If you want to frustrate your spouse and wreck communication, one sure way is by asking them ‘unanswerable questions’. Although you may assume that every question has an answer, some questions don’t have logical or reasonable answers.
If you think about it, asking these questions is not even a valid question because you haven’t provided any parameters. The person will either feel stumped or end up answering a different question entirely. It could be that you feel stupid or stumped by the affair, so you try making them feel what you feel.
As a teenager, one of these unanswerable questions was “Can God create a stone that is too big for him to move?” The question also has some surface validity and is illogical and unreasonable when it comes time to answer. No matter what answer you give, it is a logic trap.
When you know there is a trap ahead, even a logic trap, what do you do? You either run away or don’t answer the question.
You may have set a logic trap with unanswerable questions with your spouse. This is natural. You are feeling frustrated and trapped, so, naturally, your questions convey that. When your spouse asks a question, answer it. If you don’t have an answer, say so. Don’t try to create a logic trap.
In addition, these questions also put your spouse on the defensive and can make them feel like you are attacking them. There is no need for that. These questions are also demoralizing. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, you ask questions that convey your emotions rather than ones that can be answered.
The impact of unanswerable questions and the ensuing demoralization can be profound in a relationship. Such questions, underlined by accusation or suspicion, lead to a breakdown in communication and trust. When a person feels demoralized, they may withdraw or adopt defensive behaviors, further straining the relationship. They may even shut down.
Over time, the cycle of posing unanswerable questions and the resulting demoralization can lead to emotional exhaustion, fostering resentment and detachment. To counter this, it’s crucial to cultivate open and empathetic communication, posing questions born of genuine curiosity and a desire to understand, rather than to accuse or confound.
Even your spouse will tend to shut down. This sets up a no-win scenario. You tell them you want to talk, yet by asking them unanswerable questions, you’ve taken steps that shut down communication. You effectively sabotaged communication in your marriage.
It becomes circular logic frustration. You want them to talk, then you sabotage them talking to you with the unanswerable questions you ask them, even though you really do want responses to those questions. You want your spouse to engage with you and understand your frustration, yet the only way you know to do this is by frustrating them as well.
You may have never thought about whether or not your questions were unanswerable. Could you answer the questions you are asking? If not, they are unanswerable. If you are asking unanswerable questions, you are frustrating your spouse and yourself.
If you are stuck in that circular logic frustration of unanswerable questions, then you’ll want the latest video, “Hurting People and Healing Questions” which provides solutions and ways of moving past these ‘no win’ communication situations.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
