There are times when a phrase or sentence in an email stands out. Like a clear bell, it alerts me to a significant issue.
A recent letter stated, “She’s been gone over a year and she told me at that time she would come back in 6 months if I could prove I was a man she married“. What struck me was the part about being the ‘man she married’.
Statements like this bother me. On one hand, this wife could be wanting a return of character or a quality that her husband used to display. In such cases, the phrase states a practical achievable goal.
On the other hand, if being the ‘man she married’ is for him lining more with her expectation or fantasy, it bodes trouble. Fantasies create problems whether in the form of affairs or as a roadblock in recovering from an affair.
Years ago I was told that there are four people at the altar when marriage occurs. There is the real woman and man and then the man and woman of their expectations.
Expectations easily drift off course and transform into fantasies. When they change from guidelines into fantasies, the expectations create problems.
You start wanting your spouse to be something they aren’t. It’s true that they need accountability.
Holding them accountable is good, unless it digresses into discouragement. It’s often a delicate balance between accountability and discouragement.
Maintaining the balance means addressing your own blind spots while holding them accountable to be closer to the man you married, with his character and values.
Having a peer group that helps you achieve such a balance is important. Consider membership in the support community at Restored Lifestyle.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
