A reader wanted to know “how to break up her husband’s affair”.
On reading the question, my mind immediately thought of the 1975 Paul Simon song, “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” In a similar manner, there are many ways of breaking up an affair. Before getting into specific things to do, there is a question you have to consider. That question is, “What is your view of marriage?”
Your view of marriage determines which options are open to you. If you view marriage as a ‘contract’ between two adults, then you may need to consider options that keep the two of you on good terms while alienating your husband and his lover.
If, on the other hand, you view marriage as a covenant, there are more options. In this case, he belongs to you and you belong to him. Since he belongs to you, you are entitled to protect what is ‘rightfully yours’. That entitlement allows more options when it comes to affairs. You can just go get him, since he belongs to you.
The problem is that the legal system often limits how far you can legally go in getting your husband back. Courts and judges often frown on extreme interventions. They may be needed, but use caution before taking action. Knowing the mindset of the local judges and how the community views marriage can help you with choosing interventions that will not raise too many eyebrows.
Before doing any intervention, pray about it. You will need the right attitude. The wrong attitude can pollute the best intervention.
Begging and pleading for them to return to you will not convey a position of strength. You may get them back, but this kind of intervention puts you in a weak position once they come back.
Since it is your husband, you can call them or text them anytime you wish. You can also use your relationships with in-laws and friends to your advantage.
In terms of interventions, you can either attract them to you, push them away from the lover or neutralize the relationship with the lover.
When attracting them to you, I often caution against dressing sleazy in public. This can give the wrong message and start training your husband to respond to sleaze, not you. In getting them back, you want them interested in you as a person.
Instead of sleaze, you may want to consider charm or thoughtfulness. Even simple cleanliness often goes a long way of making yourself more attractive. If you are not doing the basics of daily bathing, dental hygiene and self-care and dressing attractive, you need to start there. It will be hard for a man to get motivated to come back to a wife who is not taking good care of herself.
There are times that the simple things like bathing, brushing your teeth and taking care of your hair can accomplish a great deal. If the image that he takes with him is one of you at your worst, you have already capitulated to an unseen enemy.
You know your husband better than anyone else. Use that to your advantage. You know what he has difficulty resisting, and how to talk to him in a way no one else can. You also know how to handle his ego. Although it may appear strong to others, it is often the point of vulnerability when it comes to family. You have a way to his heart that no other woman has.
When you consider interventions that push away, the danger is that if you push too hard, he may start wanting to protect the lover from his ‘big, bad wife’. For this reason, you will want to proceed with caution. Ideally if you can make the lover the big, bad person who has it in for you in terms of micro-aggressions, it can be useful.
Instead of attacking the lover directly , make it a point of letting your husband know how you feel when he is spending time with her. Keep this to the emotions that you experience (e.g. When you are with Shelly, I feel unwanted and unattractive. I feel like a leper who everyone runs away from in fear, turning their heads away and hiding their children from me. It is like an emotional quarantine. When everyone runs away like that I feel lonely. It feels like everybody has left the building with me along inside, crying.)
When it comes to getting your husband back, you may have to consider underhanded methods as well. Spreading rumors and planting false information. You lead them to believe something is true that is not. This is very similar to “gas lighting“. Only in this case, you are not getting your spouse to doubt their orientation, just to doubt that the lover is the wonderful person they assume them to be.
Planting false or misleading information may include false medical or health information, false financial information, or embarrassing information. Remember the goal is to ‘get your husband back’, not to play nice or get along. The more facts you can include with the misinformation, the more believable it will be.
When it comes to threats, you have to be willing to do what you say you will. When you do not make good on your threat, you loose face, which is important in the process of getting your husband back.
When the goal is to get your husband back rather than get everyone to like you or be nice to you, things will go much smoother.
When you realize what the goal is, you will not get so caught up in the day to day niceties. You are not out to make the lover your friend. On the contrary you are out to create alienation.
Do not try to dress like and act like the lover. You want to send the message that you are different than her. When you look, act and think like her, your husband is only choosing between different versions of a women, not choosing between two different women.
This will give you some places to start in your journey at getting your husband back.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
