When you’re in the middle of it, any affair seems ‘long term’. Time goes slowly when you know your spouse is seeing someone else.Emotionally, it feels like an affair that lasts for years.
Although most affairs last up to 15 months, some last longer than 15 months. When you’re dealing with an affair that’s been going on for longer than 15 months, you are dealing with a ‘long term’ affair.
Researchers have found that between 25-30% of affairs last two or more years (24+ months).
When an affair becomes long-term, it brings unique problems. I’m going to address the unique issues in a frank manner.
If you’re easily offended in matters about the affair, you’ll want to stop at this point. My intention is one of providing honest answers to a tough issue.
One of the problems is that along the way, everyone has done things that accommodate the affair.
They may have been intentional or unintentional. You may have never wanted something like this to happen, yet along the way, made room for it.
Making accommodations includes you, the cheater and the lover (I like the term one writer uses…the girl fiend).
For an affair to last that long, all the parties have made accommodations allowing it to continue. Whether or not you are aware of consciously making those accommodations, they’ve been made.
It could be that you were out of town, had an illness or were caught up with other activities. Although those were important, the cheater took advantage of it and exploited the situation.
You can blame the lover, or the cheater, which they may or may not deserve, but when it becomes a long-term affair, you have contributed to the continuance of things as well.
That doesn’t mean you caused it or made it happen. For an affair continuing for an extended period of time, room was created for in terms of time and affection.
That means as part of recovery, you’ll have to be non-accommodating. You can call it being inhospitable, being mean, setting boundaries or ‘putting your foot down’.
Whatever you call it, you need to make some changes. The sooner you make them, the better.
You may have thought that you have no power over the situation. The reality is that when things go on this long, you do have some power.
Even if it was merely turning a blind eye or choosing not to say anything, avoiding confrontation or the like, you’ve made room for the affair to continue. Getting ‘over it’ means you’ll have to stop making room for the affair.
The cheater will need to stop making room for it as well. That means no ‘good-byes’, no staying in contact, no messaging if at all possible.
Relationships that go on that long exploit any weakness shown. They’ll play on your sympathies and activate things again.
You’ll have to set boundaries. You’ll have to risk others getting upset, you’ll have to start questioning assumptions that you’ve been making. There’s power in saying ‘no’ or refusing to continue the way things have been going.
If you have to stand in the mirror and practice saying ‘no’, do it. The more you say no the easier it becomes. Being able to say ‘No’ starts with you.
The best negotiations start with someone saying ‘no’. Change in your marriage starts when you begin saying ‘no’ to what’s been going on.
You could choose to do nothing, yet that creates its own problem. The old saying “If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting more of what you’ve gotten.” If you want things different, you’re going to have to do things different.
You have to start holding the cheater accountable. This includes asking them questions that make you or them uncomfortable. Some areas you want to consider are questioning them about their laundry, their hours, the marital finances.
The cheater may have been using your avoidance of painful issues against you. You didn’t want a fight and they used that against you.
What started as you just wanting to get along or ‘keep the peace’ is used against you. The cheater and or the lover may be using your fears of confrontation or shame against you.
The cheater may be counting on you not saying anything since they know you don’t want to ’cause a scene’.
In order to have the long term affair, schedules have to be modified, which often takes communication and coordination over time. You have been part of those modifications.
The cheater may have not have been truthful about what they were doing and with whom they were doing it. You trusted them and they abused it.
They may have lied in order to gain your unwitting accommodation. They will have to answer for their lying.
Perhaps you made yourself unavailable to your spouse. If that is the case, you can start changing that now. Your unavailability does not excuse what the cheater did. They made some bad choices.
Now, it’s time for cleaning things up. In cleaning up the affair, you’ll have to assume responsibility for many things.
Some of those things may be making yourself available, behaving nicer around your spouse, talking to your spouse more, or starting to be more honest rather than being humble.
Although you didn’t have the affair, you still have to clean up your side of the street in improving your marriage.
These are just a few of the dozens of tips and ways of solving thorny problems I talk about in the “Affair Recovery Workshop”. Changes in how the two of you work through issues is needed. The workshop guides you in solving the most common problems that arise.
Access to the important part of the workshop along with the other affair recovery videos is part of what you receive with membership in the Restored Lifestyle community. Join today and find that you’re not alone with your recovery.
Best Regards,
Jeff
26 Responses
Great article . I wish you had more about the long term affair. My husband had a long distant affair for 4 1/2 years on and off. It finally came out and he was great making up for it for 5 months. Begged me to keep him and how sorry he was. After 5 months he stopped all he was doing to fix things and said I need to keep him for who he is and that he paid his dues and should not be on probation anymore. I was beginning to trust him again and now I don’t and feel like I am back at the beginning. What does that mean?
Annie,
Thank you for sharing your situation. 4 1/2 years is a long time for an affair. After having gone through an affair for that long, I am sure that you have plenty of questions. In terms of your question, “What does that mean?” I am not sure what ‘that’ is referring to.
