You may have used the term ‘shattered’ or ‘broken’ to describe the effects of the affair. Your choice of words is absolutely correct. One of the effects of the affair is that the cheater joined or connected with the lover. In that joining, they invested some of their soul into the lover and some of the lover is now invested in them. Although this is part of the bonding that helps husbands and wife’s connect, when an affair occurs, the bonding becomes destructive. What occurs is that the cheaters soul becomes fragmented. There are pieces of them all over the place. You may have noticed this and told the cheater, “You’re not the person you used to be” or “You are not all here with me”. Your insights are picking up on more that you realized. They are not all there with you, they are not the same person they used to be.
Getting the cheater to quit the affair is just the start. It will take additional work to restore the ‘wholeness’ or the ‘spirit of oneness’ to your marriage. Once the affair is over, you will have to reclaim those broken pieces of them, lost to lovers, old flames, etc.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
One Response
That last paragraph is the one that is the most difficult , at least in our situation.
I look back to the earliest days of our courtship and then marriage . We did everything together, not just physically but mentally , emotionally and most importantly we were growing together spiritually as we invested ourselves as a couple in learning and sharing the word of God.
Part of what was important for us was our activities with others who were growing in their knowledge of, application and love of the Lord.
This also was not just growing us individually in relationship to the Lord but it was a developing ‘couplehood’ identity.
The marked difference came about when my husband’s work pretty much offered many relationships apart from our couplehood and those relationships were also among those who did not support faith or godly living .
I am not talking about some kind of isolationist faith but one that is morally ROOTED in the word of GOD and practical in growing a healthy attitude regarding the need to avoid sinful situations and tempting relationships.
His faith waned as the things of this world , and the goals of career eclipsed his appreciation of all the good of a walk in Christ …and thus …the WORLD overshadowed his affection for ME as I was then viewed as a detriment to his need to be accepted and admired in his business world.
Failing to take the time and thought to consider the things that God reveals to us of the very REAL assaults that come upon us when we make the transition from citizen of this world to the Kingdom of GOD by way of the dynamics of thinking and acting deliberately with pleasing GOD in mind and desire to live rightly…he fell for the social pressures to conform to the culture of the corporate world which is very strong for those concerned with ‘getting ahead’ any way they have to ,
He basically took a sharp turn away from GOD and then me and dove with all he had into doing whatever it took to please people. Noone and nothing was more important to him. It is though he was intent upon making his identity as far from godly as he could because as we moved into our life together he was OK with being a follower of Christ as long as he was around those who did not disapprove .
His loyalty swung away from keeping his word to God and me and threw us ‘under the bus’ for the sake of the affection and respect of those whose lives were not ‘neutral ‘ toward morality but deeply invested in self and the gaining of NOT just money and profit but STATUS.
There was no turning him back once he made up his mind that his wife was nothing worth defending and he spent the rest of our 32 years of marriage making sure I knew this .
It was more difficult to identify this as a ‘wrong attitude that was perminent because I believed that he would change if he observed my faith ..and if I gave him information …as many have advised wives not to think their husbands were ‘mind readers’ and give them knowledge so they COULD learn to love them.
The difference was that my husband did not care to learn these things. After he found his ‘fans’ at work and among others somewhat connected to that kind of life…I was no longer of any use except to keep up his public personae I now realize.
Back through the years where we were having children he set up a ‘norm’ that was a perfect smoke screen in anticipation of cheating .
He might not look at it that way but I made effort often but not so much to be considered a nag or complaining that I was missing him and wanting more of his time and attention and …at times when he was uncharacteristically selfish and rude I would speak up …always keeping in mind how to approach so I would be ‘heard’ .
None of this had any effect…the most usual posture when he was ‘listening ‘ to me was he would sit in his chair …lay back ….close his eyes…and ‘listen ‘ .
In other words he tuned out …and withdrew,,..and withheld …all for the purpose of continuing to live life that pleased himself and others ….I often wondered if he had a ‘spirit of slumber’ which is not so much a THING as a condition that seemed to come over him in order to ‘protect’ him from being confronted and convicted with the truth of how his living such a way was hurting me
I do not think now that he cared about hurting me …even though he now denies this .
The recent claim is that he soon ‘discovered’ that we were just ‘too different’ and felt he should stay married but ‘allow me ‘ to have the life I wanted and he would create his own life!
It is the same thing now . He is ‘sorry’ for the adulteries…but he refuses to take the various actions to learn what would be helpful in healing me or our marriage . He is all about his own …HIMSELF.
I think he thinks he is a ‘good guy’ because he did not leave me and he keeps up with the bills.
