There are lovers out there who find married spouses highly attractive. They may even find your spouse attractive. When these lovers are ‘on the prowl’, they often seek out playmates who will meet their needs. It is not always the cheater that is ‘on the prowl’ for action.
What you may need to understand about these lovers is that they find married spouses attractive not based on their sexiness, or physical attractiveness. They are not looking at playmates through the eyes of someone who is single and looking for a spouse. They do not want a serious relationship. They do not want a commitment. Part of the attraction is that they can have affection and sex without commitment.
You may call them “homewreckers“, yet you may be mistaken. These lovers are not out to poach your spouse from you. They want the cheater to stay married. That is part of the allure of the cheater. The more committed the cheater is to the marriage, the more secure they feel in their special relationship.
These lovers are looking for a temporary relationship. When they are looking for someone they can hook up with for a few nights, your spouse may be exactly what they are looking for. They may not want to steal them from you, they just want to share the cheater with you for a few weeks or months.
What this means is that they are looking at your spouse through a different lens than you may have assumed. Since Hollywood wants to convey affairs as ‘cool’ and something that the attractive people do, they use actors that convey that idea. They often hype the physical attractiveness of people, when in reality what attracts is the ‘temporariness’ of the relationship.
The unavailability is what attracts these lovers like bees to honey. It is not the sexiness or their good looks. When you understand how these lovers look at the situation, you can better prepare yourself for dealing with it when it happens to you. You may have assumed that few people would find your spouse attractive or be looking for them, and you would be mistaken.
Affairs are not something that only happens to the beautiful people or rich people. When you realize that how your spouse looks through the eyes of a lover looking for a temporary hook-up, then you can start understanding the threat and how to deal with it. If you do not understand this, you may be fixing the wrong problem and reacting to the wrong threat.
Who is this threat? An inordinate number of these kinds of lovers are among the recently divorced. This population is particularly vulnerable to the lure of temporary relationships. They may not even want your spouse for any kind of long term commitment. They only need them like training wheels (or stabilizers for those of you in the UK) until they upright themselves.
This means that if you want to understand “Why?” the lover is attracted to your spouse, it may not be physical or sexual at all. The attraction may be in their unavailability.
Let me illustrate this with the story of Tracie.
Tracie who was single, was in love with a married man. Tracie was a natural born caretaker. She had many wonderful qualities, but did not want all the hassles and pain that comes with committed relationships and dating. For her, a relationship with a married man was a way to avoid hassles and pains.
In married men, she could have her sexual playtime with men who enjoyed it as much as she did, but wanted to keep secrets as much as she did. The secrecy added to the excitement of their time together. The shared desire of both of them to keep it secret and discreet made it a match they could both live with. For her lover, the more secret things could be kept, the better.
The married men she enjoyed most were those who were established and financially secure. They were less likely to leave their wives. She could enjoy the relationship and perks that came with money without fears of marriage proposals or getting serious. She could keep the relationship at arms length.
She did not want commitments. She was actually scared of commitments. Married men were a way for her to have fun without the threat of commitments. For this reason, she looked at men and relationships through different eyes than others did. She was looking for a different kind of relationship, so what attracted her was different as well.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
3 Responses
This is true…The deception involved with what motivates people to take up the time , energy and resources of a married person is mainly aimed at the destruction of society from the spiritual standpoint. Few if any people involving themselves with poaching or as this post states just sampling what others have realize or care about spiritual matters.
It does come into the mix as to the ability of the married person to offer financial benefits though. Unless an unattached woman is financially over abundantly fixed the financial ‘perks’ seem to come into play as well.
The OW who inserted herself in to our lives was doing quite well financially. I think in many ways , even as she stated that she was not interested in marriage she was interested in siphoning off large quantities of income….through the relationship and through getting my husband to hire her eventually …thus all of what income he was not able to keep due to the way the company worked these things out …he could give to her in a form of a ‘bonus’!
