Today’s post on helping your spouse with healing is more for the cheater than the betrayed spouse, although it will help each of you.
The first step in healing is ending the affair. As simple as it sounds, this step is often side stepped or incomplete. When you end the affair, end it. Stop the calls, emails, fantasies, etc.
You may even need to end the affair in the presence of your spouse. That way your spouse knows for sure that you ended the affair. If you have lied about the affair, they may need the added assurance that you actually ended it. Just telling them may not be good enough. Ending them should be short and abrupt. dragging out the good-bye only extends the affair and gives the lover another chance to get their hooks in you.
Once your affair is ended, the the recovery begins. Both you and your spouse will have to recommit to each other. There will also be a time for emotional healing and restoration. It is the healing and restoration that I want to address.
Your spouse may need frequent reassurances during this time. Getting tired of their need for reassurances will get you in trouble. Instead of dismissing their neediness, listen to them. They need reassurance that they have your full attention. They need to feel that your heart and mind are with them. They need a reconnection with you.
You will play a major role in healing your marriage. You played a major role in hurting in and now you will play a major role in healing it. That role includes listening to your spouse and hearing them out rather than getting defensive and irritated at them.
Any irritation you express toward their need for reassurances will be viewed as a rejection. Their feelings are raw and yes, they will be emotionally reactive. They need your help in restoring their normal emotional responses. They need your help in bringing them back to healthy functioning.
They may need assurance that you still find them attractive, and that you need them. Part of the challenge is that they will expect you to tune into their needs without needing to be told.
You may have to encourage them to tell you about their needs and fears. When they tell them to you, it is essential that you hear them out without defensive reactions. They need you to demonstrate the ability to handle emotions that they can not handle themselves.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
