Although it’s become vogue to tell people that they’re “special“, doing so creates problems in the process. Using the label “You’re special” is now a way of covering up a multitude of wrongs.
One area where this happens is with children from affairs. The current practice consists of telling the children of affairs that they’re ‘special’. This became clear to me when an advice columnist recommended that children born out of affair wedlock be called ‘special.’
Although those using ‘special’ have the intent of saying that the child is extraordinary or uncommon in a way that sets them apart in a good way, the word also carries with it the idea of being peculiar, ‘different’, and unlike the rest.
Children who are told they are “special” may also feel a sense of pressure to live up to this label, leading to self-doubt and insecurity when they fail to meet these expectations. This can have negative effects on their mental health and overall well-being.
I suppose this is part of the hidden truths that emerge with the words used in hiding and distorting reality. The more you hide, the more truths come out. The cheater thought they were special when they had the affair and that the normal rules of cause and effect didn’t apply to them.
They thought that getting pregnant or impregnating someone didn’t apply to them.
They were ‘special’.
Now cheaters and their spouses are facing the consequences of their actions, in the form of an innocent child born out of the affair.
In the seventies, the term ‘love child’ was in vogue. The term ‘Love child term’ had its baggage. Today’s couples use the term ‘special’ which also has its baggage as well. When the child of an affair is of mixed races or mixed cultures the situation becomes a ‘High Voltage’ emotionally charged one.
Back when I attended Sam Rayburn High School, there were some students considered ‘special education’ students. Although the school did its best to accommodate them, there was a stigma associated with them.
‘Special Education’ students were often referred to as ‘Speds’. Although it wasn’t traditional name calling when you were called ‘special’ or sped, it was taken as an insult. They were considered ‘fighting’ words.
Despite the recommendation of advice columnists and school counselors to call children from affairs ‘special’, in my mind, I still hear ‘special’ as a word that starts fights. Special is a word that has negative connotations, and it’s unfair to place such a label on a child who had no control over the circumstances of their conception.
It’s important for parents and adults to carefully consider the words they use when talking to children about sensitive topics like affairs. Instead of using “special” or other ambiguous labels, it’s better to focus on the positive qualities of the child.
There’s no easy way of hiding a child from an affair. Calling them special may make you feel better, but it does little to remove the stigma. The child did nothing wrong yet had to deal with circumstances that were not of their making.
There are no painless solutions to the messes created by affairs. The best thing you can do is start dealing honestly with many of those ‘uncomfortable’ issues, getting them out in the open rather than letting them fester or covering them over with ‘special’ labels.
You may think that you’re ‘special’ and can get through the affair mess without pain. Somehow you assume that you can ‘think’ your way through the pain. By thinking you are ‘special’, you’re fooling yourself.
The video, “Let’s talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” will start the healing process rather than allowing the festering hurts to continue. It deals with opening up communication about difficult issues and concerns.
Rather than using labels like special to cover up things, some issues need direct, straightforward communication, as uncomfortable as it is. Learning ways to improve this area in your life can reduce your anxieties and uneasiness with awkward topics.
Although you’re not ‘special’, you can find the healing that you and your marriage need.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
