When your spouse starts off with “We didn’t plan it..” you know that bad news follows. The reassurance of them not having intention or planning helps their conscience, but does little in comforting you.
When statements start off with a reassurance of something not being planned, they’re absolving themselves of guilt concerning their intentions and motivations. If as a teen at the Municipal court in Pasadena, Texas I told the traffic court judge that “I didn’t plan to speed” or “I never intended to race”, I’d been laughed out of the court room.
When I’d broken traffic laws, I knew what I was guilty of. That was the main thing. The intention was of secondary importance.
Truth be told, I never intended getting caught. When I sped and raced on the streets of Pasadena, it was intentional. What I didn’t intend was getting caught. I hoped to get away with my violations, so I knew giving a sob story about intentions was pointless.
In the Municipal court, I learned that innocent intentions accomplished little when it comes to violating traffic laws. Although I learned it, many cheaters haven’t learned that basic lesson when it comes to affairs.
Putting the intention ahead of the offense amounts to putting the cart before the horse. The cheater is dealing with events in a twisted order.
I’m not sure if its’ about getting you to absolve their intentions to make the affair more accepted or them wrestling with their own guilt. Either way, twisting intention and the offense only confuses matters.
They may not have consciously intended for the affair to happen. This doesn’t rule out unconscious fantasies of it though. They may never have planned out what would happen, yet they secretly were open to those things happening. They may not have intended what they did being found out.
Although they didn’t intend on the affair happening, they did little if anything to stop it.
It’s one thing if the lover is predatory, it’s quite another when the cheater leaves themselves vulnerable to an affair developing. The time for dealing with the motivations behind the affair is later on, after communication is re-established.
Dealing with motivation on the front end leads to emotional chaos. Even when the cheater leads with motivation, you’d be better off not being trapped by it.
In the video, “Getting Past the Affair Crisis“, you can know where to start in dealing with the bad news of an affair. Getting caught up in the motivation and intention distracts you from what’s important to deal with first.
It matters which issues are addressed first. You could find yourself spending your emotions, time and energy on minor issues while the major items are left or glossed over.
When the cheater distracts you with their intentions, it keeps you from the more important issues. They want to box you in with focusing on ‘misdirected intentions’ rather than what actually transpired.
When you start dealing with the major items, the other ones can be handled effectively.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