With your husband stating that he “should not be on probation anymore”, it leaves me with the impression that he felt inferior to you in some way.For marriages to flourish, both spouse will need to feel they are both adults. When one spouse assumes a ‘superior’ position and the relationship becomes a one-up/one-down dynamic, it puts a strain on the relationship. When reconciliation is underway, this kind of dynamic happens. When the one-up/one-down dynamic lasts too long, it often leads to power struggles between the two of them. The ‘team’ spirit of working on problems together is damaged. When the team spirit is gone, what is left is competition.
I do not know whether you put in a probation status or he put himself there. At this point, the important matter is getting out of the probation dynamic. After forgiveness and repentance, it is important for the two of you to accept each other and value each other. When the ‘probation mindset’ lasts too long, or a person is kept in an inferior position where they are always having to make trips to the ‘altar of repentance’ it creates problems. Although forgiveness is a process, repentance is not something that you want to keep going like a process.
With you saying that you feel like you are back at the beginning, it makes me wonder if the two of you have moved past the affair. My reason for wondering this is that when a couple feels like they are having the same fight over and over or that they are in a kind of relationship loop, it is a wake-up call for them to do something different. The two of you may be repeating old patterns and old behaviors to the point where it feels like a recycling of old issues. This often requires improving the intimacy between the two of you. I am not talking sexual intimacy, I am talking about opening up and sharing with each other. You may even want to start with how you don’t trust him now and your reasons for that. It sounds he made some headway and effort. Is is possible that he feels discouraged? When people do not have a clear idea of a goal or see change, they get discouraged. You apparently saw some changes. You may also want to let him know what changes you saw and that you like them and would like to see more of that (identify what you saw that you liked, whether it is a behavior, attitude, mood, thoughtfulness, etc.).
Without knowing which specific item you were referring to as ‘that’ it is hard to be clearer. This will give you a place to start talking with him.
Thank You,
Jeff
Thank you for sharing your article, my H affair started when we were separated,we came back together,4 1/2 years ago,it is the same length of his relationship with OW, he claims that it was easy for him continue with this lie, I never saw it coming, he was always at home,the only time he had was when used to tell me that he is going to see his brother or sister , that’s when he see the OW, he claims that never slept with her , only talked and have a few dates. their relationship was on/off .
We are in the process of reconciliation,but is hard to realize,that you lived in a lie for that long. He is remorse and willing to work it out ,he ends contact with OW, but refuses to talk about it , every time when I asked about the past , he gets so defensive, and told me to forget the past ,there’s nothing that we can do to change it,and it hurts him .
Juana,
Thank you for writing and sharing your story. I am glad that you and your husband are working toward reconciliation. Although you can not change the past, it remains with us shaping our attitudes, emotions and thinking. What you feel today in response to what he did is very real. The damage done to the trust in your marriage is very real, whether or not he slept with her. Through his lies, he taught you that he can not be trusted 100%. He probably does not see the consequences of his actions.
The past may hurt him, yet if there is to be hope of a better marriage and more emotional security, it will need attention. Hurts are often clues of issues and matters that need to be dealt with.
Jeff
I just learned my UH has been involved in an affair for NINE years, which UH says was sex every 1-2 years, but “lunch” w/o sex more regularly… he says he “can’t recall” the details).
Although we (or I thought we) were very open/honest about past loves when we first dated 27 years ago (even invited old lovers to our wedding), this one he kept a secret….. waiting 14 years into the marriage (17 years after we met) to begin the sexual relationship.
Basically, I believe he wanted to sleep with her for our entire marriage (he denies)- only waited 14 years before consummating.
I had absolutely no clue – I went to a therapist 10 days after their 1st sexual encounter because he suddenly became so distant (drinking all the time, angry, etc).
I learned when the OW recently contacted me (admitting sexual relationship but lied about timeline, saying they slept together when my husband & I 1st dated and stopped after our child was born, because it was “an ethical thing” for her – but my UH fessed up…. so now I have the double whammy of cheating during 1st part of our romance/marriage [apparently a lie] and the reality of cheating for the past NINE years of our marriage).
my rat bastard husband cheated on all the women he “loved” before me. I was aware, but thought it would stop with “I do”. I’ve never cheated – and whenever propositioned, felt I had to call and tell him because I (of all crazy things) felt guilty.
I cannot put into words how devastating this has been; I don’t feel there is much hope for the marriage. Our children are grown (although one has been raped 2x, suffers from PTSD, has some pretty high level of “man issues” from it, and I fear may be suicidal if she discovers what her beloved “daddy” has been up to – which will be hard to hide considering her dad and I had a “model” marriage – lots of PDA, always considered a “team” in all we do – and we do a lot in our community).
He’s told me that it was never “love” and that he never even considered leaving me for his whore (as confirmed by Ms. whore – who has been sleeping with others while having a serious romantic relationship with ANOTHER married man – but my rat bastard UH didn’t bother to do any checking on this winner of a human being).
I’ve agreed to couples counseling, but don’t find it particularly helpful, at least not yet.
