One of the questions readers pose is whether it is too late to fight for their marriage after one spouse has filed
for divorce. Although it does not have to be so, when there is an affair, there is a risk of divorce.
Making the choice of whether or not to fight for your marriage after an affair is one thing, the choice of whether or not to fight for your marriage after someone files for divorce is something else. There is something about filing for divorce that has a finality associated with it.
Although it is often associated with the death of a marriage, the filing for divorce does not have to mean things are over.
First, let’s examine the facts. First, 95% of all pending lawsuits are settled out of court before going to trial. This means that even in the case of divorce, there is only a 5% chance your case will ‘go to trial’ (some studies say as few as 2% and some as high as 7%).
Second, most divorce cases are settled prior to the trial, if they go that far. Most of the action in such matters are addressed ‘in the office’. Although most of the action and drama will be ‘in the office’, once the divorce is filed, neither you nor your spouse are in control of things.
Once the divorce is filed, the judge is in control of your families assets, your monies and your spouses monies. They are the ones that will decide who has custody of your children. No matter how good a parent you have been, if the judge does not like you or trust you, you are out of luck.
Third, common sense should tell you that courts can only decide legal matters. They are not designed or equipped for resolving emotional issues. If you or your spouse thinks that they can ‘fix’ any emotional or relational issue, you will be disappointed.
The two of you will still have to deal with each other after the divorce. The divorce only changes the battlefield. It does not change people’s hearts. If anything, it makes them harder and more filled with bitterness. One spouse may use the courts to force their will on the other, but as one president said, “Any issue resolved by force or in disregard of the law, is never truly settled”.
Since divorce is about using the force of the legal system, there is always push back. You can call it karma, the law of natural consequences or justice, but it is there. When force is used to make something happen, there will be a counter-force used in reaction. That counter-force is not about revenge, it is about physics. There may be some revenge pushing it and poisoning it, but the reality of counter-force against force is physics.
With filings for divorce, about 25% of the couples never follow through. That means that you have at least a 25% chance of working things out. Those are not great odds, but there are many people who have wagered the whole farm or spent fortunes on odds worse that that. How often have you spent money on a lottery ticket or a quick pick at worse odds?
So you have to ask yourself, is a 25% chance of saving your marriage worth the effort? In terms of how can you go about changing things? Consider the Affair Recovery Workshop as a place to start.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
