I am often asked “Is there any hope for us?”. When clients ask the question, they often seek a combination of reassurance and fortune telling. They have often spent years tearing down each other and now want an “outsider” to come along and make things better. I often wish it was that simple. The more pressing question is “Have you given up hope?” or “What are you looking for hope from me, when the persons you need to ask are you and your spouse?”
The giving up of hope is often a major turning point in relationships. That juncture is when decide if they want to fight for their relationship or just ‘let it die’. They want a magic answer that somehow give them the ability to carry on and work through things. Looking to people outside of the relationship for answers is part of what got them into the mess in the first place. Repeating the pattern is not changing the pattern. Instead of repeating the pattern, they need to make changes in how they do things and where they look for answers. Wanting a single person outside of their marriage to change and transform the relationship is the same thinking behind the affair. The person did indeed transform the relationship, although in a manner they were not seeking.
Couples often need the help of a counselor in helping them, although helping is very different than the counselor fixing the relationship. Seeking outside direction is often helpful. It is when they want the outside sources to ‘take away the pain’ and magically ‘fix’ the relationship that problems worsen. The haunting reality is that they will need to honestly address “Where does your hope lie?” When they find the source of that hope, and take action, then changes will occur.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
