It always surprises me how searches are made each month for questions such as “What is Infidelity?”, “What is adultery?”, “What is an affair?” or “What is cheating?” When I see such questions, I wonder ‘what is this telling me about the trends toward cheating? ‘
It could be that you’re looking for the definitions. Many times in looking for precise definitions, it’s actually a search for loopholes.
In February of 2015, about 4,000 people queried such questions. That is a lot of searches for something that is taken as ‘common sense’, or found in any good dictionary.
These queries and searches remind me of a W. C. Fields anecdote. In the last few days of his life, someone observed him reading a Bible. Since this was not a typical behavior for Fields, they asked “Why are you reading the Bible?” His response, in typical W. C. Fields fashion was “I am looking for a loophole.”
Many cheaters ask such questions in their own search for loopholes. They look for loopholes for various reasons. In some cases, it is a legal matter. They want to see if what they did or were caught doing meets the legal definition of Infidelity, cheating, an affair, or adultery.
By focusing on the ‘letter of the definition’ rather than the spirit of the definition, they hope to avoid some of the consequences of their actions.
In other cases, when the cheater can have you chasing your tail with precise definitions, they can operate in the ‘grey area’ sandwiched between those definitions. They’ll argue that they didn’t do some specific behavior, which technically doesn’t meet the definition of ________.
Another ploy common among cheaters is drawing and then redrawing the line, which when crossed is adultery. Does the line begin with french kissing, oral sex, fondling, intercourse or coitus?
If the two of you don’t have clear lines, these discussions get heated and confusing.
The cheater misses the whole picture of how their heart was not loyal to you.
They miss that they weren’t putting you ahead of all others.
They miss the point that they stepped out on their marriage vows.
They miss the point that what they did left you feeling insecure.
Instead, they’ll have you focused on what their intentions and motivations were. They may even excuse the affair based on their state of inebriation, whether or not they used protection and how many times anything happened.
They may even chase down Bible terms such as ‘adultery’, ‘fornication’ and concupiscence in their effort at splitting hairs as part of their avoidance games.
The search for Bible terms often has other dimensions, in that they, like W. C. Fields is looking for a loophole in their dealings with God. They want to weasel out of the consequences for what they did.
The search for loopholes in a common stage in the redefining of moral standards. After the search for loopholes, they’ll want to use some new definition of terms or their own personal definition.
They’ll want to decide what is or is not infidelity, cheating, adultery, etc. When they define the standards, they can make them ‘flexible’.
They may even redefine it to where it is not adultery if they have your permission, or if both of you agree, or some other mental calisthenic kind of answer.
getting your marriage back to where you want it to be is not impossible. Change is possible in your marriage. The ‘Affair Recovery Workshop‘ guides you in making the needed changes to your relationship.
The intimacy can be reignited, the communication opened up and the game playing confronted. Click on the link and start changing your marriage today.
Best Regards,
Jeff
