The other day I was reading the emotional affair blog run by Doug and Linda. They’re a fascinating couple who I worked alongside in addressing the common issue of infidelity.
In their blog was a little factoid that caught my attention. They pointed out that 90% of Americans think that infidelity is morally wrong (another survey claimed 84%). Either way, the majority of Americans view it as immoral.
Contrast this with the French at 47%, Italy at 64% and South Korea at 81%. The contrast gives you some reference points and perspective.
Despite thinking infidelity is immoral, it continues. For me, this is a huge disconnect between what they believe and what they do.
It started me wondering about the disconnect between believe it’s immoral, but still doing it anyway. I’ve learned that there’s often a discrepancy between the values espoused and the values they live by.
I saw this finding in the Affair Recovery Survey I conducted a few years ago. This is one of the reasons why I stress in affair recovery the importance of having changes in thinking AND behavior of the cheater.
Let’s get back to considering what is ‘immoral’. Although the survey respondents said affairs are immoral, think about what that means.
In older dictionaries immorality was synonymous with being unjust and wicked. These days if you referred to a cheater as being wicked, the social justice warriors would come unglued at using such terms.
Although the term wicked sounds harsh, when someone knows what they are doing is wrong and does it anyway, what else can you call it. There are few words that describe the despicableness of what they intentionally did.
It’s easier saying an affair is wrong than to say it’s unjust. When you use the term ‘unjust’ it starts laying blame at the foot of the cheater. The aversion to some words doesn’t change the sour taste that affairs leave behind.
If you want some insight into the mind of cheaters, consider the Ashley Madison survey entitled, “Love Beyond Lockdown”. It found that 84% of the respondents say that infidelity has a been a reliable form of ‘self-care’.
Instead of viewing infidelity as immoral, unjust or wicked, the modern twist is to consider it a form of ‘self-care’. Calling it ‘self-care’ only reinforces the selfishness behind it.
No matter how many excuses the cheater generates, it rarely makes the affair tolerable, especially long term affairs. The longer the affair, the more inexcusable it is.
Th e situation isn’t helped by modern dictionaries defining immoral as being outside of socially acceptable behavior. It makes it sound like the cheater is merely out of bounds rather than then having done something wrong, or even hinting at how wrong it was.
Gone are the days of talking about adultery in terms of ‘splitting hell wide open’. Now, adultery is just something that is merely outside the bounds of accepted behavior.
So are affairs about violating boundaries or about doing something wicked? Either way, wrongs were committed that need attention.
In the video series, Affair Recovery Workshop, I guide you through the affair recovery process. There are many changes needed. In the series, I guide you through those important adjustments.
That same blog post also pointed out that most marriages where affairs happened didn’t divorce. The affair doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage.
There are things you can do in transforming your marriage relationship. Click and download the video today and begin this part of the journey.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
