One of the sensitive topics when it comes to affairs is STD testing. When you discover the affair, std testing can turn into a power struggle.
Since many of you are either busy or have few friends, who is going to share this kind of information you need with you. I want to help you through the challenges you are currently facing, even the tough questions and situations.
Demand that the cheater be tested, even if you only suspect an affair. Gambling on whether or not to demand testing on if they slept with them or not is risky.
Putting yourself in that situation often leads to arguments about what constitutes sex. These days STD are spread through multiple channels.
Putting yourself in that situation often leads to arguments about what constitutes sex. These days STD are spread through multiple channels.
When you demand the cheater be tested, you’ll get reactions.
You’ll likely hear the response, “but we didn’t do anything!” Whether or not the cheater did anything, insisting they get tested is always a good idea. Getting yourself tested if you suspect an affair is also a good idea.
This is especially true if the cheater also has a sexual addiction.
Much like the old shampoo directions of “wash, lather, rinse, repeat“, the cheater needs to “Test, share, and repeat” as long as needed.
If you stop with just demanding they get tested, you aren’t going far enough. Besides demanding the test, you need them to share the results with you along with demanding retesting every six months, until you are sure the affair is long gone.
Bear in mind, some STD’s don’t show up right away, which is why you want the re-testing. The testing protects you and them.
Although the cheater may complain that you aren’t trusting them, getting tested and sharing the results is a another way they can start rebuilding trust. It’s not about distrusting them. It’s a matter of trusting results rather than promises and empty words.
One STD can mess you up bad. Bear in mind, some STD’s are lifelong infections. You aren’t over reacting by demanding testing before allowing your spouse back into bed.
Getting help is the next step. The “Affair Recovery Workshop” is an option that provides you with the know-how in dealing with recovery from the affair and the changes it brings.
Making the demands about testing is one of the ways of taking care of yourself, which is what the first section of the workshop addresses.
Best Regards,
Jeff
P.S. Don’t forget to protect yourself until you see the ‘official test results’.
4 Responses
Hi Jeff…
I suffered symptoms of the STD for years in our marriage which coincidentally coincided with the same years my husband was being unfaithful . I had even visited a doctor to see if she could identify what the problem was.
Without a blood test the swabbing method didn’t reveal the problem so I went for years with being unwell and in pain without any diagnosis
Meanwhile I trusted my husband as he always had a way to appear to be without evidence of infidelity. he was a good liar and always had been giving the sense he was accountable for time away from our home .
I aways thought he had too much self respect to risk damage to his reputation and integrity
I also thought he wouldn’t risk hurting me and our family with self indulgence in the areas required to be an adulterer.
In stead of being suspicious I was feeling guilty for being ill so often and in pain as areas of my body were not “available” for sex.
It was the perfect condition for him to have “excuses ” if he wanted to cheat and I was apologizing to him for the lack of sexual activity …he always said “it’s OK”….-and I started to wonder if he had become a homosexual since I couldn’t imagine he would be unfaithful …if not for me …for his own self esteem!!
Well after D day when I discovered the photos of the children he had with the OW I had to get a blood panel for STDs and discovered my suffering had an identifying , treatable , but not curable STD!
His corporate executive life and our many relocations provided so many ways to camouflage his secret life!
In his business he was required to have a physical each year which included tests for STDs he SAID….but how specific thoses tests where is unknown to me
Also I had asked him about why the plague of HIV didn’t deter him and his answer was that it wasn’t a thing back then…that is untrue …if anything the time span wherein he was unfaithful was at the height of the aids scare.
He said his tests for work always came back without any evidence of an STD
When I got tested after my discovery of His years long adultery with the OW ( as well as his bicoastal others ) I was informed that the tests had to specify what we were looking for
Also it seems men often don’t have symptoms
When I called him to come over to tell him and let him know he should contact every woman he had had sec with it seems I will never know if he actually did
His known adulterous activitiy with the OW who insisted upon having the two children with him may or may not know of this disease….she may or may not have been the one to pass it along to him
I had had no reason after marriage to suspect what I was experiencing was an STD as I was faithful and was homeschooling our children I order to train them up with the study of the Bible as well as all of the other subject matter necessary for them to excel…which they have thankfully .
My husband had not significant justification to live immorally other than he rejected the way God as instructed those who are saved to stay in study of the Word and rightly divide it to gain understanding of how to protect their faith and grow in understanding of how life in this lifespan on earth can be and is to be lived with enjoying what we have and avoiding harm by sinful choices to ourselves and others
The life long STD is only one of the consequences I deal with as h had moved out and on to continue his self serving life without seeming to be concerned with the damage done to me and actually our adult daughters who are dealing with much in terms of relationship losses both with him and any hope of sorting out what might be a trustworthy man for marriage
Today deciet has become an art among many who have no “tells” to the degree even his own family of origin have no idea of the kind of man he is….if they do I wouldn’t know since I have not told any of them ….I haven’t had contact with them …in hopes he himself would make some move toward coming clean
Being cut off effectively from most of those who might have been supportive …of not ….we move on.