One thing I don’t understand about your post is that I somehow contributed or accommodated this NINE year affair… not sure how that works given I had no idea.
But is there hope for someone that spent his 20s and most of his 30s cheating, then takes a 14 yr haitus only to start up again? He says it was over before whore told me, but I’ve seen texts from a month (to the day) before discovery saying they should get together again in a few weeks (which it appears neither of them acted on). He’s 61 years old – and still acting like he’s 20.
Sharon,
Thank you for writing. I can’t say that I often hear the term “my rat bastard husband.” It’s colorful and descriptive.
Although you stated, “I cannot put into words how devastating this has been;”, your comments paint a vivid portrayal of what happened and what you are experiencing. On reading it, your struggle and devastation came through very strong. When I feel overwhelmed by a letter from someone who is overwhelmed, they have succeeded in putting their experience into words so that someone else catches a glimpse of what they are experiencing.
You made the comment, “One thing I don’t understand about your post is that I somehow contributed or accommodated this NINE year affair… not sure how that works given I had no idea.” Let me point out that at some level, you had some doubts. Consider where you wrote, “my rat bastard husband cheated on all the women he “loved†before me. I was aware, but thought it would stop with “I doâ€.
Your statement makes it sound like you were aware of the ‘risks’ involved given his pattern of cheating. You thought the pattern would stop. He probably gave you assurances he was different, so you never suspected anything. Even when your gut reacted, you may have ignored it by telling yourself “he’s changed”.
Nine years is a long time for a relationship to continue. I suspect you had some concern on an unconscious level, yet that concern was outside of your conscious awareness. Given the many events that have happened (daughters issues), along with community involvement, you were likely distracted and missed signs.
You did notice the distancing, which tells me that you are aware of your relationship. I can see how the discovery of an affair, given the emphasis placed on openness in the early days of your marriage. He was probably honest at that point, yet at some point started keeping secrets. He came to a point where the decision was made to keep something secret rather then bring it up with you. Finding out at what point that was would help the two of you change the relationship patterns.
It is also possible for men to have a hiatus from affairs. Some studies show a higher risk in the years leading to decade markers (e.g. 30, 40, 50). During those times men re-evaluate their lives and purpose. Has the ‘rat bastard’ talked to you about his many needs and what he feels that they are? The lunch episodes says more about his need for companionship and friendship than sexual allure.
It may be helpful to consider talking about ‘relationship blind spots’ in the couples counseling. These would address what your needs are and his needs along with how the two of you can signal each other about meeting those needs.
Regards,
Jeff
How do you heal when he doesn’t remember most of the early years of the afffair because it’s been over 8 years? It was mostly email/phone/text because she lives with her husband 500 miles away but they saw each other 2 or 3 days a year when she would come in to town to have sex with him. When I caught him (saw phone records) six months ago, he immediately stopped the affair saying it was like he got shaken out of a dream and realized what he was doing. She was also starting to press for a future–wanted him to leave me and marry her–she told him she would leave her husband as soon as he left me, so he said that made the affair start to wane and he was relieved to “have a reason to stop it” without making him look like the bad guy–it’s always been about making sure he looks good and doesn’t disappoint. He’s been remorseful and is doing all the work, and we both want our marriage to work. But his memory–he initially thought the affair was 4 or 5 years, but the more he thought about it, he was afraid it had been longer. It took both of us pouring over time sheets and old calendars to figure out the timeline which appears to be over 8 years! How can he not know any of this? he is not sure when or how it began although we believe we traced the beginning back to an email she sent him (neither one of us are sure of when–sometime between 2005 and 2008). How do I heal with all these unknowns? I so very much want to heal and move forward with my marriage. I do love my husband.
Paula,
Thank you for writing. You’ve got quite a situation. In terms of answering your question “How do you heal when he doesn’t remember most of the early years of the afffair because it’s been over 8 years?” It will take forgiveness on your part. Forgiveness is about your own healing. The video on Forgiveness goes into the process and how-to’s behind doing it.
Although you ask the question about your own healing, the focus on your letter is on understanding some aspects of the affair. From the sound of it, you are facing some of the effects of what I call the “Affair fog”. There are several posts on the blog dealing with the topic. If you do a ‘topic search’ you can find them. I also deal with the subject in greater detail in the e-book, “Why He Cheats”. It will help you understand the not remembering phenomena you are encountering. This will help with some of the unknowns.
When in the affair fog, the mind becomes selective with what registers and what doesn’t. The mind has ways of distorting recollection of time and other matters. Your husband my be being honest with you, it could be that his mind is giving him bum information or redacted information.
As the situation heals, many of the holes and gaps will fill in. You may want to consider the question ‘What do I need to know in order to move forward’ rather than insisting on all the information.