He SAYS he does not believe he is a good guy OR that he can be ‘saved’ …and that he has done too much damage ,..to me …to all of us …and to himself …to make efforts in terms of our relationship.
He is simply a ‘boarder’ now ,…does not show affection to me …is offended that our daughters do not feel comfortable telling him how they are feeling ….he is simply DOWN on himself but will not do anything to remedy our home culture …his efforts in that area were directed not by all the things we learned when we WERE listening to seminars …reading books …and a short ..very short stint with a counselor both together and by himself with another …neither of whom were equipped to deal with adultery …so he is “finished” with those efforts.
I see the same stubborn pride that his father revealed in his character…His father did not speak to his own brother for ten years due to some incident I never knew what …but back in the early days of our marriage when I learned of this …I felt that being followers of Christ we might help them get back together …and it was successful …it was my husband and I praying and offering encouragement that helped that happen …It was good ….They soon reconnected and had a wonderful relationship before the brother died … Reconciliation was good for both of them and especially for my husband’s father …it was a visible effect upon his whole continuance.
Pride is one of the most stubborn and difficult sins to overcome.
They had a Roman Catholic background but not seriously active ..still there seemed to be an arrogance about them that I am not sure is common among that faith …but they were positive NO ONE was qualified to give them any information regarding GOD ….Jesus would have had no ‘voice’ in their home …They made it very clear that they felt ‘no one has any right to tell anyone else what they should believe about GOD’
The thing is GOD tells us that without hearing there is no way for anyone to believe!
Faith comes by hearing and HEARING BY the word of GOD
I should have paid more attention to this when his father in the early days FORBID me to speak about JESUS Christ in his house. His mother made the state meant above to confirm this …My husband did not defend me or the Lord at that time .
It is very sad how many women are undefended and unprotected by their husbands . it is hard to respect a man who will not do so …He appears weak when this happens because we instinctively KNOW that a husband SHOULD protect his wife and family
My husband did not and defended those who attacked instead …not just his parents but his ungodly friends and co workers..and ‘voted with his feet’ to leave as often as possible citing he had to ‘go to work’ or he ‘HAD to grow a relationship with clients ‘ all without me along.
The excuses still come up whenever I try to get him to invest in our marriage …NOW however the excuse is that he can see no hope in doing this anymore . HE even made a very explicit text to me that he does not want to show me any sympathy because he does not want to raise my hopes that things will change …He does not want to divorce…but he does not want to love me or work on changing the way our marriage is …he sees the way it has effectively interrupted our daughters movement into lives of their own …and life is swiftly going by ..
We are up in the air in so many areas of life…are we selling and moving ? or are we losing our home? This is a very important aspect of any of US moving forward …starting projects, or classes has now been ‘on hold’ for the last two years …we packed up a LOT of our things for the process of showing our home…which means that a lot of what makes a home and a life for us is now in storage …
He goes on living HIS life …trying to build up HIS business because his former company closed and we lost all of the differed income from 27 years! [ Company’s that foster immorality should take note…you cannot contain sinful activity and expect ultimate success and profit forever!]
His emotional ‘life’ is ‘fed’ by his employee relationships and the children of his adultery …He loves our children but has little interaction …it is the SAME as before …at home he either plays a game of solitaire on the computer WHILE watching TV ‘with’ us ….and then to bed…or He comes home from working out after work …which he needs to do for health …and then naps before and after dinner ..gets up and goes to bed upstairs.
HE says he is worried about our daughters future since they do not have ANY outside social life or work life but they are reticent to get involved siting how often they JUST get involved and we move again .
Plus the deep wounds his behavior has wrought both in the past and presently
He can’t understand how to ‘get through ‘ to them …and has said that he has ruined that relationship too so ‘why try’ ….he wants to “just go to sleep and not wake up again’ …
SO …with little resources now to get any kind of help and little confidence in anyone ‘helping ‘ who will not do MORE damage to the marriage …if that is possible…we continue in this kind of limbo.
It is also not helpful that he has not listened in terms of what the CS needs to learn about the state of the hurting spouse so his exceptions for healing have now turned swings between anger with me for not being better …as if I am HOLDING ON to the pain for some dark reason …or he is hopeless to think there is ANYTHING he can do because WHAT is needed he does not WANT to do.
I think he is simply a man who grew up spoiled and expects things to ‘snap back’ without him having to do anything more.
Selfish is what comes to mind
Everything is HIS way .
