You may be thinking that it would be nice if the cheater told you that they were sorry for what they did. Although such a statement sounds like it would make things better, it doesn’t. When the cheater tells you they are sorry, they are only admitting that they were caught. Admitting you have been caught does not move the relationship forward, unless the cheater lives in such a fantasy world that they do not even want to admit being caught. In those cases, they are so in denial that they are out of touch with reality.
When a cheater is in denial that deep, they are living in a fantasy rather than living ‘real life’. The fantasy may be fun for them, but it is tough on you. They want you to live in their bubble of denial with them. When alcoholics or drug addicts do the same thing, the result is a roller coaster ride from hell. When they live in such a degree of fantasy, they are not listening to you. They are living in their own head more than they are living in the real world.
The other problem with them never saying they are sorry is the whole aspect of saying they are “sorry”. Sorry is a response associated with getting caught. It is not a statement of remorse, or assuming responsibility, or repentance. It is only stating that they did not like getting caught. Confusing them telling you they are sorry with repentance often leads to more heartache and bigger problems.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
4 Responses
Can you please explain how they should be showing remorse, resposibility and repenting; instead of just saying,”I’m sorry for hurting you.”
I am not sure if I’m able to distinguish now, if it is true remorse, responsibility or repentance… I hear, what seams as a genuine, “I’m sorry for the hurt I’ have caused you.” But how do I know if there is genuine remorse, responsibility or repentance, if the view on my life right now seems so skewed?
Mel,
Thank you for asking. I wasn’t sure if such a brief explanation did it justice. True repentance expresses remorse for what was done and its effects on others. When it is genuine, the offender also will want to ‘make good’ or compensate you for having done what they did. They will also assume responsibility for their thoughts, actions and emotions rather than blame others or yourself for what they did. This is under ‘ideal’ circumstances. In real life, cheaters do not show all those things right away and some are closer to it than others. Let me know if this clears it up. If it does not, I will either write a post or longer article explaining it further.
That is so true…I hear’ I’m sorry” daily …just before he goes up to sleep in the spare bedroom….or whenever he sends me my copy of his texts from the OW children ..or her….
Sorry does not begin to make a difference when conditions are continued on the same destructive path of taking from the marriage and giving what belongs to the spouse to anything or anyone else.
The lack of effort to really put some energetic thought into building up the relationship that has been damaged is almost MORE hurtful because it is an acknowledgement of the pain that is being caused but a continued expectation of going on doing the same things
I have little choice in this situation …I am not young…I am not always well ..and I am not equipped any longer with the skills I once had to support myself after 31 plus years of homeschooling .
I feel like I must wait out whatever the LORD will bring to pass in this situation which is not altogether a bad thing …but I see that since Christ came PEOPLE were given responsibilities for acting upon HIS WORD …in the case of confronting a person committing adultery …but I have found no one that my husband is willing to hear …able to do that …so I am waiting for a work of the LORD that is not orchestrated by man.
This seems very difficult …but in patience I possess my soul and actually I HAVE seen things come about that were unexpected on my husbands part …that caused him pause…so God is STILL actively participating as long as I stay IN Him …walking the best to my knowledge in HIS words.
Still it is very difficult emotionally for me and my daughters to see his ‘sorrowful ‘ face yet also witness his deliberate action for the sake of the other family that he created …He has no real ‘power” there …only contribute money .,..but SHE runs the show…and he obeys whatever she tells him in terms of those kids and what he is permitted to give them
He gave a few pages of Proverbs he copied for his daughter to read and soon heard from their mother that he is not to ever give them anything Bible again …SO he is really just an “errand boy ‘ for her demands.
He does not see that he himself must draw the line ..and that if he would obey GOD’S protocol he would be free of this …but humanism prevails in thinking today in regard to ‘what is a father’ …it is a shallow and terrible form of parenting ….sadly
I always have a comment on this kind of thing..sorry if I am redundant …it is close to home as you know.
Thanks for another great post Jeff !
Zaza,
Thank you again for your comments. Long term struggles like yours takes a great deal out of a person. You do not have many choices in your situation. It sounds like he regrets the suffering, but it does not sound like there is much repentance or turning from the bad choices. It is as if he regrets the bad choices, but continues a course where he does little more than tread water on a daily basis. That would drain anyone.