There are some things that create more conflict during affair recovery than they reduce. One of those things that ends up generating more conflict is self-righteousness.
Although righteousness is typically a ‘good’ thing, there are times when it is used in a way that creates more hurts than healing. Bear in mind that I’m addressing this topic as a counselor, not as a preacher.
When self-righteousness creates an imbalance, it starts creating problems. In those cases, one spouse views themselves as morally superior to the other.
There’s a reason why the passages about being unequally yoked in the Bible provide you with an instructional warning.
I’ve seen self-righteousness both in terms of the betrayed and the cheater. Self-Righteousness can either be of a good nature or of a negative nature.
Righteousness in terms of doing the right thing is good. The word in the Greek has connotations of being righteous and justice.
Righteousness means that you’ve been made clean, not that you’ve been made flawless. Since an affair involves doing wrong to your spouse, condemning them rather than their actions is slippery slope.
What they did is an act that is the opposite of righteousness. When actions are so diametrically opposed to each other, there will be reactions. It becomes an emotional explosion of opposites.
In psychological terms, when one spouse views themselves as ‘better’ than the other, it creates an imbalance.
I’ve also seen cheaters act self-righteously when they think their way of looking at your marriage is the only legitimate way of looking at it. They’re putting their emotions and judgments above yours.
In their case, it’s not about doing the right thing, but more about ‘their way is better’.
It is true that one spouse broke their vows, while the other remained loyal. The cheater stepped outside of your marriage. They need your help in finding a way of re-entering the relationship.
Your spouse needs clarity from you in knowing what they need to do in order to regain their position. The cheater needs to know what is required of them in order to make things right.
You’re not being self-righteous in specifying what you expect in terms of behaviors and attitude. Where self-righteousness comes in is when you condemn them without giving them a way of being restored.
There are some spouses that reject making any changes related to resuming their position. Rejecting what needs to be changed outright creates problems as well.
When the two of you can work as a team in restoring your marriage and each of you back to the roles of husband and wife, it creates new opportunities for intimacy.
If your marriage needs some more intensive help, consider my intensive consultation package. I have had a couple of time slots open up for this seservice. It includes four one-hour consultations and on-going email support on a monthly basis.
If you are interested in such service, contact me via email Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com .
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
