One of the many reasons cheaters claim for having their affair is that you drove them to it. In most cases, this is another one of their gambits used in taking responsibility and blame off themselves and putting it on others. Although it may be a gambit, you may want to consider and listen to what they are telling you. They made a bad choice in selecting the affair as a solution to their situation. Even when the affair is over, you and they will have to face the issues leading up to the affair. In the case of provoking an affair, finding out what they mean will help you know what to fix in your marriage. Are they saying that you are not approachable? Are they saying that you are not fun to be around? Are they saying that they feel intimidated by your anger and disapproval? These are some of the items to consider. If you are doing things or harboring attitudes that push them away it could be that their gambit has an element of truth.
It is hard to consider how others see you and react to what you say and do during the day. Although you are married, your spouse still needs to feel needed and wanted by you. In these days of self-sufficiency, there may be times that they feel useless. You may be so self-sufficient that they do not feel like you need or want them in your life. In the case of husbands, you may need to open up your heart and let your wife into it. In the case of wives, it could be that your complaining, or emotionality or activities send a message that you do not have time for or want your spouse to get close to you.
The issues leading up to the affair will need to be dealt with and resolved. The affair may not be the biggest issue that you both have to deal with.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
5 Responses
I was a stay at home mother for ten years and then became an educated and successfully employed wife working full time. In this transition my husband felt less important, not viewed as the provider anymore. It did affect his self esteem. We had developed some serious communication errors and I now accept my part in the weakening of our marriage. In a low point he decided to have relations with a younger girl who said things that made him feel like he was needed and wanted, much like how we communicated in our early marriage. I have to work to try to say and do things like I used to. I find being busy and progressive is contrary to being “in the moment” with him. This is something I try to work on daily. I do wonder though, with the evolution of women in the workforce as a family provider, if this demasculinates our men, leading them to find admiration from someone else.
Stormy,
Thank you for sharing your story. I felt cringes of emotional pain in my gut as I read it. Your situation is similar to those endured by many others who have had similar episodes. I am not sure of what starts such situations, and each one is unique. I have also wondered about the impact of women in the workforce on marriages and its relationship to affairs. At this point, I have not found any solid answers. I also wonder how the workforce issues are going to impact marriages during the present economic situation around the globe. So far, each marriage and the effects are on a case-by-case basis. Some become vulnerable to affairs and others do not. One thing that is clear is that the role of men is changing. Some men are able to adjust while others struggle with that issue. Those struggling with the adjustment are often have at greater risk for affairs. Once again, I do not have the answer to the why part. I am gaining some clarity on the how, along with the what, but that why keeps eluding me.
There is an excellent book I read back a number of years ago called ” Missing from Action: Vanishing Manhood in America” [Paperback]
M. Weldon Hardenbrook (Author)
Among other things it discusses the effects of the Industrial Revolution on the family and various other aspects of family life….the upending in particular of the fathers interaction with children as it took him out of the house and more detached from that godly responsibility and privilege .
At the same time it reduced the woman’s home crafts and ‘freed ‘ the wife up ” especially as the government began the intentional disconnect of children from their parents who were charged with the education of their own children …’training them up in the way that they should go ‘
According to Malachi …one of the aims of marriage was the producing and raising of a ‘godly seed’ …
Just as with the purpose of man’s life was to glorify GOD and enjoy all that GOD would bring about as man sought Him and submitted to God’s wisdom in all things….raising children to respect and love GOD and obey Him was in the jurisdiction of the Fathers…and along side …the mothers.
This enterprise was also to drawn the parents into more earnest learning from God’s word in order to fulfill this most important and challenging privileges.
The usurping of God’s place in the lives of people occurs when man does not seek and learn how to recognize deceptions that are so subtle….
Moving off the farm and going into cities and factories has seemed to be too attractive to ignore…the various things culture has enjoyed and benefited from these things is hard to argue and yet as we see the outcome of the slow decent into the kind of culture we have as a result of more and more ‘normalization’ and now not only acceptance but the idea that it is ‘required’ and ‘understood ‘ that a child ‘should be educated’ by others is now revealing the outcome that those who seek to engineer a society of people who do not know how to think and are mostly interested in the next new thing…as long as they don’t have to work too hard to get it .
Women in the workplace may apply many great abilities and find a great deal of satisfaction in what they do and grow in their various talents…
BUT …as I consider the way women in the workplace effect men’s VIEW of women along with all of the other moral corrosive cultural impressions that bombard them from morning til night …recognizing several things I have learned to pay attention to in the Word about the godly DESIGN of men …in particular in their responses to the female form …and their godly design in terms of what ‘work’ is by way of observing what man DID …in the garden.
