Many cheaters assume that since they came clean that there is no further need to discuss the affair with you. They think that it is over, so “why bother talking about it?” There is its close cousin, where the cheater has one or two talks with you about the affair, then consider the matter settled and dealt with. They may even proclaim “The affair is over, The matter is closed for discussion.” When such attitudes settle in, communication grinds to a halt. It is as if the distance between the two of you has been cemented in concrete with such proclamations.
The cheater often wants life to ‘go on’. They feel that discussing the affair will only turn into a broken record, where the same is fight is re-fought again and again. In many cases, the cheater is right. You may be asking the same question over and over, which means that they respond with the same answer over and over. In such cases, it does become a broken record. Rather than continue the broken record, you may need to ask different questions. You will never know every detail about the affair, you do not really want to know every detail. Wanting all the details is akin to wallowing in the gore at a crime scene. It only serves to mess things up worse. Instead of wallowing in the details, think through what you really need in order to move your marriage forward.
Another point about discussing the affair. Discussions are two way conversations. You will need to hear the cheaters pain and issues as well. Using the talks to only vent about yours is a sure way to shut your spouse down.
In discussing the affair, gaining ‘understanding’ is MORE important than agreement. Using the talks to force them to agree with your version of events or your interpretation is more like brainwashing. When you try to ‘program’ them to say or think a certain way, you are treating the cheater like a computer rather than as a human. Humans do not work well with such programming, they do better being treated as people rather than like machines.
Best Regards,
Jeff Muraah
