Understanding your spouse is not the same thing as agreeing with them. In working through the cheating, you will have to keep understanding and agreement separate. Confusing these two things often leads to problems and prolonged conflict. When it comes time for you and your spouse to talk, the most important thing that you can do is listen. The MOST important things you can do is LISTEN. Many of you are determined to defend, confront or correct your spouse rather than listen to them. In hearing them out, they often say things that you do not agree with. They may even recall events differently than you do. You need to realize that what you are often hearing is their recall of the events. There are times that the brain does not record events as they actually occurred. Expecting your spouse to recall every word or event in chronological order of when they occurred can set you up for disappointment. Rather than correct them, listen to what they are saying. If you must interrupt or ask questions, limit it to clarifying what they are telling you, not to correct them. Even their errors or distortions tell you something about what is happening.
They are often playing back to you events in order of importance rather than historic or chronological sequence. When you are focused on their account agreeing with your account, you are not wanting a spouse, you are wanting a Mynah bird. The more you treat them like a Mynah bird, the more they will act like one, with repetitions of learned phrases regarding the affair. They will say exactly what you want them to say, which may line up with your version, yet that is a matter of them being programmed to do so. If you want to understand, you will have to listen.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
