cannot mean physically since there are many women who are strong phyiscally but women are wired to be more sensitive emotionally for the most part.
Men do not realize the effects of the way their eyes wander….young daughters will observe the way that their fathers behave around their mother …and what kind of women gets his attention …both focus of eyes…and in his behavior .
Norm Wakefield provides some good food for thought for men on this issue…in his seminars. How men guard their hearts and that of their wife and children is to demonstrate faithfulness first with their eyes..
ALl women know that a man is drawn and his approval of a woman is approved by his focus …looking at her …and then what he does as a result
My husband did not act upon his ‘appreciation’ of other women but his refusal to contain his enthusiasm for appreciating them and his neglect of such affection upon me was devastating …I let him know this early on and that it also sent the wrong message to other women …even if they know it is only ‘harmless flirting’ it generates thoughts’
Even if a person does not ACT upon these fantasies it destroys appreciation of the spouse and it effects them as the care, concern and nurture is depleted and then abandoned all the same
My own weight and form were kept in shape due to my career …I had no need to feel less than anyone else but my husband did not care how his behavior caused me pain …His immaturity and his life long lack of learning how his ‘harmless’ charm was devastating to women left him ‘clueless’ or so it seemed to the wrong of it .
He continues to remain in his present state …not charming women now but to neglect loving nurturing care for me….while continuing to nurture the children of adultery
I see this in some sense of his continued immaturity and selfishness. The OW has been in therapy …probably because my husband has never been a guy to invest himself in any real depth in a relationship …though he got his degree in Psychology!
He probably found the OW sufficient for HIS needs because he was not called upon nor felt the need to deal with her problems …many of which came from his involvement with her
My needs have not been met for many MANY years despite my making my requests known to him for companionship, love, affection and appreciation ..HE is more interested in courting the general public than any one on one
His continued efforts to ‘be there ‘ for the children of the adultery continue to content HIM with whatever his own needs are for attention and affection …At home he barely can be brought to kiss the top of my head goodbye or good night…usually it is just a gesture …and that upon request.
I am kind to him and offer him all of what I see I am called to do in the word and I DO love him and want to do this kind of care …he soaks it up and continues to live his independent life
He has told me he is simply doing his duty in every relationship and feels no love for anyone….
The OW is no different than all of the rest of us ..we have all been damaged by the present ways that ‘love’ has been taught …evolution …leaves only emotions as the measure ….and emotions driven by hormones leads to ‘sex is love’ in many minds
This has caused a whole generation of cold hearted young people …I have been hopeful of those homeschooled…but even that is no guarentee that they have been taught rightly in terms of what a spouse is supposed to practice …it is a very sad state we are viewing …
I presently am covered with a painful itchy rash …don’t know the cause ….I am just waiting upon the Lord to cleanse my ‘temple ‘ ….doctors tend to love a rash ..it means many many trips to many doctors
I don’t trust the good intentions of doctors now since having been taken advantage of many in the past …when you move around a lot you get a variety of treatments …doctors when I have gone …some good …most not even paying attention ..I had ONE who took out a file that was supposed to me mine….he was very arrogant when I told him I did not think it was my file as I was looking at the picture on it …of a MAN …he was arguing with me until he came over and looked at it…
When you move around a lot …as our society does ..accountability does not sustain …and many go through their lives without any consequences for their actions .
Probably one reason we moved a lot …despite his advances in his company …it cost all of us a great deal ..
If the OW is anorexic ..my husbands involvment surely gave her reason to feel ‘less than’ …I was slim and trim and fit…she was SKINNY …but her situation did not help even though my husband demonstrated his devotion to her and his rejection of me for many years.
For some people enough is just not enough.