Although it’s convenient quoting the saying “fight fire with fire“, taking such action with affairs creates massive problems. Some of you spouses used an affair to either begin or justify your own cheating.
Rather than face responsibility, the strategy of avoiding responsibility by using blame is used. This way, you can have an affair and avoid the guilt by blaming the cheater.
I’ve even seen affairs used as a “Get out of a jam (jail) free card”.
In the case of affairs, you may be throwing up their affair to them in order to avoid facing the painful realities of your own peccadilloes. Fighting the affair with an affair only keeps the craziness going.
It doesn’t stop the cycle of lying, cheating, hiding and dysfunction, it only oils the machinery to keep it going for another round. The way to fight a fire is “with water”.
The way of stopping the cycle of affairs is to assume responsibility and take responsible action, not doing something irresponsible yourself. Although revenge is appealing, giving into it only provides a short-lived relief.
Payback affairs confuse the lines of responsibility and accountability. It turns your marriage into a series of finger pointing episodes.
I understand the desire of making the cheater feel as bad as you feel. Although the temptation is strong, giving into it makes matters worse.
In the “Affair Recovery Workshop“, you’ll obtain the tools needed in changing the dynamics of your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
4 Responses
As religious and conservative as I am, I have actually thought about this kind of revenge… just in passing, but the thought has crossed my mind. It came to me one day when I was wild with frustration when my husband just could not seem to grasp the degree of pain and suffering I was going through. The frightening thing is that I did not dismiss the thought because it was wrong. I dismissed it because I didn’t think he would feel as devastated as I did. And then I thought about how wrong it was.. Since finding out about his betrayal, I have said things and thought things I never thought I would.
Affairs are game changers. They totally alter the patterns of the relationship along with what is and is not acceptable. When in pain people consider options that they would not give much attention to in other circumstances. I am glad that you caught yourself before you acted out on your thoughts.
What if they divorce you to be with the other person? I made my changes she wanted about a year ago, but she still divorced me to be with the other guy. He had a wife he left to be with my wife. On both sides, there are children involved. After the divorce and her parents told me to move on, I did just that. Still in the back of my mind I have a thought we might get back together….
David,
You ask a gut wrenching question there. I will address that issue in a future post. It always grieves me hearing of situations like yours. It sounds like her parents placed happiness above honoring commitments. Their compromise is sadly, one that many parents make to the detriment of all involved. It shows the ugly side of selfishness.