When you begin working on your marriage relationship, one of the potential dangers is that of suffocation. By suffocation, I am referring to emotional suffocation. Although the intentions may be honorable, the act of suffocation is always dangerous to relationships.You can not emotionally suffocate your spouse without consequences.
Although there are times those doing the suffocating do not realize what they are doing, there are cases where they do realize what they are doing, although they do not realize how damaging it is.
The suffocation occurs more often than people realize in relationships where there have been affairs. Such couples often go from one extreme to another.
They go from ignoring their spouse, to the other extreme of being obsessed with them, to the point of suffocation. Both extremes are dangerous. In physical suffocation, a person’s oxygen supply is constrained. When you are talking emotional suffocation, you are smothering them by constraining their access to emotions and emotional energy.
In breathing, you take air in and out. There is a give and take regarding oxygen. With relationships you also need emotional give and take. This happens on several levels. There is also a strong connection between breathing and emotions.
This can be done by either not allowing them to express their emotions or by being so needy that you consume all the emotional energy so that there is none left for them. When expressing emotions, they may need physical space and time to work through and experience emotions. Emotions do not operate like light switches that can immediately switch from one position to another. When it comes to emotions, people operate more like dimmer switches, where the intensity of emotion changes over time.
In your efforts at reconnecting with your spouse, you may be suffocating them. Some of the signs of emotional suffocation include:
1. Your spouse makes frequent references to ‘needing their space’.
2. You feel that you must always be physically near your spouse out of a fear of loosing them.
3. You consistently send text messages to them throughout the day, day after day.
4. You are in danger of trouble at work due to being on the phone or cell phone with them all the time.
5. You never let your spouse call you or initiate contact with you.
6. You feel that you must know where your spouse is at all times, along with who they are with.
7. You find yourself doing things out of ‘fear’ rather than out of love.
8. When you can’t reach your spouse you call five or more of their friends or family members in an attempt to reach your spouse on a routine basis.
9. You drive by your spouses work place or residence several times a day.
10. You think in terms of he/she MUST do this because they are my spouse.
If you find yourself routinely doing several of these items, there may be some suffocation going on. You need to find a healthy amount of space in the relationship.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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