The topic of ghosts and affairs seems odd. If you are in a marriage where either you or your spouse was married before, you can begin to understand what I am talking about with relationship ghosts. The ghosts are the remnants of relationships, ex-spouses and lovers that linger around the marriage long after they should be gone. With affairs, you may find that long after the affair is over, the ghosts of that affair continue to haunt you.
These ghosts, like the impression left in a bed after the occupant leaves, have the presence of a former lover without the body. If you attack them verbally, your spouse may defend them or act like you are crazy, insisting that there is no one there or that it is over or something of that sort. Although the lover or ex is gone, you know what you are feeling. Your spouse’s heart is not 100% with you. Their attention and focus are on someone else and not you. Rather than attack the ghost, you will need to share what you are feeling with your spouse. You will need to talk about how they seem distracted, unfocused or mentally absent from you. Taking this approach may seem weird. It will get you better results than attacking the lover or ex. Your real problem is where your spouse continues having their focus. The affair may well be over, yet your spouse may still be replaying the affair in their head. When the affair continues being replayed, you will find yourself dealing with ghosts.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
5 Responses
We had some discussion on this topic…rather I asked if he trouble with memories of the good times …admitting that I can recall past relationships but I had learned how to deal with them as I have been renewing my mind on what the Lord would have us do . We do not forget but the perspective changes….I am thankful when I remember past things I have been delivered from rather than mourning or feeling down about them
With adulterous relationships the powerful effects of hormones, the excitement and ‘glamorous’ ideas of them …and any attachment that has gone along with it just IS …there is no use denying that this happens.
My husband says he just doesn ‘t ‘go there’ that his is so disgusted with himself for having done this and he hates what she is and what he allowed himself to do …so he does not agree with this ‘shadow’ of memories of the good times with her.
I am not really buying it fully …times are tough now and I realize that without a plan of action to ward off the things that can rise up to tempt us to enjoy the wistful past those memories can rise up to cause depression even if there is not longing to that OP .
I have heard it often that the CS was not so entranced with the OP but the way that their adultery made them FEEL …the fantasy aspect ..the danger of it all ..and the context of being able to test their ability to keep it going and fool everyone about it …or so they think!
Sad ways deception keeps this going …
I have tried to present some of the good memories of our early days to my husband to recall but they only make him more sad and full of regret.
I feel like I am just going to have to live according to what I know I must and keep a more patient and waiting stance while he goes through his ‘wilderness’ time of whatever comes to him as he has resisted help and counsel …He is sort of just going through his days one at a time …keeping a very dull routine and trying to rebuild his business and life but without engaging with me in anything but a minimal way.
I wait.
Zaza,
Thank you for sharing that. I find that working through the ghosts is preferred over compartamentalizing and choosing ‘not to go there’. Those unresolved issues operate like emotional land mines that can explode without warning. There is also the spiritual fragmenting which is challenging to overcome. Overcoming fragmenting is key to developing ‘wholeness’.
Indeed…God crreated all things with order and intended UNITY with Him and His will..
This is not the same ‘unity’ of the humanistic social engineers of the NWO
no it is not.