One of touchy topics that comes up with affairs is handling conversations with the lover. When you discover the affair, one of the temptations you’ll face is contacting the lover.
I consider this a touchy topic in that one answer doesn’t fit all affair situations. As a general rule, I typically discourage conversations with the lover. I have seen some situation where it helped, yet most of the times, it brings more damage than healing.
First, if you’re going into with the expectation that a reasoned talk between adults will resolve things, you’ll be disappointed. Since the affair has not been a reasoned choice, it’s unrealistic thinking that something you say will suddenly make it reasonable.
The relationship has been driven by passion, not reason.
If you go into it with the expectation that you’ll just give them a piece of your mind, you may feel good after venting, but it doesn’t mean that they listened to you. The more passion you pour into the lover, the more power they will have in the whole affair drama.
Secondly, when you attack the lover, it puts the cheater in a position where they often defend them. This starts a dynamic of high drama games. You, the lover and cheater get sucked into a vortex of conflicts.
It’s never a good sign when the lover calls you. One reader described her experience, “She called me and wanted to talk. I talked to her and it was horrible. I just replay things she told me and things I wish I could of said. I have so much anger towards both of them.”
Thirdly, when the lover calls, they have an agenda. Even when it looks like they are leaving the relationship, their call is filled with emotional time bombs that end up sabotaging your marriage or destroying what’s left of your peace of mind.
They intentionally say things that at some level keep a connection between them and the cheater. They see it in terms that a negative connection is better than no connection.
These are just some of the complications that arise from contacting the lover. Extracting yourself from these situations is not easy. It’s at those times that you need some additional help and support.
This is where membership in the Restored Lifestyle helps. There, you’ll find others who have faced similar situations, like yours. You can learn what options you do have and ways of navigating through the dangers of contacting the lover.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