Best Regards,
Jeff
My i have been with my husband for almost 4 years, married last october. Last year he became a supervisor at work and he switched to 3rd shift. Since last june (before we were married) he has been having an affair with a woman from work, who now lives like 5min away from work. He has been caught in this affair 3x now. The first time he said he loved her. Each time he says its ending. Each time he says he’s sorry and wants only me and the kids. Each time we are good for maybe 1-3 weeks and then he becomes distant, little conversation, hardly any sex or physical contact besides hugs and kisses for greetings and goodnight. I have people who know where this womans apartment is and continue to inform me, normally with pictures, of when his car is seen there. He is the love of my life, we have kids. We have a family. Most of the family knows its happening, but think im stupid for trying to give it until my 2nd anniversary before contacting a lawyer. Everytime I think about leaving him i puke, but i cry so much because all i can think is that i’m not good enough for him. We were the “it” couple. Even his mother would ask me for relationship advise. We never fought, we were always affectionate. It was like we were perfect. I just want him back, but nothing i have ever done changes it
Depressed in Ohio,
Thank you for writing. I know it took a lot to share what you’re going through. It sounds like your husband has good intentions, but falters in the commitment area. I’m not sure if he continues being seduced, has trouble with impulse control or can’t manage high-risk situations. It sounds like the two of you need a solid Affair Relapse plan in tackling the issues going on.
You reactions show a strong commitment to your marriage. It could be that the two of you need a little help on managing the build-up to the affair and high risk scenarios. Your comments let me know that you are very perceptive in terms of identifying the patterns. That’s important information in reducing the risk of relapse.
Best Regards,
Jeff
My wife and I have been married for 10 years now, but we’ve known each other much longer. However, I recently had to dissolve an issue with her and her co-worker/”aquaintance” and their extra texting habits. I knew that they were communicating and was even introduced to him early on. I never attached myself to him as an aquaintance and didn’t feel threatened by him. Also, letting my wife know of my unacceptance of him. However, events led to me researching just how much communication had been going on. My first data collection resulted in a year and a half of texting mornings, during work, evenings and phone calls(not everyday). On avg. 3-4 times a month. On top of that 15 to 20% of the time IMs through work. Both are adament that all communications consisted of school and work, as both or also not only co-workers, but volunteer on PTO for our children’s school. Upon asking for her phone to review messages she stated she had nothing to hide, but deleted her texts from her phone prior. My guess is due to content or frequencies. She admits it was a mistake to delete them, but out of my anger she hastily deleted them. Her co-worker offered to send screenshots of their communications, upon request. I feel like I shouldn’t have to request them. I continued my research only to uncover that their texting habits date back as early as 2016. This led to us revisiting the situation due to lack of transparencies. This time around she was very defensive, even stating I don’t have to know every time she contacts someone. I was made to feel like I should’ve moved on by now(after a few wks) and that I was a bit crazy for my actions concerning this matter. She’s been to his children’s bday parties and even an outing to an amusement park just them and both families children, without myself or his wife present. She claims he’s not her type and there were no attachments, but a lot of effort was put in on her part, even going as far as doing favors by picking up his children on occasions and not informing me. We have families and couples as mutual friends that we’ve shared many moments with. However, this never happened in this case and I feel like she was ok with it that way. At first alert she immediately ended the relationship and I’m currently monitoring her behaviors since he’s been removed from the pic, so to speak. They work in the same dept. sort of, as he was transferred to a whole other location for going toe to toe with his supervisor. This is also another mystery to me as he is IT support only and really shouldn’t be contacting over work coms unless he’s needed otherwise. My wife was ready to move on almost instantly. I guess the deleting of texts, not being transparent, and her being adament about there being no strings attached has not eased my mind just yet.
Danny,
Thank you for sharing your experience with questionable texts. When relationships grow too close with coworkers, it always produces problems for them and their spouses. On reading through what you shared, I felt like there are definitely some communication and trust issues going on that need attention.
Extra-texting definitely shows a blurring of boundaries. Once boundaries are blurred, it makes matters confused and muddled for all those involved.
My husband and I have been married for over 20 years. We were both flirtatious when we were single/teens. He went out with multiple girls in his teens and was sexually promiscuous. I had two long term relationships in my teens…he being the second.
We got married, bought a house and had two beautiful children. Over the course of 16 years, his focus was providing for the family at the cost for me was being an absentee husband. I was disgruntled and disappointed with the outcome of what I believed marriage should be. And on many occasions, I would tell him I wanted a divorce.
He ended up losing his high status job and we uprooted the family to move. I was embarrassed and angry. He dealt with guilt and shame of losing our future dreams and losing his reputation. I tried to provide emotional support, but after doing that for two years with no change in sight, I became drained and bitter.
I did not feel emotionally supported by him, because of the sacrifice I made to move. I had the expectation that he would see how much I was willing to sacrifice for him. But, I was also dealing with loss. I decided to move back home where I felt supported.
He stayed back for almost a year and felt betrayed by me. Finally after one year, he returned home. Things were even more tense. He began talking with an old female high school friend and low and behold it turned into an affair.
I found out through a friend who spotted them together holding hands. He claimed it was just a friendship, but I called b.s. my oldest found a negligee and he still claimed the affair was not sexual. Again….I called b.s! I come to the point where I know what he is capable of….lying and cheating. I also had an affair during this time after he went to my parents and told them that he no longer loved me.
