While growing up when I first heard the term “school of hard knox” I initially thought it was an actual school. I’d heard of Knoxville, so I figured that it was reasonable that there was a school of Hard Knox.
It was later I put together that the term referred to experience of living through challenges. I’ve also realized that those lessons are some important ones.
As I’ve worked on my advanced degree from Hard Knox, one of lessons I’ve faced is that of being honest versus keeping the peace in families. I don’t condone lying, especially to family members.
Lying to family members creates breaches of trust. I also know that some information is intentionally with held at times.
Over the past two years as I’ve been dealing with my parent’s dementia, this is an everyday challenge. The course I’ve found works best is ‘being honest’.
Initially, it’s tough, yet it makes the subsequent discussions and choices much smoother. What makes it tough is the reactions to honesty and being honest out of love.
One of the members of the Restored Lifestyle site wanted to know about telling older children about their parent’s affair.
When it comes to telling older children about affairs, I still opt for the honesty option. Once again, the challenge comes with delivering it with an attitude of love .
A second challenge involves being honest about the facts, while allowing them to have their own conclusions.
The third challenge is that of telling them separately or together.
When you’re dealing with a child who is 16 or older, they’ll draw their own conclusions. You can’t choose that for them. They are also sharp enough to pick up on your attitude.
If you are telling them about their parent’s affair and your attitude is not one of love it can blow up. There are always reactions. If you’re the step-parent, this information can bring some alienation with it..
If you’re looking for a way of giving them a hard truth without reactions, you are seeking an unrealistic fantasy. After telling them allow there to be a moment of silence.
That silence is okay. It allows the message to sink in. They’ll need time for processing what they just learned, assuming they hadn’t figured it out on their own already.
Like you, they’ll go through denial and downplaying of what happened.
The task is even more challenging when you’re the step-parent. It threatens putting you on the outside of the family.
Although you didn’t create the blended family scenario, affairs make these family structures more tenuous than non-blended families.
At the Restored Lifestyle site, you have access to the forums where these kind of discussions can happen. You also have access to the programs, including those addressing affairs and children.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
