There are many changes that come in the aftermath of an affair. One of those perplexing changes is ambivalence from the cheater.
Although you wanted your spouse back, now that they’ve returned, you’re not sure what to do with the confusing emotional reactions. They go from one extreme to another, leaving you wondering “Where’s my REAL spouse?”
When the betrayer gives you mixed emotional messages it makes your relationship challenging. It leaves you unsure of where you stand and what their ‘true’ feelings are.
The ambivalence also leaves you wondering if the problem is you and how you respond to what’s going on. At times you may even think that their reactions are your fault.
You point the finger of blame and yourself and wonder what you did ‘wrong’.
Ambivalence from the cheater is a common reaction. The cheater is coming to grips with imperfections in their world and facing them. They’re no longer in the affair fog.
They’ve woken up to reality, warts and all and are struggling with it. They have mixed feelings and aren’t sure how to deal with them. Their compartmentalizing and denial no longer work like they did.
The intensity of the mixed feelings overrides thinking at times. The emotions take them from one extreme to another, typically alternating between love and hate.
Ambivalent reactions are the betrayer going through struggles. They are letting go of one relationship and jumping into another one.
Although cars may start and stop with a button, relationships don’t work that way.
If your spouse tends toward being compulsive, the likelihood of ambivalence is higher.
They haven’t figured out that their mixed feelings come from the same source. In most cases, the root cause occurred long before you entered their life.
In dealing with ambivalence and moving past it, effort is needed from the both of you. The effort includes identifying the triggers, reactions and the source material where it began.
Talking with your spouse at this level of interaction is uncommon. Many people need extra help and guidance in tackling communication at this level.
This is way beyond small talk and conversations filled with gossip. This involves reaching gut-level honesty with each other. Your marriage needs to move up to the next level of communication, where each of you can share your fears, hopes, uncertainties and anxieties while having the security that neither of you will leave on hearing something you don’t like.
In my video, “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” I guide you through the techniques and methods needed in connecting with your spouse at this level of communication.
Click and download the video today. Mastering the skills for this kind of communication takes practice. When you stumble, get up and try again. You don’t want to throw away a perfectly good marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
