It is easy saying that you want more trust in your marriage. A more challenging question is that of “How much trust do you want?” or the even larger challenge of “How far are you willing to go to get that trust?”
Trust is essential in a marriage. Without it, the two of you are second guessing each other and always looking over your shoulder for competing interests.
Without trust, your position in the relationship is always be dependent on your most recent performances. If you are doing well, remaining attractive and sexually satisfying, your role is secured until the next show.
Trust is foundational when it comes to security. When there’s no trust, there’s no security in the relationship.
Affairs damage trust. Once trust is damaged, you’re faced with the challenge of rebuilding the damaged trust. Once you start rebuilding, it’s important considering, “How much trust do you want?”.
Since trust is a two-way street, rebuilding it requires taking risks, self-disclosing, and moving outside of your comfort zone. If you are unwilling to do those things, you’ll be limiting the amount of trust that develops in your marriage.
One of the risks is that there’s no guarantee that the cheater will return the effort. There is no guarantee of success if you do those things to improve trust.
There is no guarantee that the cheater will even appreciate the effort that you made.
Trust doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time to grow. You can make the choice to trust, but that’s not the same as ‘allowing’ the trust to grow.When you grow trust the right way, with all the pieces, trust develops naturally.
There are times you’ll have to let go of control in hopes of gaining some trust. If you are never willing to let go of control, you are limiting how much trust can grow in your marriage.
You also need to consider your safety and the safety of your children. Putting them at risk in the hope of gaining trust can be a foolish risk. You need to be aware of what your limits are. (Yes, there are limits to how far you can go in trying to improve trust.)
You might be willing to risk yourself, but when you involve others, you are overstepping your risk-taking. When your life or the lives and security of your children are at risk, you are taking too big a risk.
You may excuse putting yourself in dangerous positions, yet when you put your children at significant risk, the risk is too high. Things like letting them ride with drunks or riding in cars at excessively high speeds or domestic violence are examples of ‘significant risks’.
My thoughts are to ‘start rebuilding trust in small ways’. With each success, you’ll have more to work with. Over time, your successes give you more confidence and experience. You will know what you are capable of, and what your limits are.
If you don’t know where to start or need further help, the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” guides you in the journey of rebuilding trust. The video also includes the ‘trust formula’ so that you can make sure your marriage has what it needs. You can once again have the peace of mind that comes with trusting your spouse.
Best Regards,
Jeff
