As strange as it sounds, some cheaters have affairs as a way of ‘avoiding’ their spouse. Did I say, ‘avoiding?’, Yes, I did. The cheater who complains that their spouse avoids them may use that as an excuse to have and affair that ends up being used in avoiding their spouse.
Marriages where this occurs are often filled with anger. The anger may have began in their childhood or during the teen years. Like a traveling tourist, they bring the baggage of their anger with them wherever they go, including your marriage.
Anger is toxic in large doses. When you bring anger into your marriage from childhood, it makes for a volatile relationship. The two of you may passionately love each other, yet the anger is a major issue in your marriage.
When anger is prevalent, it changes the dynamics of the whole home. The home is not a safe place. Since there is always the risk of angry outbursts, many topics are either avoided or glossed over in order to avoid the anger.
When topics are avoided, the emotional needs of each of you suffers. Needs are not dealt with, since they may trigger an angry outburst.
In order to cope with this situation, the couple often learn to keep many things secret. “What they do not know won’t hurt them” is often the guiding principle in these marriages. “What they don’t know, they can’t get angry about!” is another guiding principle.
When the avoidance dynamic becomes part of your marriage, the two of you soon learn ways of adjusting to that avoidance. You learn how to use it to your advantage. An angry person is often vulnerable to angry outburst from another angry person.
Things will eventually come up that you can not avoid. When that happens, efforts are made at controlling the situation and each other. Over time wives often learn ways of fine tuning any controlling tendencies they may have from their husbands.
This sets up a real merry-go-round when the wife gives the husband some of his own medicine in the form of using his own control games against him.
Husbands who have controlling wives also learn from them. What they can’t avoid, they control.
The tendency of each spouse to use control mechanisms on each other makes for instability. There is plenty of passion, but not much stability.
There is often so much passion, it spills over into marital violence. There are often many emotions attached to the violent episodes to the point where both spouses prefer avoidance as a way of coping.
When affairs come to such couples, it amounts to ‘taking things to the next level’. The affair is often used as a way of controlling the situation and avoiding many of the issues.
Both spouses start a strange dance around the affair. The lover in such situations is nothing more than a tool used by one spouse against the other.
What gets strange is when both spouses use the affair as a way of avoiding issues within their marriage and persons. The affair becomes a scape goat for all the problems, poor communication and other issues between them.
Understanding what happens in such marriages is the first step to changing things.
A great next step is the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” which guides you through the journey of learning to trust each other again.
Best Regards,
Jeff
