By the time you are reading this, you may be wondering how you could have missed the cheating, or how stupid you were for not seeing the signs of cheating. The reality you may not want to face is that you likely saw many of the signs but either did not think any more of it or thought that somehow your relationship was an ‘exception’.
In terms of predicting infidelity, the question remains as to whether there are any ways of predicting it. Since people follow patterns, the first clue you will look for are patterns of infidelity. Have they been unfaithful in the past? Do they have a history of sleeping around? Is there a family history of infidelity? These questions let you know if such a pattern exists. If there is a pattern, then you will want to look for other signs of trouble. Some of the signs of trouble are poor impulse control which is often seen in abuse of drugs, alcohol or gambling. If they tend to go overboard in one area, that tendency often spills over into other areas of their lives. You may also want to listen to them talk. Do they exhibit a great deal of loose talk? Do they joke about cheating? Since infidelity occurs in their head before it happens in the bed, they may be giving off signals. You may want to listen for references to fantasies or fantasy talk. If they are a person prone to large amounts of fantasy or sexually explicit fantasies, the risk is high.
These are not sure fire, 100% confidence signs of infidelity, although, paying attention to them will give you advance warning of problems or potential affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
3 Responses
The ‘signs’ I NOW realize I might have seen as predictive would be some of the ways he was not loyal to me in areas where a husband is to be in obedience to the Lord’s command for marriage recorded in Genesis.
He was a people pleaser which means whenever he was the least bit insecure because of Jesus Christ he would side against me …I am rather vocal about the Lord and was in music ministry for many years before we met. I was actually performing in a band for his grandfather’s wedding reception when I met him
He simply could not handle the rejection that often comes from people who do not love the Lord. So he sided with his family ..and friends and then developed closer ‘fellowship ‘ with his co workers around drinks after work once he began working in a Corporate surrounding
He then began to distance and become expecting of a private life. I accommodated his desire for privacy thinking it was respectful of me and that it would pass as he became more comfortable in marriage..but it did not . He did not develop a more trusting and openness…as the scriptures tell us is foundational for marriage…Leaving …cleaving …and transparency were antithetical to his desire for his life.
My husband was not mature in so many of the ways that men are not brought to maturity in our culture and in families where the Word of GOD is not known nor desired. His character was kind, compassionate, generous and caring . He was funny and full of positive and joyful attitudes but he was also full of stubborn pride and refused to be taught anything from ANYbody ..AFTER marriage …and AFTER moving closer to his hometown.
Our first year of marriage was far away from all of that and our friends were those of the fellowship and his work was with an older man married for some 50 years
What a shock to find that he was so easily turned away from developing his relationship with the Lord and me …to serve his flesh and seek to please people who were plentiful in their growing demands upon his time and energy JUST as our first child was born …it seemed that suddenly he had NO time or interest in domestic life…at all
His interest in being with our baby was there but eventually even that was set aside.
By the time our third child was born and we had already moved seven times in nine years …he was off and running on the fast track to being “invincible’ and at that time met the OW …she approached him while he was transferred….leaving me with a new baby and a huge remodel to finish and then market and move our household
I believed his new responsibilities to be so huge I tried to take the load off and not demand his time or even that he get home to help. His usual comment whenever there was something I told him needed to be done was ‘I make too much money to do that job …Hire someone’ ….Considering the job he had I believed him …and it was true but had he been humble enough to take active part in home life I believe it would have grounded him and protected him and us as well
This attitude of self entitlement is now rampant in kids growing up being told that they can be whatever they put their mind to …along with a few other selfish doctrines that are held up today in education and social circles …media as well.
Is it any wonder our nation is cannibalizing itself with so many ‘options’ to gorge oneself on in independence and entitlements!
With the help of some of the false teachings in churchianity …I have found many women like myself found out too late that ‘respecting ‘ a man who is selfish and immature and abuses the scripture is NOT the definition of ‘respect’ for a husband …along with them hearing from the pulpit the exhortation to wives..’you had better give your husband sex or he will be led to find another who is willing’ ..that message heard more than once by my own ears from bible teachers …meant well but it places the pressure on the WRONG person
A man is to be FAITHFUL to his vows…a wife has her part to play but the marriage state if MOSTLY the responsibility of the MAN who is to learn what GOD means by HUSBANDS LOVE YOUR WIVES ….AS CHrist loved the church AND GAVE HIMSELF for her.
More than one man I know heard that teaching and then felt he was within his ‘rights’ to wander because his wife did not ‘give him sex’
Without qualification …!
A man should control his flesh whether married or not ..because NO women NOT his WIFE is for his personal USE.
The teachings from some pulpits is astonishing and I think SOME teach this so they can cover their own sinful urges to justify their lust !
Voice of experience…saw whole ministries brought down by this upside down shift of responsibility to the WIVES for the state of the marriage …totally upside down and backwards.
MEN are representative of Christ in the marriage in their demonstration of holiness, loyalty and sacrifice of self …no matter WHAT and the wife is actually designed more or less as a RESPONDER …even as Christ was initiator …HE went FIRST
1Jo 4:19 We love him, because he first loved us.