He says that ‘back in the day ” he withdrew because he did not want to be ‘bossed’ by anyone and felt that involvement in the Bible was part of that ….YES he was ‘exhorted’ and ‘encouraged’ to continue in things GOD tells us ALL to be reminded of …I see that it was not that he was being “bossed’ it as that he did not want ANY restraints on his desires…..and he found comrades in this attitude at work ..and among those he found to support this point of view,
Even NOW …his excuse is that he SEES what he should have done …but he STILL does not want to do anything that is along the lines of what is right .
His own ‘right’ is all he is interested in …
SO …getting my husband’s shattered affection ‘back’ is not hopeful at this stage or maybe ever since HIS attitude is that it is hopeless.
For me it is hard because if I was not ‘worth’ being loyal and protecting our marriage or even spending time in learning to value it …back when I was young and more attractive and strong…then HOW will it happen now …to me if I was never worthy of his being open , honest and loving me …why would he do anything now .
He has had any woman he felt he could get throughout our marriage apparently and he was able to select from women who were younger…not necessarily prettier….but to me now …I am humiliated to realize that he had the BEST of me and then found someone else MORE attractive and sexually desirable.
He claims I was the best” and no one was better…but even though I realize that this is most likely true …it still has put a shame upon me in regard to my own body and self …even though I know the Lord and all kinds of truth …it is my HUSBANDS desire I had been so delighted in thinking I was the only woman he wanted….
I could have cheated but I learned how to be loyal and protect my marriage and my heart….I wanted to because I loved my husband
He does not understand this or does not want to ..that his multiple adulteries which he said meant nothing but fun and sex are HUGE to me .. especially since he cut me out of these thing so early on but I actually felt he was being patient when I was physically unable …I had offered apologies to him for those times when I was physically unable but he said it was OK ….HE WOULD NOT discuss his own feelings or desires with me ….
I so wanted to please him but he REFUSED to inform or discuss his thoughts with me ….So I was the initiator in our marriage sexually …he performed’ but it did not seem like he really loved ME …he ‘got ‘ sex …is how he put it when speaking of the OW ….
This lack of understanding MAY have come from his early years of NO education of the physiology and his refusal to learn …his whole sexual ed was more or less from LOCKER-ROOM dogma regarding women ..and after marriage he would not invest himself in learning …not from books …not from seminars…not from hearing me …he simply rejected being given any advice from anyone.
His ‘success’ with women seems to support his idea that it is not HIS problem but MINE.
I told him women who will bed married men …and under the influence of alcohol , at least initially …are going to ‘perform’ differently and the experience is different for both …in that case it IS a ‘performance’ of an ACT rather than the outcome of a deeper connection that happens through growth and high regard for the person who is a SPOUSE.
His understanding of sexuality is TOTALLY self oriented …body only sort of thing as I have tried to observe just WHAT is the problem here with this .
I do not think there is any way for me to convey what this observation is to him …I guess for me I have spent so much time to try to analyse what is the situation and why it has been so distant for us even in sexual intercourse…that without CARING to find out he will never find out .
He is happy with HIS orgasm and that is what counts ..although he has LEARNED apparently SOME woman has been able to get him to listen at least in some categories….and he does sustain until I was satisfied..
The area that was lacking was his approach …no attention, no respect…no regard ..no romance …little foreplay …more like a mechanical …rub point ‘a’ …touch point ‘b’ …check for conditions that allow for entry.
It seemed so cold ..and it was probably because it was …He was not loving me …he was getting what HE wanted ..and my efforts to ‘communicate’ and offer some of what was going to make things better for me were difficult ..ANY offering of what I needed was regarded as ‘asking too much’ and it seems he felt that he ‘could not satisfy me’ …move here ..ouch …could you not put all your weight on me…..I can’t breathe…
I think a lot of this comes from his premarital experiences…which were very few…and he was younger than I be a lot …almost 10 years….and probably felt that as a intimidating aspect….yet he was very loving and considerate before he began to display such self centered attitudes about everything except when it came to pleasing OTHER people .
So it was a combination of feeling inadequate which I was being VERY careful to be aware of anything I might say to him in terms of giving some insight to my needs …but I have come to see that he is the kind of person that really does not want to acknowledge the need to learn anything from anyone …except what grows his business….or gets him what he wants with other women …but only until he gets it …
I am rambling now…sorry ….it is so sad …I tried so hard to learn what to do to please him …I had to be a mind reader it seems all through our marriage …and he says that he was no different with the OW ..How would I know?
I feel he is a lonely man who wants SOMETHING but he is not willing to surrender control or even take control of his life…HE is passive in the face of seduction by women …and he is active in pushing away all the people he says he is sorry for taking the life that they should have expected from relationship with him
He has his degree in psychology by the way …