We were both deceitful. I also became aware of what I was capable of doing.
When my father told me….I was done. We stayed under the same roof until we were ready to tell the kids of our separation. That is when I sought validation from another man. I’m embarrassed and ashamed of what I did to my kids and myself. I did not sleep with this man. I decided to stay in the marriage for the kids, Based on what I’ve seen kids go through when parents split. I also took it as an opportunity to learn how to forgive and grow as an individual.
What bothers me the most is knowing that I don’t know all the details. He lied about ending his affair twice. His affair lasted over a year as far as I know. It’s been three years since, and I sometimes still feel stuck. I try and be grateful for the little things and the upheaval of my family being torn apart and the moments I could have missed out on with my kids if we would have split.
Jackie,
Thank you for sharing what you’ve been through. On reading through it, I kept thinking this is tragic all the way around, with all the hurts and disappointments. I also saw that there are some strengths that have kept the two of you together through some challenging set backs.
Coming back from setbacks and upheavals like you all have been through puts strains on any marriage. Both of you are survivors. Each of you didn’t always make the healthiest choices, yet somehow managed to survive.
Focusing your attention on the details of his affair will redirect your attention to the past. That is one of the reasons for feeling stuck. In order to move forward, it takes a shifting of focus to the future and what the two of you can change.
There’s been hurts all the way around, so dealing with betrayal and forgiveness will be important for each of you. You may never know the whole story of his affair. That means working with the pieces you know rather than straining for what you don’t know. The more you know, the harder things come to forgive.
I hope the two of you can find a way to turn the suffering around and use it as a way of coming together rather than distancing yourselves from each other. There have been many disappointed expectations from each.
It also sounds like you learned a valuable lesson about how seeing someone else doesn’t validate like you thought it would and that it comes with a big price tag.
Best Regards,
Jeff
A few days before Christmas, I found out my husband was having an affair… I received a message meant for her which was clearly sexual in nature and the term of endearment used meant I knew exactly who it was for; his ex wife. When we first met, he was clearing out his home and I saw a pile of cards ready for the bin and could see a couple of words inside as the card was slightly open. The text message contained the same pet name for her that I’d seen all those years ago.
We have been married for 10 years and together for 12. We were both separated from unhappy marriages and going through divorce when we met, moving forwards with our relationship once things were finalised.
My husband’s ex wife was his first real girlfriend and she was unfaithful to him as teenage even before they were married. The pattern was mostly older, married men and more than once wife came to visit to demand an explanation from her causing him much grief and embarrassment over the years. They were married for 17 years so together around 20 or so and in the end, her continual affairs caused him to realise that he must move on from her. Things were so bad that her phone would constantly be receiving messages and she once even brought a boyfriend to the table at Christmas while his parents were present and expected them and her then still husband to accommodate his presence.
All these years later, she is still single with a string of messy affairs and relationships often with multiple men at one time strung along as somehow manages to take these men to the stage of leaving their wives/girlfriends only for the relationships to falter. She lives this life through her phones (she has 3 apparently) and my husband admits that nothing has changed in her behaviour and at times during visits there, she will receive multiple messages and take actual calls; leaving the room/bedroom to chat them in return, tell my husband who has called and where the relationship is up to with this person!
My husband first admitted that he’d been seeing her for two months but I asked to see his work phone and found a missed, hidden message from her dating back 3 years. He then admitted that it was more likely around 6 years… I was completely shocked as I had absolutely no clue. We have an 11 year old daughter (he had no children with her as she never got pregnant whilst in her marriage with him and always insisted on protection) and we have a very close, very happy and full marriage. There are no problems with intimacy in terms of frequency or fun, quite the opposite so I am just reeling from the devastation of this situation.
He has been meeting her either before or after his shifts at work (they both work in the same industry and always have done) and sometimes he says he would go there and they would chat and sometimes they would have sex. She was very forthcoming when they first met apparently then on the honeymoon, she refused to have sex with him and this pattern of reluctance continued throughout their marriage. Now, apparently, she is more than willing to give him what he needs sexually and he admits that he questions her on her ‘affairs’ with all these other men and is clearly jealous.
He says he loves me more than her and had no intention of ever leaving as he doesn’t want to go back to living ‘that same life’ with her and her infidelity – the situation is completely unbelievable and I just don’t know what he is trying to work out.
She also maintains that she doesn’t want him to leave me but still loves him and wants him in her life.
I haven’t confronted her as yet but am beyond devastated or angry, I simply can’t believe that this has been going in or hidden so well for so many years. He is a wonderful man/husband and father; it’s like someone has taken the man I know and left someone here who looks like him but isn’t, I feel so bereaved. I love him with all my heart and can’t imagine life without him and he maintains the same about me and is begging the chance to make things right and get rid of her. How can I begin to trust him after this and after so long?
Having been badly hurt after my last husband physically abused my son which led to him being taken into care, it took much bravery to step into another relationship but my present husband seemed to be so genuine when we met and has been a wonderful soulmate.