Man was told to keep the garden and to take dominion over all of the earth ..NOT OTHER PEOPLE
After the Fall …man had to WORK by the sweat of his brow to feed himself and his family.
He began to have to defend himself and his home from predators. Defending is part of his god given charge.
In terms of ‘offense’ it was to be toward the hunting for food …or ‘attacking’ the ground to pull weeds and plant .
These two aspects that man was given by God as part of his design were to protect and provide for his family .
It is interesting to see that this kind of attribute was to be used in these ways that are even found in the ten commandments as to HOW to govern properly these two aspects…Thou shalt not steal , Thou shalt not kill …Thou shalt not covet…etc.
The man who obeys God’s commands does his own work …is generous with others…does not take what belongs to others….but because of sin …man also must defend and protect.
Human laws do some good in helping people stay within boundaries but they are not as effective as those which abide IN those who want to please GOD
I find that a man is COMPETITIVE …we see this in the way many sports allow a man to test himself against the strength and ability of other men.
This seems to be a deeply rooted aspect of being a man …and indeed …one may enjoy testing himself and competing with HIMSELF ..as one does when developing a talent or a skill …always striving for excellence and hopefully NOT at the expense of another.
The way the world works…men have pretty much viewed their areas of business and career as a ‘war ‘ or a ‘competition’ …indeed …it is seen as a necessity to get to the ‘top’ to be ‘cut throat’ and in today’s economy it is simply understood ….it is not just the ‘top’ but the ‘perks ‘ that are known to be there.
Money is only part of it ..egos are fired up ….status ..and images are enhanced as one climbs that ladder.
I experienced that my husband changed a great deal when he began to work among women….His attitude changed toward women AND ME …I was a stay at home wife …studied how to be a good wife in every way to serve my husband…I eliminated all kinds of things that would become obstacles to our relationship.
I gladly stayed at home…and loved being a wife and mother…I was very blessed I did not HAVE to go back to work as many women do .
I do not condemn any woman for working . This is not my point …the point I think I observed is that my husbands career was very competitive and he is a very competitive man . The equality he had to extend to women in the workplace seemed to begin to harden his attitude about women which caused him to disregard my feelings about his treating all people …including “equally”. This disregard for how a husband is to guard his heart from getting entangled with other women …which at the same time guards his wifes heart and the marriage relationship as special and primary was damaged.
He became so intent in being seen as a ‘good guy’ to EVERYBODY ..and treating everyone the same that I actually was treated worse than his female co workers and employees in terms of sharing time, fun and information.
This was mostly because what also happened when he worked day by day …for long hours with women he bonded friendships with as well as shared experiences and acquaintances with …he changed his attitude about GOD and morals ..and eventually completely rejected God …our friends who were godly …and all of the godly character that would ‘inhibit’ his growing career and the regard of the people he worked with .
So it is …’Evil companions corrupt good morals’
He was in seminars to train men to treat co workers with such a deference in response to some of the lawsuits of the time of women taking up against the Corporation that he went overboard with his efforts , it actually destroyed the keeping of boundaries as he felt it was part of HIS ‘job’ to ‘keep up the morale of his employees’
Not only did he ‘build ‘ his office camaraderie with drinks after work ..He planned parties and dinners…for ‘clients’ which all seemed to be ‘normal’ and ‘necessary ..It was our bread and butter so how could I object?
His weekends were also set for golf and events that he needed to do for his work…for ‘us’ .
I feel that though my husband did enjoy his fun …before he began to work in a situation like this he was more responsive to my input…he was more considerate of me and polite.
After a while working in the office situation his jokes began to be more offensive…his attitude was disrespectful of me and disregarded my request for him to take time for me and us …and work around the house was thrown upon me or with the phrase ‘ Hire someone to do that !’
The growing arrogance was palpable as he was more and more loaded with attention from those at work …especially the women.
One time after D DAY we traveled to another state for a farewell party of one of the women who worked for him …she was probably in her late twenties or early thirties..When we arrived a little late …most of the people were already there ….some maybe 50 people with their spouses….It was held in a bar/restaurant and the party was on a nice patio….
When we arrived the woman ran across the patio …with her husband watching and me standing by and threw her arms around my husband’s neck and her legs around his body!!! I was stunned…These are people who work in the financial industry …supposedly they should act with respect ..especially for their ex boss.
This was a very clear view of the kind of affection they had for him BUT how he had not set a standard for how they should conduct themselves with respect ….for his position and his wife if nothing else.