Spending time healing and becoming more and more informed about all things having to do with life and godliness as I research the Bible and learn how right dividing explains a lot about the way this dispensation of the mystery revealed to Paul the apostle differs from the gospel to Israel which does have distinct differences
Personal study over time has been much more useful to understand the ways false teachings popular in many churches today has also contributed to the downfall of our society and among those who claim to be saved but don’t read their bibles themselves and are prey to deceitful doctrines
As you have exhorted here…people who have been cheated on and don’t know it still may need to get a blood test for specific STDs since it can go undiagnosed for years if you trust your spouse and don’t make the connections between your symptoms and these painful conditions
Zaza,
My heart goes out to you. Being ill and thinking things are wrong with you when it was the cheater who infected you with STD is tragic. This takes the whole idea of a self-serving crisis to unimaginable proportions. What you describe is …hard to wrap my head around. I can’t even begin to fathom the depth of betrayal on such a level. It’s like he allowed to to wallow in mire that he created and put you in. You were allowed to continue suffering in the mess created by his lies.
I understand more about your reliance on our Lord and his promises about how he takes us out of the miry clay and puts us on a firm foundation. You need that physically and emotionally. False teachings of ‘you just need to _________ more or __________ more ‘ would not give you the kind of foundation you needed.
It’s not just an affair in your case, its your health at risk and your family being torn apart along with the shock of having more mouths to feed. All this and the lies just keep on coming.
Thank you for sharing what you have. It will still take me a while to comprehend what you’ve gone through. It takes a while for things to sink in.
Best Regards,
Jeff
Oh and another thing which I feel worth mentioning….one of the damages my daughters deal with is that after my husband moved out to ” give himself time to think” we still believed he was actually doing so
He told us he was not interested in the OW who he had the two chickens with anymore
Unfortunately we got fooled again as one day a few months after that we drive through town and stopped at a red light at the intersection where he would be turning into the place he lived in….and we were stoped at the light right next to his truck in that turning lane…..we had noticed as we drove up from behind him another person was in the seat beside him .
We thought it might have been one of the kids he might have been taking to his place for a visit and we looked over to see who it might be since we hadn’t met them but seen photos of them ….and I had also known the OW from back before I knew they were committing adultery ….
The woman sitting next to him was no one we had any awareness of …my daughters and I were shocked again and demoralized
When he finally texted back answers to my questions it turns out he had been dating that woman for months ! ” because he wanted someone to “talk ” to!!!
He also divulged that he needed to have a “conversation ” with her because she thought he was divorced!!
You know we are STILL married even now …making it 37 years and counting !
So he is still out there involving himself with women who now don’t know he is married ….at least not until he has caused them to become emotionally tied to him….AND it’s doubtful he has been transparent with them about the STD he carries
So this is yet another reason our daughters have trouble even thinking they can trust any man either in or out of the faith community
My husband has done so much to demonstrate that you can think you are involved for many years with what appears to be a sincere upright man and be disceived and used without any idea
Today’s world is sadly a proverb in actual reality of what Gods Word warns when the Bible is no longer thought to be the infallible and preserved God Breathed Word….people believe lies that serve their own fleshly purposes and are distorted even as they are willing to distroy others
Thank you Jeff…..I know what you mean ….it’s so extreme that it’s difficult to even try to relate to anyone and one of the sad things is that I found in the beginning of needing to find some kind of comfort was people didn’t seem surprised !
I confided at first with random strangers …a weird thing since I didn’t want to ruin my husband’s chances to recover himself and stratighten out his life among his friends and family
I wanted to give him the opportunity to rise up and retain some kind of dignity in owning his behavior and then start to recover himsf but it hasn’t happened yet now almost 12 years out
In fact I am still discovering his continued hiding information even though I am not seeking out info like a stalker
We all still are dependent upon his providing for us ….another weird aspect of our own recovery process
The normalization of sin has been ongoing as more and more unthinkable things are now demanding acceptance and even encouragement ….sin indeed is leavening and puffs up
As I enter the elderly years I am still pretty health despite the STD but it does have a way of hindering some things sometimes ….as the immunity does become less and less there is the need for my daughters to recover but trust has been severely damaged as far as their engaging with others and men in particular
I know if they are continuing In the Word they will be fine yet that also is a growing process in the walk
Salvation is complete and finished but learning to walk with wisdom and circumspectly does take time
This is the world we live in today
How we need to remain faithful for safety sake