In reacting to affairs, a common mistake is “setting yourself up.” You may want to charge the gates of Hell, but when all you have is a water gun, watch out!
How to avoid setting yourself up<<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. Today’s topic, we’re going to be dealing with avoiding setting yourself up.
Once there’s an affair, there’s many things going on. A lot of people reacting to rumors and behaviors. A whole lot of act-react type of stuff going on. During that time you may find yourself reacting to affairs, reacting to what’s going on, what you hear, and so forth.
A common mistake that occurs during that time period is setting yourself up. When you find out about the affair, a lot of times you may want to boldly charge forward. We used to use the expression charging the gates of hell with a water gun. But if you are wanting to go ahead and charge into the lover’s house, or charge into a situation, you need to look out. You may be setting yourself up, and that’s what we’re going to be talking about today. Avoiding setting yourself up.
You need to know what the traps and the pitfalls are that commonly occur with many affairs. And knowing how to avoid these pitfalls and ambushes can keep you from a world of trouble.
It’s common to find yourself reacting with an affair. But knowing how to avoid the ambushes and the problems when you are reactive, is priceless. And that’s what we’re going to work on today, giving you some ways to avoid charging straight in to one of those situations where you set yourself up.
In terms of solutions here, number one. Avoid going out to confront the lover. Bear in mind that your problem is with the cheater. They are the one who lied to you, they are the one who deceived you. That’s more where the problem is, not the lover.
You may want to blame the lover. The lover may have played a contributing role. But the key pivotal thing right now is the cheater.
What happens when you go out there and you rush out to confront the lover? You put yourself at risk for the cheater and the lover teaming up against you. We don’t have time to go into it today, but what often happens is the creation of what they call a drama triangle. Where the three parties, you, your spouse, and the lover, are caught up in this dramatic circle where there’s a lot of drama, a lot of conflict, a lot of accusations. And it’s typically two sides teaming up against a third.
If you were a child you may have heard the expression odd man out, or feel like a fifth wheel. Many times this type of stuff will happen and loyalties will swap back and forth as you go through this unstable period that often occurs after the affair.
The real danger is that your spouse will team up with the lover against you. They’ll start conspiring. Many times when you put the pressure there your spouse may go to the rescue of the lover. That’s not the kind of dynamic that you want.
I have heard of situations where people go and they confront the lover and they actually work with the lover in addressing problems with the cheater. That can happen, but it’s not very likely. That’s a rare occurrence. It can occur, but in most cases when people go charging out they’re setting themselves up and I have seen more situations where the lover and the cheater team up against you, rather than vice versa.
You want to avoid that.
Number two, handle confrontations in one-on-one locations to avoid public embarrassment and shame. Traps and ambushes are typically set up where you have several people teaming up on you. If every time that you have to do some confronting of the cheater or you have to have a talk with them, you do it in a one-on-one setting. You pull them aside and talk. That will reduce the likelihood that you’re going to find yourself in a set-up.
Because like, for instance, if you try to confront the cheater when the cheater is surrounded by a bunch of friends or family, you may think well gee, the family will rally to me and against them. Or the friends will see what a terrible person they are and once they hear the facts they’ll be on my side and against them. That’s an awfully big gamble, and you’re setting yourself up there.
It’s best to avoid risking that. When family gets involved many times blood is thicker than water, and families often rally to their child rather than do the right thing. I wish, I wish, I wish that families did put the emphasis on doing the right thing rather than always rallying to their own, but that is not what typically happens. And you need to be aware of that.
It puts friends in an awful dilemma. To avoid the whole mess just stick with confronting in one-on-one settings one-on-one locations, to avoid anything like that.
Number three, and it seems simple but if you practice it it will make a big difference. That is before saying anything to anyone about the affair, take a breath. Just breathe. That will help you gather your thoughts and you will come across as more relaxed and more together, rather than just blurting stuff out that you’re thinking, right off the top of your head.
It will also allow you to regain a sense of composure. Or if you’re one of those people that want to think of it in terms of keeping your cool, taking that breath beforehand will help you keep your cool. And that’s one of the things that you’re wanting to maintain during these circumstances.
Because as people are going around react, react, react, you want to be the one with the cool head. Because cool head will prevail in those situations.
Once again, a quick review. Number one, avoid going out to confront the lover. Two, handle confrontations in one-on-one locations to avoid public embarrassment and shame. Number three, before saying anything to anyone take a breath. It will make a difference.
And this includes even before you talk to them on the phone. It really will make a difference and help you stay calm. And it also can help you avoid the anger.
These are things that you can do, starting today, and get in the practice of it and it will make a difference in your relationship in terms of your recovery from the affair.
I’ve enjoyed being with you today and I look forward to being with you again. This is Jeff Murrah saying goodbye from Affair Recovery Radio.