He created such a comfortable work ‘culture’ and was so successful that he did not set limits and boundaries of the kind I would have expected to see among business professionals …NO one seemed to be bothered by this …I had never been to any of the corp meetings or parties where I had seen such things!
As I was sitting visiting with one of the women who worked with him and sharing my faith with her …I happened to glance over my shoulder at my husband who was SURROUNDED by at least 20 or more adoring ‘fans’ …women who hung on every word as he ‘held court’ …laughter and boisterous conversation proved they were all very enamored with him
I was not making this up …I was getting the demonstration of one of the ways that a man MUST establish for the good of ALL boundaries.
I am not sure what his company’s seminars did to encourage this …I know my husband is a very likable guy …and his family of origin was prone to become somewhat ‘raucous ‘ at family gatherings …but this was a WORK environment that not only defiled his station as a boss…but defiled our marriage as well
ALL of the ways he experienced such attention and affirmation at work …seemed to dilute his receiving of my attention, gratitude and affection….it seemed he had HAD all the praise he wanted and from those who he had built more affection from …
The wife…the mother was not as ‘flashy’ or ”accomplished ‘ in his estimation compared to the women who could ‘hold their own ‘ in the board room
Never mind I had a successful career for many years before I met and married him …
I think our culture has had a HUGE attack upon the homemaker mother…her contribution to the society has been diminished , disrespected, and devalued..and it has been INTENTIONAL
At the same time I believe that though women are certainly valuable in the workplace…they tend to present especially NOW after the uber feminist movement has made strides ..they are seek as ‘equals ‘ but causing some of what used to be honored and respected by men as they valued the woman at home…and the softer sex …yet admiring the strength of a woman in the process of homemaking and child-rearing….The COMPETITION …equal with men in ways that have stolen the idea of there being a difference..
.God made men and women equal….they have differences that compliment …and they are given certain jurisdictions which God EMPOWERS them to fulfill and in their obedient doing of them they fulfill the necessity for those things.
Another jurisdiction that the woman in the work place usurps is that of the COMPANION …ALL Day and sometimes long into the evening …women and men married to others…work side by side….
The spouse arrives home in the glow of whatever shared activity he had with these others…and has little energy or need of the companionship of his wife.
I do not deny that many women who love their husband’s and love GOD do not function this way …but indeed….just as I could not convince my husband that his ‘harmless’ attention to his office co workers though meant to be polite and business only was going to be misconstrued by some women …and indeed was …in location after location …His disregard for my feelings and the way encouraging a casual attitude in the work place due to his ‘warm and charming ways ‘ was definitely a problem ,
I am thankful for those who do not encroach upon other’s spouses…but there are just too many out there who take every opportunity to do a little ‘harmless’ ‘POACHING …’just for fun’ .
When people do not believe boundaries are necessary and their OWN responsibility to set and set firmly…when they do not focus upon their wives…and listen to godly wisdom in HOW TO KEEP their OWN affections and appreciation UPON their spouses….and GIVE such to them and them ONLY ,..there is going to be trouble my friend…right here in River City …and that doesn’t stand for “POOL” as the song goes. in Music Man….
I think Stormy your awakening is a great thing…keep up the good work…It is something more people need to hear and apply ….I hope for your complete restoration …I believe as you keep ‘sowing ‘ all those things he was missing that you will see some changes.
I do not think this was ALL YOUR DOING however….A man has to take responsibility for the jurisdiction of his marriage …of his children …no matter how many people or even governments have ‘given ‘ approval of the ways people are demonstrating such wicked disregard for God and the lives of others ….ALL belong to GOD so no one has the ‘freedom’ to trespass on another person’s person! …..
Zaza,
That sounds like a wonderful book. You are way ahead of many with your understanding of the purpose of marriage from Malachi. Most people are not ready to hear that. They continue thinking that it is about happiness, self-fulfillment, good sex and the like. The godly seed idea is WAY over their heads. I am glad that you shared that. It is one of those truths that, like garlic often have to be used sparingly and carefully.
OK Thank you Jeff….I just feel that had anyone made MORE of this aspect of marriage as a component of how the true depth of marriage in every purpose of it in all aspects of what life lived through this earth is offered…it would be a great thing to see how that would possibly change the way people even decide to marry …and how they live IN it …
I feel also that in terms of the MAMMOTH amount of lies brought to us through culture and media…that perhaps there is a great NEED for this to be heard MORE ….
Anyway …I am grateful to have had a chance to share what I have been learning …better later than never….#:>)