This afternoon as I was reading through blog posts and emails a surprising realization came to mind. What struck me was the totally messed up logic behind affairs.
Take a moment and think through this with me. A couple has marital problems and one of the spouses sleeps with another woman to fix the relationship with his wife.
First having sex with someone other than your spouse isn’t a way of fixing any marriage. For example if my lawnmower isn’t working, going to the neighbors and revving up his lawnmower isn’t going to fix mine. It won’t fix my neighbor’s lawnmower either, especially since you started his mower without his permission.
The lawnmower example exposes the craziness underlying cheating. Affairs won’t fix your marriage. That’s not where the problem lies and certainly won’t be where the solution is either.
Even in the case of a revenge affair, sleeping with someone else as a way of getting back only spreads hurt. It doesn’t bring healing.
Use the lawnmower situation again. Using another lawnmower to make yours jealous or to make it feel bad just doesn’t make sense. The use of lawnmowers may sound silly, but it shows the messed up thinking with affairs.
After screwing someone else, the cheater typically denies having done it. At that point the two of you fight over them keeping what they did in secret or lied about.
Keeping a secret or lying won’t improve your marriage and neither does the sleeping around. Now the two of you have plenty to fight about, yet aren’t any closer to solving the marriage problems.
The affair didn’t fix anything, the secret didn’t fix anything. The two of you continue fighting about your imagination of what you think happened versus what the cheater thinks happened. The two of you fight over versions of reality and the fantasies each of you have about the affair.
When the problem lies within your marriage relationship, the solution lies within your marriage relationship as well. When you look for solutions in the wrong places, the best outcome is that you fix the wrong problem.
When you’re tired of fixing the wrong problems and fighting over different versions of dysfunctional behaviors, consider downloading the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” The solution to problems in your marriage is to start in your marriage.
Some problems can be solved, others have to be lived with. When the two of you trust each other, it makes problems easier to solved and what can’t be solved can be lived with easier.
Click and download your copy today. It beats fixing wrong problems.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
