A question you may have asked yourself is how many times should I forgive the cheater? That is often a tough question to consider. When I consider how many times God has forgiven me for things it is hard to put limits on my own forgiveness of others. Let me start tackling this by pointing out several things. One, there is a difference between forgiving the cheater and allowing the cheater back into close relationship. You can forgive them, but that does not mean that you automatically trust them enough to be back in relationship. Trust will need to be re-earned. Second, in ‘true’ forgiveness, the cheater will both repent and turn. Many times the plea for forgiveness is heard loudly. The repenting is there for all to see. What is often missing is the turning. Repenting without turning is NOT true forgiveness. Since they want back into relationship, you are not being unrealistic in expecting them to show that they have turned, show that they are committed and show other additional signs that they are not just going through the motions.
With this in mind, you can forgive the cheater any number of times. That does not mean that you have to allow them into your life time and time again each time they repent. You can forgive and choose not to let them back into relationship.
This may help you sort through this question in your own lives.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
Can a cheater turn without repenting? How would I know that the cheater is repentant? Doesn’t the fact that the cheater has turned, itself show that HE is repentant?
Belinda,
I do not believe that the kind of change that occurs without repenting is long lasting. You will need to see a change in their thinking and their behavior in order to make sure that the changes last. A change in one and not the other is not a good sign. In such cases, they are often just providing lip service.
In answer to the question of how do you know that they are repentant? 1. They acknowledge that what they did was “Wrong”. It is important that they use the word wrong and not dance around it. 2. They need to acknowledge that their actions led to others being hurt. IN other words they see the cause and effect of their choices
3. They are freely choosing you over the lover without coercion. 4. They express sincere remorse over their actions. 5. They express a turning away from the adulterous patterns in their lives. 6. They accept full responsibility for their choices (e.g. no “you made me do this”, or “it was partly your fault as well”). These items are often seen in genuine repentance.