One of the surprises I’ve uncovered in my travels is that on encountering famous works of art, you see something you missed before. When I encountered Rodin’s “The Thinker”, I saw it from a different perspective than the art books ever presented.
One part of this was that he was on a pedestal. I never imagined that it was so elevated. When a work is on a pedestal, you look up at it.
You see it from a different angle than the artist who worked on it did. With that different perspective, I found myself having a changed relationship with it.
Prior to seeing it, I felt like I could relate to the work. I could sit in a similar pose or even stand beside it in his struggle. I imagined I could have a conversation with someone going through his challenges.
One seeing the real thing, which is on a tall pedestal, it all changes. The thinker is no longer someone you can relate to be buddies with, the work instead becomes something larger. It becomes bigger than life.
The thinker’s problems become bigger than mine. His large size overpowers any viewer. The statue is so engrossed in his struggle, he ignores anyone around him. All that matters to him is his struggle.
When you put your spouse on a pedestal, it changes your relationship with them as well. You may look up to them, yet their only choice is looking down on you. If they speak, they speak down to you.
Speaking up and speaking down is a lousy way to run a marriage. It’s one thing to respect your spouse and quite another to put them over you on a pedestal. When they’re on a pedestal you’re limited to worship, groveling and paying respects.
When someone is on a pedestal, you can’t have a heart to heart conversation with them. There is no sharing. Instead, there are ‘rulings from on high’.
It’s just a lousy way to run a marriage.
How do you know if your spouse is on the pedestal?
Look at what they’re telling you and not telling you, how they interact with you and others, how much time do the two of you spend together or apart and their general mood.
If it seems like there are two different people living in the same house, one on a pedestal and the other at ground level, then it’s time for someone to come down.
The only way to have a healthy marriage is for both spouses to be on the same level.
It’s called equality and it means that you can speak frankly, openly and honestly with each other without fear of reprisal or recrimination from your spouse.”
When one of you is on a pedestal, it ruins the trust between the two of you. Choices are based more on who’s on the pedestal rather than trust.
There are many reasons couples put one spouse on a pedestal. The most common is that they want to avoid conflict, so whichever person isn’t in the “top” position gets pushed down and becomes marginalized or ignored altogether.
Some people also deal with their own emotional issues by putting someone else up high – it deflects some of pain and fear of making the wrong decision. That tells me that fear influences the choices made rather than trust.
You can’t trust a statue or a relationship with someone on a pedestal. They can’t have a healthy relationship with you, nor you with them. Healthy relationships starts with two equals on the same level.
Once the pedestal is out of your marriage, things can start improving.
Let’s get down to business. You can’t improve trust in your marriage when one of you is on a pedestal. Once the pedestal is removed, the two of you can start working on improving trust, since its’ the foundation of marriage relationships.
The video, “How Can I Trust You Again?” guides you in rebuilding any damaged trust in your relationship. Since healthy trust develops best between equals, the pedestals have to be removed.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
