A reader posed the question, “Is assuming an accusation?’ This question is very pertinent to affairs, since accusations often accompany affairs. When the time comes to confront the affair and be honest, it’s often surrounded by accusations.
There are many assumptions and accusations when it comes to affairs. Not knowing the difference often leads to arguments and hurt feelings. Let’s clear some of this mess up.
An assumption is NOT an accusation. Assumptions are the mental connections you make between data points. They are mental hypotheses.
They are mental constructs or theories put together in your own mind.
An accusation on the other hand, occurs when you officially or formally bring charges of wrong doing. For an accusation to have merit, it needs to have some solid evidence supporting the accusation.
When the accusation has evidence and is accompanied by motive, you have a solid accusation. Motive is needed, since it adds the dimension of the willful intention to do wrong, accompanied by a wrong act.
When all you have is wrong doing, without intention, it may be a ‘mistake’. The person being accused may have done wrong, but did not intend to.
Assumptions do not have proofs, they are not based on proofs. They are merely ways of connecting the dots. Accusations occur when there is solid evidence of wrong along with bad intentions.
When a cheater can mentally twist you in a knot to where you are not even allowed to make assumptions, they begin controlling you in a bad way. This does not make for a healthy relationship or healthy communication.
When you’re not allowed to form theories, speculate or connect data dots, you are a ‘hostage’. When you are a hostage, you’re not a spouse. At such times, you are treated as an inferior rather than an equal.
Spouses can choose to either be in relationship or not be in relationship. Hostages on the other hand, are not allowed to make choices or think for themselves.
Are you a hostage or a spouse? When your spouse shuts you down with their own accusations of claiming that your assumptions are accusations, you are moving in the direction of hostage.
Your communication changes things. They change for the better or worse. This is why I included lessons on turning your communication around in the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop”.
Although most of you view yourselves as ‘good’ communicators, there are likely some bad habits that actually make your messages less than what they could be. That can be turned around with some help.
Best Regards,
Jeff
