On reading through the queries I discover many of the pain points of you readers. One of the recent queries concerned telling an adult child about an affair.
Telling your grown child about the affair is painful for all concerned. Part of what makes this dilemma painful is that the information shatters the image the child had of their parent.
Such changes present challenges for adult children. For them, it’s a sudden and drastic change in their relationship with the cheater.
In a moment of time, they suddenly lose the parent they grew up with. Sure the parent is still there, yet emotionally, they’re gone. They no longer exist.
Whatever trust they had developed over the years evaporates in a matter of minutes. The affair stole the parent they grew up with!
At that moment, don’t be surprised if they’re unsure how to interact with the cheater. They’re still related, yet the relationship is strained and twisted in an unusual fashion.
Another painful revelation is that of when an adult child discovers their parents are swingers. In that case, they suddenly lose the image of both parents at the same time.
There’s no perfect way of conveying such information. Although the cheater should accept responsibility for what they’ve done, it doesn’t always happen that way.
There’s also no way of telling them that avoids pain. Painless truth is non-existent. The truth is going to hurt someone. The truth is also what’s going to bring healing.
If you expect your adult child to take the information ‘in stride’, you’ll likely be disappointed. Yes, they’re adults and they know you’re an adult as well.
When your marriage is dysfunctional, adult children may welcome news of the affair. This is especially true when the marital relationship has been strained for a period of time. In those situations, they may even be relieved at news of the affair.
In those cases, news of the affair only validates trust that was damaged long before.
Whether the news of the affair is more traumatic or welcomed, the damaged trust still needs repair. Rather than allowing the emotional wounding to continue in hopes that it’ll improve over time, work is needed on rebuilding trust.
You can use my video on “How Can I Trust Him Again?” in helping you and them move past the damaged trust. You can also learn what is needed in your family in order to rebuild this part of the relationship damaged by news of the affair.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