I am sure the thrill of taking from me and our children was also a big perk for her. She urged him and then guilted him into giving her children since she had kept her part of the ‘bargain’ for a number of years , keeping the secret…and thus she has now had many years of income due the children …She herself is not interested in actually mothering them. My husband is bitter against her for many reasons …one being the obvious ploy she had worked in getting children from a married man and thus trapping him financially for 18 years or more.
This has been quite lucrative for her and damaging to the children she has but will not invest her time or energy in truly raising them and being there for them despite the fact she does not work!
This has called for my husband to leave our home to ‘be there’ for the children because she is not …all part of her plan which worked his sense of what is ‘right’ …and thus we are all cast aside because the children are young and ‘need’ him.
It is a mess and now the oldest is beginning to demonstrate problems…no big surprise…sadly.
They do not want to do what is proper order which God put in place for provision, protection and training of a character which will not go out and become the same depth of willing destruction as the parents….These are blind and leading the blind in to the same or worse ditch as time goes by.
I pray for them all …even as I am commanded to do…but each person must respond to the Lord personally …so nothing so far I have tried to share with my husband for YEARS has made any impact ..even as he knew what was true and right by his own knowledge of scripture….and she once heard from me in our home …but it bounced right off …
Active in sin causes blindness , deadened conscience…and willful rebellion which the scriptures tell us is ‘as the sin of witchcraft’ ….it is a trap…and only the mercy and grace of God RECEIVED with meekness…will deliver those who go that way.
Jas 4:6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.
Psa 9:16 The LORD is known by the judgment which he executeth: the wicked is snared in the work of his OWN hands. Higgaion. Selah
Psa 10:3 For the wicked boasteth of his heart’s desire, and blesseth the covetous, whom the LORD abhorreth.
Psa 10:4 The wicked, through the pride of his countenance, will not seek after God: God is not in all his thoughts.
Zaza,
It is always good hearing from you. Income is always a powerful motivator. It is not always the motivator, but it definitely adds fuel to the fire. Revenge is also a big motivator.
Many cheaters are sensitive to guilt, as odd as that seems. When they depart from the ‘ways of righteousness’, they are vulnerable to the ways of ‘fairness’. When in the clutches of the ways of fairness, they often operate as if there were a giant balance in their lives. They often feel like they have to ‘balance’ things out, in order to …make things fair (or right). This is not doing the right thing in terms of righteousness, but instead, the fair thing. When the lover gets them on the hook for ‘fairness’ they often take them for all they can. Guilt is used for leverage in squeezing more and more out of them. This is a perfect illustration of what you mention with Psalm 9:16a “The LORD is known by the judgment which he executeth: the wicked is snared in the work of his OWN hands.” The fairness that they operate under is often their own variation of it. God often times allows them to experience a taste of their own medicine.
Sooner or later they will…it seems even a disastrous consequence of their “fairness ” is only one sided in favor of the adulterers….but not when eternity is a factor in which case they are in grave danger as they seem to live unscathed …meanwhile we the family of the vows are being given more and more reason to submit to and hope in the Lord as our only refuge a d champion
That’s not to say the Lord is not worthy or able but those who abandon their God ordained jurisdiction which a husband requested responsibility for upon the marriage vows is the only earthly husband to do for his wife what a husband is supposed to do…and even that is for his own good
People have been so ripped off by thinking the deceitful trends of today are somehow a better deal
Deception abounds ….just as Jesus said it would more and more in the end of the adage of Grace….even in the church
To think of the eternal destiny of those who disregard the goodness and patience of our God is motive to obey the command to pray for our enemies and those who persecute us…forgive but do not trust them
Trust must now be earned
So far my husband is not a ailing himself to even learn what that would take…I think he thinks it’s just not worth the effort..life is good for him….or at least “good enough”
Thee OW has everything and then some of what she was aiming for
I shudder to think of what may be down the road as those children grow to understand more about what their parents did but then again on this day and culture they may not believe it was wrong
They certainly have not been privy to the damage to our lives and ongoing
“Life is grand” for the ungodly…for a season.