One of the topics now being used in bludgeoning spouses with guilt is ‘micro cheating’. True believers are now going around like inspired evangelists spreading the word on micro-cheating.
Any small behavior that can be viewed as disloyalty is automatically assumed to be so. Like it’s cousin, microaggressions, it’s being used in pouring guilt onto others. There’s a time and place for guilt in addressing infidelity.
The problem with micro affairs is that it twists and amplifies guilt for small actions assuming they are indicators of intentions of cheating. The claim of micro affairs distorts the beneficial aspects of guilt and shame.
Take for instance if your spouse spends some extra time looking at the waitress. According to the micro-cheating crowd, they’re guilty.
Making the claim of micro-cheating could be jumping the gun. Your spouse may be tired, lost in thought or visually distracted by something the waitress is wearing.
There could be other explanations as well. Jumping to the conclusion that it’s micro-cheating only throws blame and guilt. It does not get to the root of the problem.
So before you start mucking around with a spouse’s emotions, make sure you’re putting two and two together and coming up with four. Otherwise, it could be an example of micro-cheating that’s simply wrong. That’s why it’s important to talk through these issues instead of making assumptions.
Accusations of micro-cheating leaves you feeling inordinate amounts of guilt over actions that although they need attention, they don’t need the abnormal amounts of attention they’re currently being given.
When you overreact to the small things, it leaves you numb when it comes to major infractions. Making the claim of micro-cheating also starts damaging trust and leads to the development of a judgmental spirit in your marriage.
When you start claiming that your spouse is micro-cheating before finding out what’s going on with them, you’re on your way to being their judge rather than their spouse.
It’s true that when marriages fall apart, they do so in a series of small choices. Focusing and jumping on micro-cheating focuses your attention on the wrong conclusions.
If you’re plagued by micro-cheating episodes, your marriage needs some help. In my “30 Days to a Better Marriage” , the two of you can start making your marriage stronger before anything major happens.
With everything you’ve been through, it’s no wonder that your are sensitive to small items. Put that sensitivity to work for your marriage by improving your marriage rather than fault-finding.
You can start transforming your marriage into one that works.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
