There is an old joke, “Why not legalize everything, and then there would be no crime!” The sentiment of that joke is often heard among cheaters and those who intentionally weaken marriages. They have the mindset that if you make all deviancy, including affairs acceptable, then if you cheat, you are doing nothing wrong. Somehow giving into the impulses and calling them ‘needs’ is supposed to make things fine. They say that they want you to be more open minded, when in reality, they want you to condone what they have done.
The cheater variant of the old legalization joke amounts to another pathetic attempt at making an affair acceptable. In some communities, the people who stand up against affairs are often seen as being more problematic and intolerant than the cheaters. There is something wrong when those who break their promises (wedding vows), lie, and steal affections away from their spouse are more tolerated than someone who talks about doing the right thing, honoring one’s promises and being committed to your spouse.
If your circle of friends are more tolerant of the cheater than those who disapprove of cheating, you may need some new friends. If your church emphasizes acceptance of the cheating instead of staying committed to your spouse, you need a new church.
The problem in such cases is often referred to as ‘downgrading deviancy’. The thinking of such downgrading is the same as the legalization joke. By redefining moral failures in terms of what is tolerable or acceptable, you are watering down marriage. The emphasis needs to be on commitment, honesty, self-discipline, and responsibility instead of self-entitlement, hedonism, experimenting with perversion, free love and open marriage.
Getting your marriage back on track and your relationship in order may need to begin with deciding to no longer tolerate unacceptable behavior. You can accept them, but not what they have done. They need to hear that what they did was WRONG!. Wrong is a strong word that sends the message that what was done is unacceptable.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
2 Responses
I believe that the corruption that has worn away behaviors has been by and large the lack of teaching people the great blessing and VALUE of purity, virtue and all of the beneficial ways marriage will yield a lifetime of great satisfaction and fulfillment…
It is difficult to convince people these things in the way our culture has descended into the deep pit of deception and poverty of this knowledge.
To teach sex at younger and younger ages without the training of character and the respect for God, truth and the godly authority that supports all wisdom is to light a fuse that is nearing the dry powder of generations whose hormones are at the helm and will no doubt lead to more and more desolate youth and further discontent with all manner of self gratifications that dull the senses of appreciation of deeper pleasures only found within the boundaries of fidelity and attentiveness to stewardship of this life and that of another in marriage .
When there is no understanding of the way GOD has designed all things with His ORDER and instruction in mind for His glory and our good …this ignorance and lack of care for what is truly good is lost and there seems to those in this state no reason to set aside some pleasures as unique and special.
Sad…so we understand when iniquity abounds the love of many grows cold just as scripture tells us.
First those who desire to cast off all restraint commit themselves to pushing for tolerance…then acceptance and then normalization and then legitimizing of sin.
This process I observe in the way my husband’s choices and behaviors led him downward…I believe he hired the adulteress to lend some integrity to the fact he was giving her money …then when he paid her salary he did not have to feel as if it was JUST for sex….Then when she got pregnant and stopped working in the office she became a ‘consultant’ …more attempt to ‘legitimize ‘ their arrangement …and the getting pregnant no doubt he agreed so it would not seem like he did not care about her …since she reminded him that she ‘wanted to have children’ and “HE had taken up her years when she could have met and married!’
This was HER choice…and from the beginning she was not encouraged to continue when we moved several times …she followed us…moving even ahead of me and the children …since she was single and did not have any of the complications that moving a household and family involved.
She hung on tightly …pursued him in every way ….my husband of course kept enjoying the whole thing .
He could never have viewed himself of ‘taking advantage’ of a woman he was having this kind of arrangement with ..and she made much of the suggestions and planning ..She even researched HOW she ‘could be’ a “Single mother by choice’ …There are sites online that make this seem very glamorous….similar to those that make adultery seem so ‘trendy’
It is bad enough some women go and get inseminated while not married but many of them take responsibility for their choices…they save or earn the money and they plan and learn about children and raising them …
But those like this OW don’t learn , don’t care to learn. This woman does not cook ..barely shops and does not stay with the children .
They were simply something to gain to entrap my husband and to gain lengthy support…
Normalizing sin does not make it any more safe, beneficial or harmless.
No matter how MANY may ‘agree’ that sin is not sin …it is still something all will stand before the God of all ages to account for .
Rom 14:12 So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.
This may be mocked by those who ‘indulge ‘ their sinful desires …but it is no laughing matter!
2Cr 5:10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things [done] in [his] body, according to that he hath done, whether [it be] good or bad.
Zaza,
You have stated the problem very well. All this ‘progress’ has come with a price tag. In many cases, what has been sacrificed at the altar of progress for the sake of wealth and consumption is often one’s morals, family and soul.