A reader left a comment which reminded me that few people know the difference between repentance and forgiveness. Although the two often go together, being fuzzy on the difference between them often leads to disastrous consequences.
Repentance is when the cheater admits what they are doing, with the intention of turning from what they did. When the cheater is truly repentant, they’ll admit what they did, acknowledge it was wrong, validate how it impacted you, ask for forgiveness along with taking steps correcting the damage they contributed to. On top of that, they do it all WITHOUT defensiveness!
When all the cheater does is admit what they did, it’s often a half-hearted repentance. Just admitting what happened can occur when they finally face the facts about the affair.
It sounds complicated, yet each peace of a full repentance is important.
- Admit what happened
- Acknowledge that what they did was ‘wrong’
- Validate how it impacted you
- Ask forgiveness
- Take steps correcting the damage
Cheater often ask me exactly what to say. When this happens, they are often looking for a recipe for making things better. They want the magic formula. The assumption is that by saying the magic formula, inserting the correct words, all will be well.
They don’t realize that you sense where their heart is. You know when what they are telling you is ‘just words’ and when it’s coming from their heart. There’s power in statements and repentance coming from the heart. It’s a power that you feel when you walk in the room.
Forgiving them BEFORE repentance often gives cheaters an easy out. The mindset is that when you forgive, the matter is settled. Forgiving before there has been repentance often closes off the issues before they’re settled.
It puts the affair and the surrounding issues as ‘off limits’. Once you forgive, the moment you bring up the affair, you’re ‘nagging’ them. Forgiveness is powerful. It opens and shuts relationship doors. For this reason, forgiveness should be approached cautiously.
(If you want more on communication like ‘repentance and forgiveness’, the Affair Recovery Workshop, goes deeper into the issue. Forgiveness is a key part of recovery and getting it wrong means the problems continue)
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
My mistake was forgiving my husband and not having him repent for what he did my husband said he was sorry but he still entertained conversations with his lovers
Thank you for sharing mr Jeff
Be bless sir
Lafleur,
Thank you for the encouraging words. You’re not along in making mistakes about forgiveness. So many people forgive way too early or forgive when there has been no repentance. I strongly believe in forgiveness. Forgiveness is powerful, yet that powerful tool can be misused and taken advantage of. In my thinking, that’s why in I John 1:9 there is confession (e.g. repentance) prior to forgiveness.
All the best,
Jeff