Cheaters often ask about whether there is a good way to break off the affair. You may have even considered the
question yourself. The cheater may have even asked your advice on ‘how’ to break off the affair.
The best answer is ‘fast and cold’. You want the affair to end as fast as possible. That often means doing it in an abrupt, cold manner. Breaking an affair is not something that can be done gently. In fact, by doing it gently, you actually keep the door open to either re-igniting the affair or affair relapse.
By making the break fast and cold, it not only ends the relationship, it makes the message clear that the affair is over. Many lovers do not take hints. They want the relationship to continue. They will use any excuse to continue it. For this reason, it has to be done in a cold manner. It jolts their brain and sends the message loud and clear “the affair is OVER!”
When you try ending the relationship gently, the lover does not get the message loud and clear. The non-verbal message is that the affair needs to be toned down, until the heat is off. That is NOT the kind of message you want to be sent.
Some couples have gone so far as to have the cheater break up on the phone with the lover in the presence of the betrayed spouse. I think this is a wonderful idea. When you see it and hear it, the break-up becomes real.
You no longer have nagging questions about whether they actually did it. It also gives you an anchor point to mentally mark when the affair ended.
Many cheaters suddenly want to consider the feelings of others when it comes time for the ‘break-up’.
They didn’t consider your feelings when they started the affair.
They didn’t take your feelings into consideration when they continued the affair. Sure, the cheater hid things from you, claiming they did not want to hurt you, but that is merely lip service.
If they truly didn’t want to hurt you, they wouldn’t have allowed the affair to continue.
When affairs are with neighbors, family members, close friends or work mates, the break-up can get messy. Even in these situations, ‘fast and cold’ is the best approach. In these cases, you and the cheater will still have to come in contact with the lover.
Bear in mind that each contact, there is a risk of more old emotions being triggered. Feelings will be triggered, the question is whether enough of those old emotions are triggered that become a tipping point for relationships.
There are times that you want to believe the cheater when they say that they didn’t want to hurt you. You don’t want to believe that your spouse would intentionally hurt you.
IF they were in their right mind, they may not. For whatever reason, they aren’t in their right mind, and they are hurting you. That hurt has got to go somewhere. When there’s enough, you’ll take action.
This is one reason why betrayed spouses often target the lover rather than the cheater with their revenge. Even though the lover and the cheater conspired together, you may still find it hard to believe your spouse would hurt you.
There may be times that you tell yourself that your spouse was tricked or pressured or taken advantage of with the affair. These are ways your mind waters down what is going on.
In some cases, they may have been taken advantage of, but, if the affair continues beyond a one night stand, which 90% of affairs do, such excuses are no longer valid.
The ‘fast and cold’ break is needed for yourself. You need the break-up to be that way so that you can move on with healing. The more the delays in breaking up, the longer it will take to heal from the affair.
The cheater needs the ‘fast and cold’ break to sever the bonds that have formed. The faster the break, the better.
One of the lessons physicians learned during the Civil War was that limbs had to be severed quickly. If you took too long to saw through them, the patient often bled to death.
In a similar manner, severing the relationship between the lover and the cheater has to be done quickly as well. Dragging it out only brings more emotional bleeding and pain.
Keep in mind, that the break-up ends the affair, but does not clean up the mess or repair your marriage. In order to do those things, you will need serious help.
That is where the Affair Recovery Workshop comes in providing you direction in cleaning up the mess, repairing the damage and giving the two of you a new start.
Many cheaters want to think that ending the affair means the problem is over. All you did was remove the immediate threat. The forces leading up to the affair are still alive and well, including resentments, secrecy and lies.
The damage from the affair is still very real. The emotions are raw and reactive. Given enough time, you can learn to live with it, but that is not ‘healing’.
So, if you are faced with the questions about breaking off the affair, you now have an answer.
Best Regards,
Jeff
