The other day I read an interview by former Senator Gary Hart. Since I’ve been around a while I knew the significance of who he was.
During the interview he was asked about whether he had an affair as had been reported 30 years ago. His response to the question was “It’s nobody’s business.” He still refuses discussing it, even though the event occurred three decades ago.
He considered the reporter ‘out of line’ for even asking the question. He went on to say “Look: Character, which got to be the key word, is demonstrated over a lifetime, and I’ll put my life up against anybody’s in terms of a sound character — that’s all I can say.”
If Gary was a Joe six pack kind of guy, he’d be right. Whether or not he cheated on his wife is ‘nobody’s business’ in terms of the public. It is, of course his wife’s business.
I know some of my fellow therapists would disagree with me on that, especially those who hocking books condoning affairs for the sake of making people happy, even though it hurts others in the process.
For me there’s something wrong about saying it’s nobody’s business when you end up hurting others with lies and deception. With that kind of logic, it’s the spouse’s and the public’s fault for trusting a cheater.
The interview illustrated that even 30 years later, affairs still foul your reputation. The reports of an affair move from being headline items over time. Even though they are no longer front page news, they have a long tail that follows the cheater around. This stain remains with you no matter how many news cycles have passed.
Even when a cheater changes their ways and leads and exemplary life afterwards, the shadow of the affair remains. It follows you around from then on.
Senator Gary Hart is an illustration of the long tail of an affair. Affairs are still toxic, even years later. Consider how rumors of President Thomas Jefferson’s affair is still a concern centuries after he’s been out of office.
The long tail of the affair is even more of an issue with the popularity of the internet and social media. Although your affair is ‘in the past’, the internet can bring it to life again with a few clicks.
When the time comes for discussing an affair with your spouse, do you know what to bring up? Do you know how to address the topic without being distracted by high drama?
Rather than have to guess or use trial and error in finding your way, you can instead join the Restored Lifestyle site and have access to materials that guide you in what to bring up, and how to do it.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