He did develop an infatuation with a younger girl at his place if work about 6 years ago too and they exchanged messages, clearly one sided in feeling and I put a stop to that so of course, now realise that this is actually a second betrayal…
What has happened and what do I do? No one would ever believe this as we appear to all as a model couple in both happiness and love. He clearly has unfinished issues with his first wife; can we get through this? Please help.
A few days before Christmas, I found out my husband was having an affair… I received a message meant for her which was clearly sexual in nature and the term of endearment used meant I knew exactly who it was for; his ex wife.
We have been married for 10 years and together for 12. We were both separated from unhappy marriages and going through divorce when we met, moving forwards with our relationship once things were finalised. We both have successful hobbies of our own but my husband has let his slide over the years. He is included in mine and involved wherever possible, I go out perhaps twice a month as part of the hobby at its busiest time of the year but it’s certainly not of that frequency all the time and I am here for my family at all other times.
My husband’s ex wife was his first real girlfriend and she was unfaithful to him as teenage even before they were married. The pattern was mostly older, married men and more than once wife came to visit to demand an explanation from her causing him much grief and embarrassment over the years. They were married for 17 years so together around 20 or so and in the end, her continual affairs caused him to realise that he must move on from her. Things were so bad that her phone would constantly be receiving messages and she once even brought a boyfriend to the table at Christmas while his parents were present and expected them and her then still husband to accommodate his presence.
All these years later, she is still single with a string of messy affairs and relationships often with multiple men at one time strung along as somehow manages to take these men to the stage of leaving their wives/girlfriends only for the relationships to falter. She lives this life through her phones (she has 3 apparently) and my husband admits that nothing has changed in her behaviour and at times during visits there, she will receive multiple messages and take actual calls; leaving the room/bedroom to chat them in return, tell my husband who has called and where the relationship is up to with this person!
My husband first admitted that he’d been seeing her for two months but I asked to see his work phone and found a missed, hidden message from her dating back 3 years. He then admitted that it was more likely around 6 years… I was completely shocked as I had absolutely no clue. We have an 11 year old daughter (he had no children with her as she never got pregnant whilst in her marriage with him and always insisted on protection) and we have a very close, very happy and full marriage. There are no problems with intimacy in terms of frequency or fun, quite the opposite so I am just reeling from the devastation of this situation.
He has been meeting her either before or after his shifts at work (they both work in the same industry and always have done) and sometimes he says he would go there and they would chat and sometimes they would have sex. She was very forthcoming when they first met apparently then on the honeymoon, she refused to have sex with him and this pattern of reluctance continued throughout their marriage. Now, apparently, she is more than willing to give him what he needs sexually and he admits that he questions her on her ‘affairs’ with all these other men and is clearly jealous.
He says he loves me more than her and had no intention of ever leaving as he doesn’t want to go back to living ‘that same life’ with her and her infidelity – the situation is completely unbelievable and I just don’t know what he is trying to work out.
She also maintains that she doesn’t want him to leave me but still loves him and wants him in her life.
I haven’t confronted her as yet but am beyond devastated or angry, I simply can’t believe that this has been going in or hidden so well for so many years. He is a wonderful man/husband and father; it’s like someone has taken the man I know and left someone here who looks like him but isn’t, I feel so bereaved. I love him with all my heart and can’t imagine life without him and he maintains the same about me and is begging the chance to make things right and get rid of her. How can I begin to trust him after this and after so long?
Having been badly hurt after my last husband physically abused my son which led to him being taken into care, it took much bravery to step into another relationship but my present husband seemed to be so genuine when we met and has been a wonderful soulmate.
He did develop an infatuation with a younger girl at his place if work about 6 years ago too and they exchanged messages, clearly one sided in feeling and I put a stop to that so of course, now realise that this is actually a second betrayal…
What has happened and what do I do? No one would ever believe this as we appear to all as a model couple in both happiness and love. He clearly has unfinished issues with his first wife; can we get through this? Please help.
Sophia,
Thank you for writing. The delay in responding is due to me being out of town.
At times, I had to take a break in reading through what you shared wondering about your husband going back to his ex along with the many issues in her life.
You asked the question, “What has happened and what do I do?”
First, although they may have divorced, she has not fully let go. She uses sex as a way of maintaining control over him. Using sex, being his ex along with his first real girl friend is a powerful combination. She has managed activating part of his brain in a powerful way.
From what you shared, his ex sounds like someone with a love or sex addiction. In many ways your husband is her fall back plan. He’s being used and she’s using old memories as a way to keep him on the hook.
It’s likely that he loves you as he states. The sexual bonding the ex has with him is competing with his love.
In terms of dealing with the situation, you and he will have to address his fantasy life. Interventions are needed at several levels. As long as his fantasy life is triggered, especially concerning his ex, there will be problems. She has managed getting a stronghold in his head that needs to be rooted out.
The two of you also need some of the affair recovery materials in working through the damage done and ways of repairing it.
Jeff
I know this is probably not the best place to post this but I am struggling to get a grip and need some advice.