So whenever I hear a man ranting about how he had to leave his wife because somehow SHE was flawed…I think …you are a fool …you just proclaimed your ignorance or refusal to fulfill the responsibilities of a husband as The LORD proclaimed you had the PRIVILEGE to do !
The man is to be HEAD …not despot …not ‘owner’ but leader which Jesus went on to elucidate regarding godly leadership attributes….saying
Mat 20:25 But Jesus called them [unto him], and said, Ye know that the princes of the Gentiles exercise dominion over them, and they that are great exercise authority upon them.
Mat 20:26 But it shall NOT be so among you: but whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister;
Thus He confirmed as in other places that those who are ‘head’ are to lead by first submitting to the LORD who bought them …and to be examples of self sacrifice….
Many are headless households in today’s world ….widows and orphans with a man who ‘claims’ lordship without servant’s heart…they have not submitted to the LORD and thus will not submit to any other standard which requires denial of self .
Wives are not so much in need of the commands from the Lord to do this …being mothers may be one reason …mother’s have a way of most usually being sacrificial to some degree
A man’s sacrificial Christ like love in marriage will encourage a wife to return that kind of loving submission to him
I find it interesting that even as I showed ‘respect’ for my husband during his poor treatment ..I showed respect by way of also calling upon him to rise up to the better man he once was …not in a nagging way ..but I would then submit and continue to hope for his realizing and waking up to all the blessings he had
He did not …he did not appreciate his wife and children but used us as a front for his image while seeking pleasure
It turns out that in his desire to NOT be ‘changed’ by his wife or GOD ..he became a slave to the OW ‘s whims…her methods of manipulation NOW are apparent and he is demoralized to finally see HOW she controlled him
Sad for all
Zaza,
You definitely saw some early warning signs. Signs like those can give you clues as to where his heart is focused and what his issues are. You are definitely more alert than many spouses in terms of picking up on the signs he was giving off.
Well maybe so but my early ministry influence only gave part of the story about what is the responsiblity of BOTH spouses in marriage. Many men use that ‘not enough sex;” excuse but God commands self control and especially in the area of sexual lust….his comment was to FLEE any and all situations and people that were unsafe for the marriage….
This is the WALK that GOD instructed us to DO .
Right after Jesus told men that to look and keep on looking upon a woman and having lust in the heart …that it as the same as committing adultery
I believe that is because HE knew that the design of man which was intended for GOOD and to draw him to his wife was the flooding of hormones when a man sets his eyes…and mind upon a woman’s appearance…
AND Following that scripture is the wisdom of what parts of his body he needs to take care to not allow the freedom to go after sin …’If your EYE offends….’ men often are led away by what they see…and what we see influences what we think …we are to have a “Renewed mind ‘ …the command post of our lives is our MIND which is to be filled with God’s word with understanding as we continue to study and seek out the whole counsel of the WORD …’
Then we need to heed the wisdom to not TOUCH …what is not ours…or linger ‘If your hand offends you …”
Men are told NOT to ‘help themselves’ to any woman not their wife.
Then feet are certainly part of this wisdom …don;’t GO where or around those who are ungodly ..for ‘evil communications corrupt GOOD morals’
ALL wisdom is practical …and of all the sins there are the ONE that is consider too much for man to ‘handle’ in ANY other way than to FLEE …is that of sexual sin …
Why ?
Well we all know very well if we are on this site..sadly ..it is HUGE damage to all …in every way …the consequences go on for generations UNLESS there is a LARGE repentant turn around …which takes God’s bestowing the grace of a conscience that is broken over the sin ..not just convicted of it ..
So …yes …I NOW know that just ‘respecting ‘ my husband …was not love enough …just being a good wife and a kind woman was not enough …my husband USED that grace and love to take freedoms he was not entitled to
Marriage means we FORFEIT rights and take on responsibilities and it is just like salvation when we enter in to Christ ..we forfeit being our own lord and we take upon us the ‘yoke’ of Christ that frees us from the tyranny of all kinds of temptations
If we are not IN situations or with people in the first place which we can see a mile away are going to be tempting ..then we are not going to have to fight off our tendencies to seek pleasure when it is not appropriate for us
Marriage offers the BEST of all things that are good about sex…but as with the word of GOD it takes patient continuing to doing what is right day after day and not to seek after what is not OF God …He keeps us notified if we are tuned in to Him by way of daily word reading and examining ourselves because THAT is the best place for anyone to BE …and be ‘safe’ from all the nonsense that we are being bombarded with all around in today’s world.
It was to be two lives …lived in a NEW life together …not the woman joining her husband’s agenda….which is more or less how it was played out in our marriage …and was taught to us through many various resources….hmmmm somebody needs to read up on what GOD actually has to say …
When you are a new follower or a newly wed you buy into a lot of what others who are more ‘experienced’ or “knowledgeable ” have to say, but what really sets one free from false doctrine about all things is to be informed directly from the words of the LORD as led by Him as we meet Him daily in His word/mind as provide to us in the Bible ..He will be found by those who seek Him with a hungry and ready heart.