After you have been cheated on, it is natural to ask “Why?” and wonder about what was going on in the cheater’s mind. entering the mind of the cheater is a dangerous place to go. They often do not understand themselves, and now you think that you are going to be able to understand them through your analysis of their actions, motives and emotions. You trying to figure out the cheater is tantamount to you trying to preform brain surgery while you are bleeding out from knife and gun shot wounds yourself. Before you try to figure them out, you need to take care of yourself and figure yourself out first. Trying to analyze them before you have your own emotions, thinking and behavior under control is a recipe for disaster. I can not guarantee that the cheater will come back to you, but I can guarantee that trying to figure them out before you get yourself taken care of will ruin your marriage. It is not by accident that the Bible in Proverbs 14:1 shows the comparison between a wise woman who builds up her home and the foolish one who takes it down with her own hands. Analyzing is a way of taking things apart. It is sad to think that some of you women may be tearing down what remains of your marriage with your analyzing and breaking down. It seems that what the lover could not destroy, you are doing yourself.
Rather than tearing the cheater down or breaking them down, it would make more sense to repair the damage and build up what is missing, be it intimacy, trust, communication, or something else. The choice is up to you, “Are you analyzing and breaking things down when you should be taking action and building things back up?”
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
3 Responses
I would agree with this …I do however see that in our situation nothing I do helps either way .
His involvement with the Other children of that adultery totally put an end to his involvement to restore our marriage
He is now expressing a hope to die to escape any further feelings that this situation puts him in …he is torn toward them but not being very much able to effect their lives as a real ‘father’ …only a school bus function for them …no other activities.
He only functions at home as a border …eating …watching some tv while online and then upstairs to bed
He does help with some chores which is something like he feels he should do in some way to ‘make up ‘ for years of neglect of our family in these areas…and we have no financial extra to put into hiring help anyway now
How life has changed for him
Where he once was in control and had two separate but satisfactory arrangements FOR HIM …he now has two ‘families’ …one with a woman he now cannot stand …with two children he feels some obligation toward
Our family which he never wanted to destroy but has no humility to put effort into learning what must be done to make any real changes.
He wanted it ‘all’ and now he has it but it is more than he bargained for
My daughters and I try to engage him …and keep up kindness…but he is in a state of hopelessness….trapped in a life where he has few joys.
It is really sad …I keep trying to encourage him but he is secure in his misery. ALL of the word he once knew is seemingly hitting a ‘wall’
I am sad too at bedtime in particular as I hope for him to say he will come back to our bed…but he simply kisses me and hugs me and says good night…..
It is a puzzle to me …I keep the option open for him and tell him I miss him and would like him to come back but he just sighs and says ” I just want it to be ‘over’ “…meaning life
it is sad ..and actually scary to hear this ..he still does well in his work …it seems to be his last escape from the daily awareness of his situation.
The other children text him asking him to come over …even during his work hours..This is HIS doing since he leaves work to pick them up to take them a four block distance to school….just so they know he is there and caring for them .
It is good for them perhaps but it is continuing damage to OUR relationship …I guess what Jesus said about no man can serve TWO masters is correct”
A married man cannot invest what belongs to the LORD and his wife without damages to all …including those he is stealing from his marriage to give away to others …at the expense of his marriage vows.
I think those kids are going to be further damaged by his not being ABLE to be there for them …he is really just a minimal fringe personage in their life ..the one that brings money …a poor training for what people are for in life for them .
I feel that between the woman who used him for her desires…and his being ‘useful’ for their financial needs…that those kids will grow to learn to be users too .
They are on the brink of adolescence and I see some signs of this sort of character damage already developing ..but the die is cast pretty much …no effective change is being made in how or what they are learning .
He would become a better role model if he would first deal with his own character…but he is a stubborn and proud man …so …what is it they say about doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome?
One painful and offensive thing he told me about what he THOUGHT might develop should he ever be found out was that he THOUGHT our kids would be a good influence upon those kids
Now in a divorce , remarriage and blended family I might see how he could conclude this possibility but my daughters who were raised in the WORD are appalled that their father planned children with this adulteress and then presumed that THEY would take up ,…in essence ;.raising them …being ‘good influences; upon them.
I am sure that my children WOULD be great influences but under these circumstances ..HIS choices have ALREADY stolen YEARS from my adult children at a time when they should be meeting and making their own marriages it has effectively brought life to a HALT while we have to move AGAIN …and have little ability to bond with others….making friends with this kind of thing going on …NEW communities ….is very hard
we have moved so often and have no network of people who know us for any real length of time except my past ministry friends which are now fewer and spread abroad.
His selfishness when it comes to OUR family is astonishing and he was not willing to ‘kick her to the curb” when he was found out but was more than willing to ‘throw ‘ not just me and our marriage ‘under the bus’ but our daughters lives!
It is ongoing now that he is ‘caring for ‘ the other children while our daughters have memories of him being too busy to even call them …even now …
He sorrows but it is not godly sorrow ..it is worldly sorrow that ends in death and it is not for lack of trying to engage him ..kindly ..
HE is a stubborn man …he has said on more than one occasion he would rather die and go to hell than make the kind of changes that are needed….Sadly
So what suggestions are useful for me now???
Zaza,
Your situation contains some tough obstacles. Your husband is obviously torn in his loyalties. Since he is ‘stubborn’ as you say, he requires a big situation in order to get his attention and to put him back into a place where he will have to rely on God. It is as if the situation had to be big enough to match his stubbornness. I do not see any easy ways out of it, since there are so many people involved. In terms of split family loyalty issues, he faces some dilemmas akin to Jacob, who was often faced with the split family. Another who lived through a split family scenario was Hannah. In each of these examples, good finally did come from some really crazy making situations filled with drama and intrigue as are most split family situations.
Your husband did make a mess of things, as men and cheaters are inclined to do. In situations like yours, you may have to look at the big picture. I am reminded of an illustration used by Edith Schaeffer, in describing God’s tapestry. Since we are on the backside, we only see a mish-mash of confusing events. We have not seen the other side, where the tapesty’s beauty lies when sense is made of all the so-called ‘random’ events in our lives.
Good comments….I have to agree….it is rather concerning that anything ‘big’ enough to shake up my husband will no doubt have reverberations that extend to all of us …even as his choices have …sad.
My aunt used to carry on lengthy communications with Edith ….did not get to know about them though ..heard about it after the fact…the tapestry idea is a good one to think of in times of turmoil Thank you!!