I have been in an affair for almost 5 years. My AP is married with 3 children and I am also married with 2 children of my own.
We met at work about 5 years ago and at first it was very casual. After about 2 years and a job loss (his) it became more serious. We fell in love and promised to see each other every week and meet for sex every other week. We talked every day all day for the last 2 years and about a year ago we decided to work towards divorcing our spouses and being together. We both entered counseling with our respective spouses as to work towards separation and co parenting conversations. After a few months, my husband and I were able to work through a plan for me to move out and when to the tell the kids. He seemed to be stalling and not making a lot of headway with his wife. He kept telling me that his wife is just way less mature than my husband and she is in denial about their marriage.
About 3 weeks ago I hit my limit and told him something had to change. He needed to tell her what he wanted because the strategy he is using is not working. Well, he didn’t tell her the truth about our affair but he did tell her he wanted a divorce. Well, on NYE she caught him texting me and by the next morning at 9am he is telling me to not contact him and he wants to try for his kids and family. He blocked my number and deleted all social media. I feel so lost.
We talked all day every day for 2 years. He sends me pictures of his kids when they take trips or on holidays. He sends me pics of himself and has been going to therapy and talking about me to his therapist. He even talked about wanting to have a baby with me when we are together.
He told me that he told his wife and he was done. How can he go from telling me he wants to marry me and sending me pics of his kids on Monday to cutting off all communication two days later?
I’m so hurt and I feel like he was playing a fucked up game the last 5 years.
I don’t think he was 100% honest with his wife about the depth of our relationship. I means we shared all of our finances. I knew how much his mortgage was and how much his car payment was.
I am supposed to move out in June when my kids are out of school and I just feel so pissed that I focused so much of my time on my relationship with him only to end up without him.
What should I do?
Dear Broken,
Thank you for sharing your story. It took some courage in sharing that. In reading your comment, I understand why you chose the name ‘broken’.
It’s not fair how you laid everything on the line and your AP has not done so. Anytime there is inequality like that, there is disappointment, hurt and anger. He doesn’t emotionally grasp what is involved when a wife leaves a home and family. It’s a TREMENDOUS sacrifice. You gave your all, he only gave what was comfortable.
Your description of the situation portrays him as torn between you and his wife. He apparently talks a good game, but is weak on follow through. He shared his intentions with you. You bought into the shared dream the two of you constructed and he didn’t do his part.
This is one of the dangers of affairs that I haven’t talked about much. That danger is that in a majority of situations, the male cheater doesn’t end up marrying their AP. Although it gives hope to the betrayed spouse, it doesn’t bode well for the AP in a majority of situations.
Anytime I’ve posted material of importance for the AP, , even if it’s just trying to consider their struggles, readers have strong reactions. With affairs, everyone has ‘skin in the game’ and has to be considered. Affairs often involve unmet needs which reveals much about the people and their marriage.
I welcome hearing from you again. If you want to contact me privately, at Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com , feel free to do so.
Best Regards,
Jeff
I found out this past New Year’s day that my Husband and partner of 17 years was having a nearly 2 year affair with his co-worker. I came across their text messages by accident when turning off an alarm on his phone. Their messages included “I love you’s” and future plana together. They also were having unprotected sex (they got tested beforehand).
Since everything came out, all parties have gotten tested. He’s never done anything like this in the past and has been so good to me before this point I can recall the change in his personality towards me when this started. He started drinking around the same time as the affair(No past problems with alcohol either).
Since I’ve confronted him, he hasn’t stopped apologizing and seems remorseful. He sent her a text apologizing for everything that happened between them and for lying to her. He said that he was never going to leave his family and he loves his wife.
His “excuse” is that he felt like he was failing me as a husband and he was stressed out and overwhelmed with two jobs and it was just an escape.
He stopped drinking and is seeing a therapist. He also took a couple of weeks off work to look for a different job since they work together. He blocked her number. He told me when she’s stop by his office and what words were exchanged.
We are now both in individual counseling and trying to repair our marriage. I’m having a tough time getting over it. We have one child.
Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing your story. Getting over a long term affair is grueling and filled with moments of discouragement.
His stopping drinking is a good start. Now he needs to learn how to live sober and accept life on life’s terms, which is one of the things people often run from. It encourages me that he is taking steps to include you in what is going on and taking place with the OW (Other Woman).
There will be testing going on for a while as each of you test things out to see if it’s safe or if each other are being ‘real’. In terms of remorse, I look for changes in thinking and behavior. Genuine repentance includes both.
Keep me posted on what you do in terms of what worked, helped or what didn’t work.
Best Regards,
Jeff
I learned 2 1/2 years ago, my husband of 31 years now, was intermittently with a woman for 12 years, she is 20 years younger than him. There were 3 other very short term affairs also – all “Lunch dates” and car sex. No hotels, dinner dates, gift giving – all car sex at the age of 40 & 50’s. They would also meet during evening hours following his soccer games. When I was away, they would meet evenings and again in the car for sex. She is a mother of 2, and we have 3 children. My family is so important to me.
