I was blown away by a recent question from a reader of “Why isn’t she being punished?” The desire to punish and cheating are often found together like peanut butter and jelly.
Even in Dante’s inferno, cheaters had a special place in hell set aside for them. Lust and adultery are placed as the first capital sin that Dante encounters in his tour of the seven levels of hell.
Being a capital sin, adultery is viewed as the source for many other sins as well. This isn’t surprising since cheaters have been known to lie, cheat, threaten and steal in order to get their way.
In Dante’s situation, the lovers Francesca da Rimini and Paolo Malatesta are there for all to see due to their adultery. Their act is now considered required reading for classical literature buffs.
When faced with the unfairness of a cheating spouse, there’s a desire to ‘set things right’. You may want to send the lover and the cheater to the first level of hell yourself. You feel like you have been through hell, so now it is their turn.
You want them to feel torn and ripped in half, like you have been. It is natural to want them to experience hurt, loss and pain. You have had to shoulder the burden and now you want them to.
You want things to be ‘right’. You want people to play fair and follow the rules. In the world of cheating, it is every person for themselves. It is self-gratification above all.
Cheaters and their lovers justify what they do. They make excuses for their actions claiming “I did nothing wrong”.
They forget that they’re looking at the world through selfish eyes. Since they are focused on themselves and gratifying their immediate needs, they don’t consider you, your kids or the long term impact of their choices.
They only want what’s good for them (mainly since they are often unable to view their situation from your or anyone else’s perspective). They want what makes them feel better. If they had considered the long-term picture, they would not have considered cheating.
In terms of punishment, lovers each have their own rewards.
A woman who steals a man from another woman often carries with her the fear that someone else will steal him away the way she did. She’s insecure in her position, knowing that she trapped him, but his heart can always be taken by someone else.
This insecurity can escalate to the point of paranoid thinking. In that case, anyone who makes eye contact or is friendly toward her man becomes a threat to her.
Relationships begun in the selfishness of adultery often have continual problems. Problems that continue through the generations. Your pain may last for hours or days, theirs often lasts years and generations.
The price tag for their lust grows larger than the national debt and is never paid off. They may not feel the pain yet, but that does not mean that the punishment has not begun. You may not see it, but that does not mean they are unburdened.
I recall the life of a young attractive woman from the porn industry who took her life at age 32, after a series of affairs, claiming life had become “ too painful“. It could be that the lover is not expressing her pain, nor feeling it yet, but that does not mean it will not come.
Wanting revenge is not going to bring the two of you closer. Working on your marriage and changing the way the two of you deal with each other will make a difference. The Affair Recovery Workshop guides you through what you need in order to turn your marriage around..
Best Regards,
Jeff
