Turning affair lemons into lemondade

Are you among the many betrayed spouses who are turning affair lemons into lemonade? I ask the question after reading an article with the headline “Women who are cheated on come out stronger“.  Articles like these elevate my blood pressure when I consider how misleading they are.  Sure, you will be stronger, but at what cost and in what ways?

Just by surviving an affair, you will have to get stronger. You can also get stronger from going to the gym or taking a pilates class. In my mind articles like this give you a misleading positive spin. Sure getting stronger makes it sound good. It turns the hell of being cheated on into something palatable.

You could also say that men and women who went through the trauma of combat come out stronger. Sure, they now have nightmares and PTSD, but….they are stronger.  What they lost in terms of sensitivity, creativity, authenticity, willingness to take risks are all played down. Those are part of the hidden price tag for that strength.

Have you considered the hidden price tag of being cheated on?

How many of you have lost your security, your family, your peace of mind? How about those of you who lost your ability to conceive due to some infection the cheater brought home? Or how about the bruises and scars you have from what happened, whether they are emotional or physical? What about your confidence as a man or woman? Sure you may come out of the affair stronger on one level, but consider what it cost to do so.

Anytime you gain strength, you lost something else along the way. In order to gain the kind of strength that comes from surviving an affair, you sacrificed something or it was taken from you.

The article turns around and claims women are stronger after an affair, giving you enough cognitive dissonance, and then hits the reader with questions about the acceptability of polyamory, validating the choice of non-marriage and giving a negative stigma to divorce. Although I see the psychological manipulation going on, I often wonder if you do.

The article gets emotions stirred up, creating “cognitive dissonance“. Once the dissonance is achieved, the author then presents false choices in order to subtly manipulate your values and choices. It leaves the reader thinking these are the ‘good’ choices, since it reduces the dissonance.  They make you feel stronger, yet have pointed you to consider the option of polyamory and choosing not to marry in the first place.It makes it so that you will feel stronger in order to try one of their “chosen” options.

If you are hurting and wanting your marriage to survive an affair, this is not the kind of strength you need.  You need a sense of hope. You need some new ways of communicating and solving problems, you need direction in terms of knowing what to talk about and look for. In my mind, improving your communication skills, relationship skills and making your marriage stronger will do more for you than getting a tougher emotional outer skin or experimenting with alternative lifestyles that will end up confusing your moral compass.

Best Regards,

Jeff