My husband has a history of cheating prior to our marriage, and like the writer above, I thought I was the one when he committed to me, it would change.
He is an only child, always has been self centered. During marriage counseling, he learned these traits are narcissistic, cruel and arrogant. We continue to work on our marriage, and I do believe he has been faithful since D Day. I have forgiven myself for being the naive resilient girl, and I have also fallen in love with her. I have never loved myself, nor was I taught to love myself growing up. My family is important, few friends think I am crazy to stay, betrayal trauma transformation, counseling, and self growth have helped. I struggle with shame fir staying, and I am not sure I will ever truly love him again. My struggle is “12 years”, how can an affair last that long when he said she was just cheap sex he could get.
Anonymous,
Thank you for writing. Staying is not always an easy choice nor is it one that everyone will understand or agree with. There are always people that will be glad to run your life if you let them.
I’m not sure where the shame for staying with him is coming from. Is it from you, others or something else? You and he both made the choice and the commitment of staying in your marriage.
Learning to love yourself is a good step. Recognizing that you are lovable and have worth is always a good thing. You’re way ahead of many others with those realizations.
You asked “How can an affair last that long when he said she was just cheap sex he could get?” There could be several things at work. The narcissistic tendencies put him in a position where he things of himself and his needs first. He may have kept her around for a ‘back-up’. Given your description of what happened, it sounds like it was a relationship based on sexual gratification without commitments or strings. There’s likely some pieces of the puzzle I’m missing which would help me give you a more specific response.
The sex without commitments or strings may have been what both of them wanted. I don’t see it as healthy or positive. Even in using the term ‘cheap sex’, there’s the message that it had few strings and commitments. The description is almost that of recreational sex episodes, which with him being an athlete, may be his view of what happened.
With him being faithful since DDay, it puts you in a better position with a brighter future ahead. Let him know how it left you feeling, then the two of you work on making your marriage better.
Jeff
I certainly didn’t ‘enable’ or “turn a blind eye ” to my partner’s long term affair.
28 years ago, he began an affair that I knew nothing about. Not a hint. Nothing. The affair went on for 17 years! He told me all those years ago that he was impotent. I tried to talk about this regularly during and after this time but loved him enough not to want to cause him any distress over it. I was totally in love with this man who now feels like a stranger to me. The truth came out three years ago, when I caught him in yet another affair which this time, was an emotional one. I was completely blindsided and devastated. I couldn’t remember one day in all those years that I wasn’t in love with him. At the time of the E.A. He was aged 73!
The “sex only” affair that lasted all those years, with hindsight, was rubbed in my face in it’s early days when his lover must have thought it would be amusing if she befriended me ( She was a neighbour and would wait until I’d gone to work to come to my home where they had sex)
This callous woman used to always sit beside him on the settee when she visited and leaned on his shoulder while she played with his hair, and he LET HER. She was the cause of many arguments but I will didn’t suspect that my “shy with women” partner would ever actually cheat on me.
Now, after living like a nun for all those years, the irony is, he now IS genuinely impotent.
There are many reasons why I can’t leave but the one that keeps me here most of all is he is now terminally ill. He has changed in so many ways but I still find it impossible to forgive him. I suffer from PTSD and severe depression and I fully believe that he’s a text book example of a dismissive/fearful avoidant. A man that I’ll never be able to get close to.
Why did I not see ANY of these things before they all came out. I suspected nothing even though he cheated on me for 28 of our 31 years together. My whole world has been turned on it’s head, I don’t know who he is and I can’t recognise who I am anymore.
My life is no longer worth living but I’m stuck with it.
I’m living my worst nightmare and I can’t wake up.
Jay from England,
Thank you for writing. What happened to you is terrible in many ways. It’s now wonder that you suffer from PTSD along with a mixture of feelings. Making a discovery like you did turns things topsy-turvy. I understand how it takes the joy out of things and takes you from ‘being alive’ to just existing.
Given the circumstances, it’s understandable how you were blindsided. He never opened up with you in a way where you could have clearly known what was going on.
It certainly sounds like there are some avoidant behaviors going on. There’s mixed messages about how he stayed married to you, yet not fully committed. His reports of impotence are puzzling as to whether it was his way of avoiding intimacy or his being worn out from being with other women or just plain old guilt.
When a spouse avoids intimacy like that it can leave you feeling like something is wrong with you. The problem lies with the one avoiding intimacy rather than something being wrong with you. It sounds like you are still beating yourself up with questions like “Why did I not see ANY of these things before they all came out.”
Focusing on that why will keep you stuck in the past. It would be more helpful to focus on the future and consider “How can I make the best of this?” or “What can I do to make things better?” type of questions.
Jeff
Although I don’t know the exact way out of such a nightmare, I know that whatever way you take, the journey is taken one step at a time. I know when I focus on “what is the next step I need to take” it removes pressures and anxieties about my situation and getting past it. In focusing on that next step it shifts my focus and makes what seems an impossible task more manageable.