The Ashley Madison hack continues spawning many articles. I am amazed at the articles I have seen in response to the hack. You may have seen some of these articles by legal experts providing services for those caught cheating and whether or not online dating as a whole will be impacted. One that I found fascinating was an ‘expert’ who refers to the lovers as “girl-fiends”. There was also an article questioning the whole online security risk posed by affair promoting sites like Ashley Madison. They conclude that not even cheating online is safe anymore. Cheating has never been safe, low risk or even risk-free. This is one of the myths that keep affairs going. Affairs are always a high-risk activity that masquerades as a low-risk secretive playtime.
I have even shared my thoughts with you on the matter addressing whether or not someone has cheated by just signing up for the services of Ashley Madison. In reading through the various articles, it has led me to re-examine the whole process of an affair and how they start.
I was reminded by marketing expert, Todd Brown that “motion precedes emotion”. On hearing that, I realized that his insight also applies to affairs. You may not have considered that before. Think about it for a moment…people act, then they feel. People do things and the emotions are what comes later.
Cheaters act before they feel. Cheaters take steps to make an affair happen before they become emotionally embroiled in them.
The weird thing is how they fall back on ’emotion’ when confronted. You may hear ‘but I love them’ or ‘but we have feelings for each other’. The plain, simple truth is that the emotion followed motion. The cheater took steps to make an affair happen. They took action. The emotions came later. The emotions came after their actions were executed. The feelings came after they started the affair.
Take the case of Chris. Chris has some thoughts of infidelity. They started as curiosities. Whenever Chris was upset or lonely, returning to the thoughts of infidelity brought some comfort. It added some excitement to daily life. With greater frequency Chris continued revisiting the thoughts of infidelity. They had gone from “What would it be like to…” to “I need more excitement” to “I deserve to be happy”. Over time the thoughts grew more powerful and were more frequent. Chris also found more unhappiness in the current marriage situation. Chris wanted more. An affair promised more. Although no affair had happened yet, the choice was being made to start things happening. Chris began looking for ways to make an affair happen. There was not ideal lover, Chris just knew that something different was needed.
Chris had not been in the dating scene for a while. The site Ashley Madison made it look easy and risk-free. Chris, like many cheaters had one of those conversations with themselves. “What will it hurt?” “The site says my data is safe”, “I can always say no to the affair if I don’t click with the person they hook me up with”. Chris decided to sign up.
Then after using the services, Chris was infatuated with the affair and a hot new lover. It was nervous that first time, but Chris felt strong emotions. Chris barely knew them, yet….they brought up feelings that had not been around for awhile. Chris felt ALIVE!
So when did the affair begin? When Chris began making choices or when Chris began executing choices or when physical involvement began?
As romantic as it may sound to say emotions made them do things, those emotions did not start things. When they try bamboozling you with the emotions, it is a way of avoiding responsibility.
This idea of motion precedes emotion is not a new one. I recall struggling with the ideas of William James in psychology classes. His idea that when we encounter a bear, we start running and THEN we feel afraid. Although you may assume that you get scared and then start running, that is not the way it happens. This idea was counter-intuitive for me as it may be for you as well. Truth is often counter-intuitive.
The cheater makes choices and takes action that make an affair possible. Their actions make emotional involvement possible. No matter how they want to snow you with emotional appeals and saying that they are emotionally involved and can’t help it, they made conscious choices before that. They took actions before the emotions kicked in.
This is another reason why signing up for Ashley Madison’s services is bad news. The cheater is in motion. They are making the affair happen. They are setting up and preparing for something to happen. When they signed up, they were pregnant with expectations. They are already fantasizing at that point. Their signing up is an earnest contract on purchasing an affair. Whether or not money changed hands, their heart is open to an affair happening at that point.
Remember “motion precedes emotion”
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
